All At Once

Ch. 27: Needing someone is the worst way to miss them

I woke up the next morning with a gross taste in my mouth. I got up, stumbling to the bathroom to brush my teeth and began remembering the remainder of the party, how I felt so hopeless and sad. How that guy touched my hips. How much I missed Harry and how badly I wanted to be out of there. 

Finally I called a cab and came straight home. I practically ran inside and put my phone on it's charger. I wasn't sure exactly where Harry was or what time it was there I just knew I needed him. 

I remember calling him 3 times but he never answered. I called 10 times after that, just to hear his voice on his voicemail.

And finally, I just went to sleep.

I splashed some water on my face and rubbed my temples. After I quickly patted my face dry I rummaged through my drawers and closet for something to wear and ended up settling on jeans and a t-shirt. 

As I turned to walk out of my closet I gasped. There he was, standing in the doorway of my room. I blinked a few times, thinking it must have been my imagination but every time I opened my eyes, he was still there. 

Harry looked tired, sluggish even. His hair was pushed down underneath a beanie and his hands hung at his sides. It felt like we just stood there for an eternity when it was probably only a minute or so. 

I just couldn't get myself to move, let alone talk. I didn't know what to say. 

Harry pushed his body from the door frame and walked over to me. With every step he took my anxiety grew and I just knew. And I knew that he knew, too, by the way he looked at me. 

He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly, sighing. I hugged him back and immediately, tears came to my eyes. 

"I've been on a plane all night, I just got your calls." he said. 

"Oh." was all I could think of. 

 "I'm sorry." Harry mumbled. 

I couldn't control my emotions, the tears just started pouring out. He let me cry on his shoulder and he stroked my hair and rubbed my back, making soothing "shh" noises with his mouth, assuring me everything was going to be okay. 

"I'm sorry Harry." I continued, "I'm sorry I didn't return your calls and I'm sorry I've been shitty about this whole situation." 

He brought me back into a tight hug and said, "Shh, it's alright love."

"All of a sudden life just came tumbling down again and I didn't know what to do. With you always gone and Josh always busy, I've been so lonely."

"We're going to figure it out, okay?" I looked Harry in the eyes and I knew because of the fact that he wouldn't look me in mine that he didn't mean it, just wished he did.

...

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, looking up at Harry. I had fallen asleep on his chest on the couch after we came home from lunch and he was still sound asleep.

I continued to look at him, the lines on his face and the way he pouted his lips when he slept. Being able to kiss him again was incredible. 

After my little crying episode I got myself together and we went out to lunch. I could tell he was tired though, probably jet lagged. So we picked up lunch to go at an Olive Garden and I drove. On the way back home we were at a red light and I caught him staring at me, again, and I didn't mind. 

When I turned my head again to say something he was right there, kissing me, hands in my hair, on my neck, bringing me closer. There is no feeling that could ever be better than the way his lips felt on mine in that moment. It was like his lips were home and I had been gone for so long, even though it was pretty much the other way around. 

I realized that I love this man so much, I would do anything for him. I realized that I need to snap out of my "no reason to live" state of mind and be thankful for everything I have, all of the people I have in my life. So I decided I would make this work for his tour, I had to. 

I was going to let him go, I was going to pull myself together and do everything in my power to be better for him. 

I layed my head back on his chest, listening to his heart beat. I did that for a few minutes until I felt him moving under me and I got up. He blinked rapidly and looked like he was in a panic, looking at his watch. 

"What's wrong?" I asked. 

"Nothing." Harry sighed, calming down. "Nothing's wrong. I had a dream I was late for something." he said.

"Something for tour?"

"Yeah." 

I nodded. 

"Annie, I need to talk to you." 

I looked back at Harry who stood up, so I got up too. 

"What is it?" I asked. 

Harry sat back down, he looked anxious. 

"What's going on?" I asked, sitting down next to him. 

He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it, never looking me directly in the eye. 

"Harry?" My voice cracked.

"Annie, you know I love you." He said. 

Realizing what it sounded like, my chest tightened, I could barely breathe, but I didn't say anything. 

"But this isn't fair to you, none of this is. I'm so sorry for what I've put you through." We were both blinking away tears now, or I was trying to at least.

"I think we should take time for ourselves during tour. I'm not saying I'm going to go fuck other girls or anything like that, it's not like that. I probably won't even be able to look at other girls, honestly. I just...I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. You mean the world to me. I never want to hurt you again. And you'll be on my mind the whole time. But I need you to focus on getting better. I've been here for less than 24 hours and I can see how depressed you are. There's no light in your eyes anymore, Annie. I can't help but think I caused this and I'll never finish being sorry for this."

"Harry..." my lips quivered.

He shook his head. "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, Annie, let me finish." A tear fell from his eye and my chest got even tighter, I couldn't hold it in. I started crying. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm coming back for you after the tour, okay? This isn't goodbye, I'm coming back. And when I do, it'll be for good. I love you so much Annie. I'm sorry. I think I should go." 

He got up and walked slowly to the door, I couldn't get myself to watch. I just listened to the sound of his steps and flinched to the sound of the door closing behind him. 

I felt so helpless. What now? Picking up the pieces again? 

For once in my life I had no idea where to go from here, and that scared me. I wasn't expecting Harry to say any of that, which made his words hit me even harder. How could he think my life being a mess was his fault? How could he think...

I didn't know what to do, what to think. After my parents died I tried to stay strong, I took care of Josh. After Connor cheated on me I cried as much as I needed to, let it make me stronger, and I kept myself together. The pain I was feeling now was so different than all the others I had felt.

All at once I felt myself really, truly begin to fall apart.