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5 - The Morning

I woke up with a pounding headache, a huge empty pit in my stomach, and a nauseated feeling throughout my body. Obviously, it wasn't from a hangover, because I hadn't drunk anything the night before. 

It was from not eating. 

As much as I loved and craved the feeling of hunger, and could simply take Advil for the headache, the one thing I couldn't deal with was the nausea. The feeling of being about to vomit made me want nothing more than to overdose on sleeping pills. 

Groaning, I reached over to my bedside table for the Advil and water bottle I kept there. My arm hit something warm. Something made of skin. Something human. Something-

"Argh! Mads! What the hell!"

"Shit, sorry Sammy. Can you pass me an Advil?" 

"Oh yeah. Can I take one? I've got a hangover too." 

I smiled at her and nodded as I took the Advil from her hand. "Totally. I'm gonna head to the bathroom, okay?" 

"Kay." She rolled back over and closed her eyes again. 

I sat up on the edge of my bed, and blacked out. I lay back down for a second while I waited for my vision to return. My blood wasn't pumping well enough to get enough to my brain. 

"Hey, you okay?" Sammy whispered. 

"Yeah, thanks. Just the headache. God, why did I drink so much last night?" 

Sammy giggled. "Me too babe." 

I tiptoed out of the room, avoiding the air mattresses that were scattered around the floor. Jess, who was wearing an eye mask that read Do Not Disturb Me, Bitch in cursive, had placed her mattress right in front of the door, blocking my exit. I managed to dance around her mattress enough to not wake her up. 

I made my way down the stairs, my stomach churning with the water in it threatening to come up. I reached for  the first thing I saw, a peach, my hand shaking so badly that I missed it on the first try. 59 calories for a regular peach. But this was such a small one, it can't have been the same amount. Whatever, better to estimate over than under. I'll call it 59 calories. 

I looked down at it. Was it worth it? My stomach churned again. My blood sugar was only getting lower, so I was only getting more nauseous. I closed my eyes, trying and failing to ignore the sensation. It was worth it. I couldn't deal with the nausea any more. I took a huge bite. Instead of tasting the delicious, sweet, juicy fruit in my mouth I tasted only calories. 

The bite was probably 15% of the peach. About 9 calories. I had just ingested 9 full calories. Oh god. I didn't deserve the food. I didn't deserve to live. Why was I eating? I was just gonna get fatter and uglier. And food is used to live. People need food to survive. I didn't want to survive. Why was I eating? 

I slowed my breathing down before I could have a full on panic attack, although I was still light headed. I finished the peach in a frenzy, my body taking control of the opportunity to get the vitamins and energy it was lacking. 

The blue alarm clock in my room read only 9 A.M., so I went back to bed. 

I was tired enough that I knew I needed more sleep, but awake enough that my brain was working well enough to keep me from falling asleep. My thoughts raced around, jumping from memory to memory. 

Alex last night. Wanting to hang out with me again. 

My parent's constant business trips, and ignoring me on the rare occasion that they were home.