My Journal - A Coming Out Story

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I just ordered a really overpriced moonlamp :/. That's not really relevant though, just wanted myself to remember later that I've always impulsively bought useless crap.

Anyway, there's nothing specifically nihilistic I'm eager to address tonight, so I want to talk about cuddling. Yes, cuddling for the open-mouthed twat who's reading this. Shut that shit by the way it's really not that interesting. (I'd like to remind everyone when I wrote this originally, I didn't think anyone would actually be reading it. I thought I was funny)

Every night, as I lay attempting to sleep, I imagine being held and it comforts me. Not in a sexual way, but in a close with someone who loves me way. I'm sure there's a considerable amount of people out there who feel the same way. Hell, that's why body pillows are so popular. It's just so intimate. Sometimes I even think about holding my friends to make them feel safe and loved. I'm sure that's crossing some socially constructed lines. I just hope that someday I will have friends who trust me to hold them. I really don't understand why it's reserved for romantic relationships. You can love someone and not want to be inside  of them; is that hard to understand? Also the being held thing kind of betrays some gender norms huh? Well that's fucking stupid. I shouldn't be expected to be anymore emotionally secure based on my genitals. Honestly it's quite a damaging concept. Anyone who doesn't allow themselves to feel vulnerable is severely hurting them self.  

Sometimes I want to comfort others, and sometimes I want to be held and told everything is alright. I think that's only human, and I'm not going to deny myself those experiences based on my gender. Seriously, how does that make any fucking sense?