Dealing with death was something that I thought that I wouldn't have to go through. (delusional, I know) I lowkey thought I would die before anyone close to me would. Not that I wanted to die but it was a scenario that I couldn't see me going through.
The first experience of death ( that I can remember) I had was when I was 6 or 7 and my great grandpa died. Didn't know I even know I had a great grandpa that was still alive! I was so disconnected from the situation that it didn't affect me at all. My thoughts were "oh he died, oh well." Because I didn't understand the concept of death I didnt care. All through life up until I was 20 I thought of people (other than my close family) as disposable. Like their life didn't matter unless I saw significance in it. Like the feelings that people show or family Would show was not real. Like it was all a façade in this simulation. Now I see that I had a disconnect with humanity.
I started to understand the concept of death when I was 20 and my uncle died. It was the day before hurricane Irma was going to hit Florida. We're going to leave later that day but we got woken up by my uncles girlfriend's mother knocking at the door ; she told us to tell my grandmother that we needed to go to the hospital because my uncle Richard went into diabetic shock. My grandmother can't walk far so we decided to call the hospital. Me my grandmother and my brother sit on the bed in her room And call the hospital we talk to one person and Said "can talk to Richard Seay" They said "one moment" and came back to the phone saying "hold on let me get you to somebody else." They switched us over to someone else who said the same thing and then they switched us over to someone else and they put us on hold. Then they come back and switches over to someone else and They did it for a good 10 minutes and no one told us anything. So me and my brother decided to go up there and then come back and tell my grandma what happened and what was wrong. We go to the residence side of the hospital and ask for his name and they told us he was in the emergency side of the hospital. We go to the emergency side and they tell us to go down this hallway and follow the purple signs to the waiting area. Me my brother walking as fast as we can but the walk seem to take so long like were in a never ending hallway. We get to the waiting area and there's people sitting in there and I don't look at their faces because I don't look in people's faces that often unless I'm talking to them. I hear sniffling and someone say "I can't believe this" and I recognize her voice. It's my uncle's girlfriend crying and I really get confused and look around to see everybody crying and they were people I knew. As me my brother sit there with puzzled faces her sister turns to us and says "nobody told you?" Your uncle died." I immediately collapsed on the floor screaming while hearing my brother screaming at the top of his Lungs down the hallway. All that was running through my head was my cousins (their father). I never felt anything like that before, unable to control my tears and contain my screams. Time seem to slow down significantly. Everything started to look unreal like I was in a different world or a plot twist in a movie. When my brother and I got our-selves together we headed back home. That had to be the longest car ride of my life. We get in the house and go to my grandmothers room to see my grandma, uncle Greg and aunt Lia sitting in silence with red faces and puffy eyes. We sit with them and try to console them. Soon I get up and go outside to try and process it. Then I think "does my father know his twin brother had died?" My brother comes outside to find me and I say to him "do you think we should call daddy? I don't want to tell him" my brother says "Megan we have to." So I call him to tell him and he picks up the phone crying and I knew he knew. I didn't know what to say so I say softly "hey daddy you okay?" And he says so softly while his voice cracks and whimpers "no" I cant remember the rest of the phone call but after we get off the phone I was so confused and deeply filled with sorrow that I called the one person that I felt could make this go away, my mom.
