Moments [H. Styles]

twelve

two worlds

My hands fumble at the buttons of my shirt, I study my reflection for what seems like ages. I've got to make a good impression on the kid, I missed over a year of his life already.

"Are you sure this shirt matches?" I turn to look at Bea. She shakes her head with a laugh, pressing her hands to my chest.

  "Yes, Harry. It matches. Who cares, anyways? It's a girl you had a one night stand with and a toddler. You'll be fine."

  "They're my family." I say, looking away. "Whether we like it or not, they're always going to be a part of me. A big one, at that. Just as you and Celeste are."

  "I'm your wife." She huffs and rolls her eyes, sitting on the hotel bed.

  "She's the mother of my son." I huff back. I feel my chest tighten and do my best to remain calm. "You know how hard it is for me to be here. In case you forgot, the last time I was here is the reason we are here today. Don't push me, Bea."

  "What, you'll cheat on me again? Try to kill yourself to make me feel bad? We've done this all before, Harry! I don't know what you expect from me! We were happy and all of a sudden you have this other kid, this whole other life!" She raises her voice and I feel sick to my stomach. How low of her to use the darkest time of my life against me.

  "Get out." I turn to her this time, my eyes burning. There are flames in my stomach and vomit is raising up my throat, I'm sure of it. "Get the fuck out! I don't even want as much as to see you until we put Celeste to bed tonight." I rush to the door, throw it open and wait for her departure.

  She grabs her purse and coat before storming out of the room, slamming the door closed as if I am in the wrong. What is so wrong about wanting to be a part of my son's life? If anything, she should be proud that I am stepping up and doing the responsible thing.

  "Hey, love." I coo and try to calm down Celeste, picking her up from the massive bed. "Don't cry, Mommy and I are fine." I assure her. She simply gives a small smile and buries her head into my neck.

   I sit on the bed with her playing endless little games; from peekaboo, tickle fights, to her brushing my hair with her chubby, little hands for what feels like hours. It's all fun until my alarm to get dressed rings through the room, forty-five minutes until everything could change.

  I dress in my white button up and my black slacks, easy but a classic. "Come on, beautiful." I walk Celeste to her suitcase where she picks out her favorite yellow dress. It really does clash with how gloomy and dreadful both Seattle and Holmes Chapel truly are but she truly looks so beautiful that it doesn't even matter.

  "Shoes!" She squeals and grabs her little white pull-on sneakers before plopping herself onto the floor, waiting for my assistance.

  "Dress first, Celeste." I laugh and sit on the floor with her, removing her baggy shirt and slipping the dress over her head, pulling her arms through, "Now leggings," I smile and kiss her nose, picking her up and leaning her onto my chest to help her into them. "Go ahead." I laugh and she throws the shoes into my lap with a loud laugh, pushing her feet into the air.

  Once the shoes are secured on her restless little self, I stand and walk to get her coat. "No, Daddy. Hot!" She whines and fights my attempts to put the jacket on.

  "Celeste, it's freezing out! No jacket, no new friend!" I bribe her and she huffs, shaking her head at me. "Cel, I'm serious. Jacket now."

After several minutes I finally convince her with a promise for cuddles and a bedtime story later that night. I set her on my hip and head out of the hotel room, my stomach on the floor. The taxi is already outside waiting when Celeste and I step out and I can make out the silhouette of a woman, my woman. "Bea? You're going to come?" I say once I open the door. There's already a carseat in place for Celeste so I buckle her in. I tell the driver the address to confirm and he nods, pulling away.

"Of course, Harry. In some different way that is unknown to me right now, Theo is sort of my kid too. We're married so that technically makes him my stepson, right? I want to meet and get to know them, too, Harry." She speaks as if it is something I should know. 

