Full Circle

Chapter 14 - Undoing

It feels like deja vu. Death. I've known for a few days already that it's coming for me, and I thought I've learned to accept it. But why is it that at every mention of the word, it still feels like it's the first time I'm hearing it? The disappointment and uneasiness are lingering again. Maybe I really haven't fully grasped my reality yet or maybe it's just the way it is, that no one can truly genuinely embrace that their time in this world is coming to an end.

"And despite the relief the drug provides, don't forget that you could still be contagious," he finishes.

Dr. Prachaya loves to drop bombs at the end of every consultation. He loves tearing my heart apart every single time. But I must also thank him for reminding me. After he gave me my first dose of the drug, I felt instant relief and a wishful thought suddenly crossed my mind - does this mean I can be with my Wayo again? If he didn't remind me that I could still pass this on to my love, I could've followed the yearning of my heart immediately and unknowingly put my baby at risk.

Yo's crying face has been tattooed on my mind since yesterday. I just couldn't get his pained eyes off my head. I don't want that to be my last image of Yo. I miss his smile. And I know it'd help me endure this better if it is the first thing I see in the morning and the last at night, and the last in my life. Yes, that's it! I will have his pictures printed and framed today, but first I need to do something more important than care about what will help me get through this. I'm still furious at myself for taking his smile away, so I decided to try to bring it back in my own little way. I won't stop trying to get him to smile again even after I'm long gone. I head out.

After passing by some stores, I'm finally on my way back to my dorm. I quickly arrange the stuff I bought upon reaching my room. I carefully place the framed pictures on their own table and give off a sad smile to myself, feeling bittersweetly satisfied at what I did. But it still isn't complete. I pull out the canvas from the shopping bag and set it up on the stand. I begin working on my masterpiece.

After several hours, I lean back and admire my work. It's beautiful. He's beautiful. I find myself tearing up again as I look at his face. "What happened to us?" I ask nobody. But more importantly, "what will happen to you, love?"

I look out the window and watch the sunset. I chuckle sadly as I think about how I was unexpectedly thrown into the sunset of my life. I sigh. I force myself to think positively, 'at least I was given a little more time, unlike those who get into accidents and die instantaneously,' I say to myself. 'They weren't given ample warning to at least settle their unfinished business. I'm lucky that I can still do things that I need before I go,' I continue, trying to convince myself to look at my situation in a different light. With those thoughts running through my mind, I decide to continue what Yo and I loved to do back in high school - stalk each other.

Looking at myself all messy and untidy, I head for the shower to get ready for mission number 1 - follow my baby and look at him from afar. I smile a little knowing that I could still get my daily fix of his sight. It didn't take me long in the shower because I'm starting to feel the slicing pain of the water against my skin again. I immediately grab a syringe from my bedside table and take my dose for the night. I inhale sharply as instant relief staisfyingly spreads all over my body.

Going back to business, I grab my phone, keys and Yaya* then head out. Thinking of where to start looking for my Wayo, I decide to standby at a hidden corner of our dorm lobby first. It's already night time, so he'll probably head back to his room soon.

Hours passed and still no sight of my baby. All I saw were familiar faces who live in this building. Oddly enough, I saw N'Joss enter carrying a gift and exit minutes after. Hmm, maybe he's chasing someone who lives here since he's from another dorm. I can't help but feel slightly envious. He's so lucky to be alive and healthy to chase the person he likes, unlike the dangerous, dying me. I shake the thoughts off my head and try my best not to pity myself anymore.