Thicker Than Paper

Vulnerability

Indescribable. I don't care about the paper crane. I don't care about the lake or my messy bed sheet. I don't care anymore. Maybe I should. I know I should. But I don't. I'm beyond numb. I think about the scissors hidden somewhere in my desk. I don't get up to get them. I just beg for sleep to bless me for one night. 

~~~

"Hey."

"Hey, whats up. I something wrong? It's nine o'clock at night?"

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"No, you don't have to. I just...how are you?"

"I'm good, great actually. Wanna know why?" I try to sound luring and seducing.

"Ooh, why?"

"My parents are at the college for tonight to watch Sarah get some award. I told them I didn't feel good and I got to stay home."

"I hope this is where I think it's going..."

"They shouldn't be home till way past midnight."

"I wouldn't want you to be home alone."

"The doors unlocked."

"Are you going to pay for my gas?"

I hang up with a heartsick smile on my face.

~~~

"Hey, bab-" I pull his shirt off as soon as he hits the doorway to my room.

I attack his neck, sucking and licking. I let him push me towards the bed. He falls on his back and I keep kissing his neck, switching sides. I trail up his neck, before slipping my tongue between his lips. 

My crotch pulses as I rub against his. Slowly, getting faster. I just want to taste him. Everywhere. My hands pull his hair, a moan comes out of him. 

"Phoenix," I don't let him continue. 

My hands find his bare chest, feeling his soft pale skin down to his hips. I slip one finger under his sweatpant band. 

"Phoenix," He pushes me away and my heart grips and stomach flips, "Phoenix...i...i want to give you something."

My eyes crinkle in confusion, his hands trail down to my hips, "Phoenix, it's my turn to...help you."

I blink. He wants to do something for me. Not me blowing him, or giving him a hand job. He wants to do something to me.

I'm taken by surprise as he flips me over, so I lay on my back against the bed. He hovers over me, his bangs hanging down, tickling me. I laugh, happy at this turn of events.

This time, it's him sucking on my neck. My back arches a little in pleasure. I wrap my hands around his shoulder, my fingers digging lightly. 

His mouth makes it down my chest, my stomach fluttering and mind fuzzy. But, then, suddenly it's not. It's crystal clear. The scissors in my desk. The cuts on my hips. The cuts.

I push on his shoulders, getting him off me. Wide-eyed, I jump off the bed. My chest heaves with fear. He can't see it. He called me perfect. Cuts are not perfect.

"Phoenix! Phoenix, whats wrong?" He doesn't get off the bed. 

I feel like I'm on a stage, he's the audience about to throw tomatoes at me.

"No, I just-no. You can't," My voice is as shaky as my legs.

"Can't, what? Phoenix, whats wrong?" His eyes are wide and I feel the fear creeping everywhere.

"Can't pull my pants down. You can't see me," His face morphed into one of confusion and humor.

"See you? Phoenix I don't care about your size, I like. Big or small," I laugh at that.

"No, Travis. It's not about that. No, its...you called me perfect, and nice, and sweet, and I'm none of that! Travis, you have no fucking idea how messed up I am!" I should have stopped, I should have kicked him out. Then he can't walk out if I make him.

"Messed up? Phoenix, you're not messed up!"

"Yes, I am! Travis, yes! I'm so fucking fucked up! Travis, I'm not perfect. I'm not everything you said. I'm not perfect or innocent like you said you liked about me!" The tears burn but tickle my cheeks, "I've got cuts, all over my hips. I cut myself, Travis! Because I was so fucking fucked up I wanted to see the blood. I'm sick, and messed up, Travis! I can't do this to you. You only just came out! Your options are bigger than just me! I... you deserve better, Travis. Much, much better. I'm sorry."

Travis doesn't say anything but shakes his head. His eyes are wet, and about to leak. 

"Travis, you need to get out. And find someone who is better. Who doesn't have shit to drag you through? You have your entire life ahead of you! You shouldn't let some fucked up high school boyfriend make up your senior year."

"Phoenix, it's ok-"

"Travis, it is not. We both it's not. You need a shirt and a better boyfriend. Not me."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Now the tears roll and my lungs stop working.

 I know I'll feel guilty for my entire life for doing this. But a part of me worries I'll feel worse if I don't do this.

"Travis, I'm trying to save you. Help you-" 

"No, Phoenix, you don't get to decide if you can save me. I don't need to be saved! But if you really don't want to do this anymore-this good thing we have-then we don't have to. I'll never make you do something you don't want to. Remember when you said that? Because I want to. But if you can't bear the thought of this anymore, or ruining my life, or whatever shit has got in your head, then don't. Take your time, realize you are fine no matter how you are. If you ever feel like you're good enough for me, find me, but always know you've always been good enough." I watch him get off the bed, snatch up his shirt. With a sad glance back, he leaves.

 And so do I. Mentally, at least.