You Want It All Until You Have It

I Do Better When I'm Losing

"Ryan! Get the fuck up!" I groaned and threw my blanket over my head. I barely wanted to be alive. What made Gabe think I'd be okay with being awake? "Ryan, I will drag you out of your room if you don't get up."

When I didn't make an effort to move, I felt his hands grab my ankles. Slowly, I was ripped away from my comfort.

"What could have possibly been so important that you dragged me off of my bed for it?"

"Guess who is the best friend ever."

"I don't know. I think my dog when I was a kid was pretty great," I teased.

"Shut up, asshole. It's me. I'm the best friend ever."

"I think that's debatable." Gabe never took things seriously, so it was fun to tease him. That's probably why he was the only one to stick around.

"Well let's just say I have ten numbers that can change you're life."

"What ten numbers could change my life? It's not like a lottery or anything. Unless it's like one of those lotteries where the winner gets stoned to death."

"So, I got a guys phone number." 

"I'm not interested, Gabe."

"I think you are." He smirked like he always did. It was comforting. It was like he was something stable in my life. "Dan Keyes. Does the name ring a bell?" It did. I couldn't remember though.

"Why does it?" I built up enough energy to actually sit up on the bed.

"Your ghost." I stared at him not quite sure what to do. My mouth hung open as I just stared blankly. "Why don't you actually invite him to your next party?"

"I can't. No. He won't even come if I ask."

"Oh my god, Ryan. Don't be such a pussy. You won't know unless you invite him." He grabbed me shoulders and shook them. It was probably some attempt to force some common sense into me.

"Give me his number. I'll do it later," I sighed. He gave me a paper with his number sprawled across it.

"Do it now." 

"Why do you even care so much?"

He threw his head back and laughed like it was obvious. It seemed like that kept happening.

"You have been acting like a bum for over a month. It's like my Ryan has died. Now do it." He handed me my phone and waited expecting me to do as he says. I had to refuse. I was already committed to saying no, and I was not about to give in so easily. We were both stubborn people, so things like that happened often. I would want one thing. He would want another. Gabe was smart, though. He almost always got what he wanted.

He plucked the phone from my hands with a slight smile. He dialed the number from the paper, and waited for an answer.

"Hey, Dan! What's up?"

I tried to listen to the other side of the conversation.

"Hey, listen man, my buddy, Ryan, wants to ask you something real quick. Okay?"

I still couldn't hear the response. Gabe shoved the phone up to my ear which caught me by surprise.

"I uh hey it's said friend.. Ryan."

"Hey, so what's up?" The voice was familiar. Most likely because it had been playing in my head non stop.

"So I'm ...uh ya know... Well I'm going to have a party this weekend and I...um..would you maybe like probably come?" I internally cursed at myself. Why did I always embarrass myself?

"Yeah. Sounds good."

"Yeah um thanks. Bye." I hung up before he even got to speak in return. My chest was pounding, and my hand was shaking. Gabe patted my back trying to comfort me, but it didn't help at all.

"Calm down, Ry. It's going to be okay." 

"God damn. I'm so awkward."

"That's not a lie, but so is he." 

"How do people function?" I fell back onto the bed. I'm sure Gabe was sick of me moping around, but I couldn't convince myself to actually get up.

"They aren't self-pitying dicks." I was definitely just that. 

"I hate that you're always fucking right." He grabbed my hands and pulled me up to my feet. He led me down the halls and down the staircases until we reached the basement. He held a pool cue toward me.

"You wanted to play pool this badly?" I asked, taking the cue from him.

"No, I wanted you to actually do something." He set the table as he spoke.

"You care way too much about me," I sighed. I hit the cue ball and the colored balls scattered across the green felt.

"I really do. I can't help it." He knocked a ball into the pocket. "You know. You ought to try to be his friend before you beg him for sex." And a miss.

"Why does he have to act so hard to get?" In. "Like, is there actually anybody with morals anymore?" In. "I mean, if he's gay he obviously doesn't have many." Miss.

"A man can be gay and still have morals. It's not like every gay man goes around fucking every guy he sees." Miss.

"Well if they're hot enough..." Miss.

"Ryan, they are just like any other person." Miss.

"Any other person would fuck somebody if they were hot enough." Cue ball in the pocket.

"Some people don't have the ultimate goal to get off like you." In. "Just don't beg for sex." Miss.

"Fine. Whatever." Miss.

"You want a shot with him, right?" In. "He wants a relationship." In. "You will have to commit. Are you ready for that?" Miss.

"I think so. Maybe." Miss.

"You don't have to yet, so don't worry about it." Miss.

"Why him? I have never liked anyone this much, and I see him one time and I'm done." Miss.

"Love at first sight." In. "Really, man. You wanted him badly." In. "I tried to get you someone else, but you wouldn't have it." Miss. "Fuck."

"It's not love." In. "I don't actually love a man." Miss.

"Because that would just totally be absurd. It's almost like you have been moping around for a month because he turned you down." In. He smiled. "I win."