"Thirty minutes ago she was just some whore that ruined us to you, what changed?" I huff and roll my eyes. "Don't you think I'm going to try to kill myself again? I truly can't believe you said those things to me. What happened to the sweet Bea that couldn't get enough of yellow crayons and blushed every time I held her hand?" Before she can fire back I sigh. "I ruined you, that's what. I corrupted you with all of my hurt and pain."

  "Not everything is about you, Harry." She says and my self esteem takes a hit. "What I mean is, not everything bad in the world is your fault. I've got my own battles, too. It still stings sometimes but not because you did it, it's my own inner issues and insecurities. I took a walk and got lost. Both in my thoughts and I literally got lost. I thought about what if I were her. What if I had Celeste and you had no idea about her for over a year? It'd be so hard, I can't imagine how she feels. No mother or parent in general deserves that. I want to be as good to them as I can be. I'm sorry for the things I said, you don't have to forgive me but know that I am truly sorry."

    "Thank you." I simply state and turn my attention to Celeste. She smiles as I poke and prod at her sides. Her sweet laughter fills the taxi and the sadness in my heart fades. "I love you, sweet girl." I whisper and I feel Beatrice's eyes on me.

  The driver finally pulls to the side of the road and all my eyes can see down the road are the smallest, most run down "apartments" you could imagine. 

  "Oh my god." I sigh under my breath and pay the man before unbuckling Celeste and handing her over to Beatrice. "She went this long without asking for help. Even now, she hasn't asked." We step out of the taxi and I grab the car seat, thanking the driver. I walk behind the car to see Beatrice and Hailey talking. I was absolutely near soiling my pants to say the least. 

  I walk up to them and go in to give Hailey a side hug. "Hey. I see you met the ladies?" I joke and earn some small but genuine laughs. 

  "I'm sorry for the place, I'm so embarrassed. My mum kicked me out when she found out I was pregnant and this is all I can afford on my own." She admits shyly and my heart breaks some more. My child and his mother have been living in damn near poverty and I was such an ass that she waited this long to reach out to me.

  "Don't worry about it. I'll help you as much as I can. Get you a nicer place here, maybe a studio apartment back in Seattle so we can have some family days on occasion?" She's timid but she nods. "Where's my little man at?" I say with a smile to break the awkward tension. 

   "Excuse my manners! Come on in." She waves us into their home and I try not to dwell on the condition of said home. "This is the living room and kitchen, and then through this door is my and Theo's room." She gives us a tour and Beatrice puts Celeste on the floor. She instantly runs to the door and starts babbling, like she can hear someone behind there. Hailey opens the door and leads us inside and I finally lay eyes on my son. 

  "Theo, bub! Look who's here!" Hailey smiles and lifts him out of his play pin. She holds him up to me and he watches my every move. He's cautious and hesitant but he lets me take him into my arms with no fuss. I start to cry immediately and hold him as tight as I can without hurting his small body. He babbles some "guh" and some "yah"'s and my heart is full. 

  I sit on the floor and place him next to Celeste and they instantly hit it off, playing and laughing like no tomorrow. "He looks just like me when I was small." I laugh and watch him admire us strangers. I look at him and how much he resembles me and I cannot fathom how a father could look at his son and think the way mine did. I push the thoughts away. This is our day and he cannot ruin it for me. I will not let him ruin anything for me anymore. 

  "He really does." Beatrice laughs and refrences one of my baby photos where my mum was holding me on her hip and had Gemma by the waist upside down. The biggest smiles on all of our faces. One of my favorites, really. Theo has the exact same expression when he plays with Celeste. It amazes me how equal they are in size considering their age difference. ONly a couple of months but still.

  "Thank you for reaching out to me." I speak to Hailey, "I am so fucking grateful. Thank you for loving and caring for my son while I wasn't around. I'm sorry you felt as if you couldn't reach out sooner." She starts to tear up and I go in for a full on hug. I hear Beatrice start to cry, too.

 A small room filled with three crying adults and two babbling, laughing babies. A beautiful, beautiful day that I never ever forgot.