Full Circle

Chapter 13 - Daggers

I'm staring at my phone thinking if I should open Yo's messages. I'm so tempted to read them and reply, telling him how much I miss him and love him, but I'm trying my best not to, because I know that my resolve to do what I'm supposed to do is not as solid as it needs to be. I know when I open them, I will fall in love with him again, like I always do.

As I was still debating with myself, my phone sounds off again. It's another message from my baby. This time around, I wasn't able to resist the temptation and my heart acted on impulse, ignoring my mind. I gave in.

Wayo: P'Pha, did Yo do something wrong? Why aren't you messaging back? Yo is sorry.

Reading that and knowing that he is sad because of me, the walls that I built crumble. A single message from him pulverizes them to dust. I'm just too weak to resist him. Maybe I can give Yo and myself a little more time. I just won't stay too close to him and probably wear a surgical mask. Yes! That's it, I'll just do it tomorrow.

Phana: No, love, you're perfect. Sorry, P'Pha just woke up late.

Wayo: Really? I miss you. :(

Phana: Yes, baby. I miss you, too, so much. Sushi for lunch?

Wayo: Yay! Yo loves P'Pha. 😚

Phana: I love you more, my Wayo.

I know I'm walking on thin ice here. I should restrain myself, but it's so hard. Can't I let myself say those words? Can't I allow myself to say how I truly feel for the very last time? I know what I must do and I won't turn my back on it - his well-being and health are still my priorities. But please, just give us today. Just give me today before I say goodbye.

Putting my phone down, I feel happy for the first time since I can remember. Having decided to just give us a little more time made me forget the reality that my insides hurt like hell and I am dying. It also made me forget for a moment that I still have to hurt Yo by breaking up with him. Right now, I just feel really happy that I got to say 'I love you' to my baby and that we can still be together for a little while longer.

Since I've decided to give myself until tomorrow to live life normally, maybe I should go to class to see my bestfriends as well. I was about to get up when I saw a blinding light and fell to the ground as my knees gave way to the sudden sharp pain I felt. It was excruciatingly painful that it rendered me immobile for quite a while on the floor, with my eyes wide open, but unable to see, my body shaking violently and my mouth drooling. It was like I was being electrocuted. Is this what Dr. Prachaya meant when he said that the disease rapidly progresses? I didn't expect it to be this fast. I've been feeling pain all over my body ever since I got back from the mountains a couple of days ago, but over-the-counter drugs softened the blow, allowing me to move around without flinching too much. But this is the first time it was this intense to the point it's paralyzing.

After what seemed like forever, my body is starting to finally recover from that hellish episode. As my head clears up and starts working again, it dawned on me: the real gravity of my case. I knew I was in a bad state. I thought, 'okay, I will feel pain for what's left of my life and then die.' But I never knew that it's far, far worse than what I thought. I never expected episodes such as this. It's like you were sentenced to electrocution without warning. What caught me by surprise the most was the seriously exponential difference in the degree of pain between this episode and what I was feeling when my symptoms started. And if what Dr. Pracahaya said is indeed true, then it will only get worse from here on end, and at a very fast rate.

I'm sitting on the bed trying to catch my breath. My mind wanders to the possibilities of other, more severe symptoms, and, for the first time in my life, I felt genuinely terrified for myself. I wasn't afraid of what I will go through before, I told myself it's something I can handle with the help of painkillers. My ultimate goal was to keep Yo away from exposure to the disease. But now, I suddenly have this fear of what's coming for me. I don't think I can survive another episode.