Regrettable Love

Thirty Seven

Thirty Seven

Liam Dwayne Perez POV

I followed you hanggat sa hindi na kita makita ng aking dalawang mata. I smile knowing that you are really fine. Knowing na kahit maliliit na bagay ay pinagseselosan mo, nagagalit ka sa tuwing may nagsisinungaling sayo.

Walang duda, you were really my first love.

In this world we are separated by countless reason, imagining that you exist in my imagination but I never failed to unloved you all this time.

You are my Billy, my one and only Billy.

Hindi padin mawala wala ang ngiti saaking labi habang pinagmamasdan kitang natutulog sa aking harapan, nakayuko ang iyong ulo habang nakapatong sa desk.

Ang iyong iilang hibla ng buhok ay sumasabay sa agos ng hangin, maybe that was the time that I've actually fall for you.

You were the first child who approached me to this judjemental world, pinaramdam mo saakin na I belong to this world, you give me love na kailanman ay hindi ko naramdaman sa mga taong nasa tabi ko.

You were there when I want to smile because you were the one who always give me smile.

When I want to cry, you were also there.

You were there all this time.

We became friends,  we live like the world is not really dangerous if we are together.

I always admire you, Billy.

Para bang ang dali-dali mong ibigay ang mga ngiting hirap na hirap akong ipakita sa iba. Binago mo ako, sa paraang nagugustuhan ko narin ang mundong ginagalawan ko.

And if that incident didn't really happen, maybe me and you will be together now.

For the last time, our childhood days ends with you leaving me. That was the most painful part that you've given me.

Sinanay mo kasi ako sa mundong naruon ka, sinanay mo ako na sa bawat paligid na nakikita kita.  You were my all Billy and when you left I am blaming myself for what happen. You left me in the dark side of the world. Hirap na akong magtiwala.

Ikaw ang nagbigay buhay saakin and yet I am the one who give you pain...

Everyday, I am hoping na kakatok ka sa pintuan ng bahay ko para lang makipag laro at sasabihin saaking, sabay na tayo pumasok. Everyday nami-miss kita, everyday kong nakikita ang presensya mo at palaging sinasabi saaking, dont blame yourself. Hindi mo kasalanan ang lahat.

Everyday of everyday I keep loving you.

Nahihirapan ako at natatakot na ang dating masiyahing Billy na nakilala ko ay punong puno na ng galit ang mga mata, natatakot akong makitang naguumpisa ka ng matakot saakin.

Natatakot akong sabihin sayo na nahihirapan ako. Na hindi ko matutupad ang ipinangako kong mabubuhay ako ng maayos.

Ang hirap Billy, You give me a light to live but I gave you pain and suffering.

What if, hindi tayo nakita ng tatay kong magkasama. May mangbabago ba? Hindi ba niya papatayin ang magulang mo? If I didnt walk away that day in the park. Mapipigilan ba kitang kamuhian ako? Mapipigilan ko ba ang lahat? I dont know.

My childhood was gone when you left me that day, when I see your painful eyes filled with tears looking at me.

I tried to act normal in everything Billy, pero mahirap ang mabuhay.

Lahat ng taong nasa paligid ko, lahat sila sinisisi ako.

"Anak ka ng mamatay tao"

"Kasalanan mo ito lahat"

"Kung hindi mo siya nilapitan malamang nasa tabi mo pa siya ngayon"

"You curse. Dapat kang mamatay"

"Mamatay kana"

Everyday was painful Billy, bawat araw ay may bago akong pangalan. Bawat araw ay napakahirap, bawat araw ay masakit.

But then I tried so hard to live.

I want to keep my promise to you, na mabubuhay ako na pipilitin ko. Kahit wala ka sa tabi ko, I know you will be grateful na kahit gaano kahirap ang gumising ng umaga ay sasabihin mo saakin na "You did Well Liam".

Every morning of everyday I keep seeing you, telling me "Thank you for waking up" and maybe iyan ang nagbigay rason saakin na malampasan ang pagsubok na ito.

And in the end of the day. You were also there, smiling habang nakaabang sa pintuan ng bahay.

I always see you, Billy.

You're 12 years old self was the one who keeps me moving, Billy. I know, all of this was my imagination but that was me who kept me alive during that time.

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