Personal Assistant (Ryden)

Chapter thirty-one

"Why are you going home?" Dallon asks once they're about 3/4ths through the drive, and Ryan shrugs. They finally reached a spot where the radio isn't staticky and it now is playing clear music. 

Dallon looks at him briefly.

"I know that look. That look means that something happened. Something bad. Why are you leaving?"

"I told Brendon that I'm in love with him," Ryan says, suddenly wanting to cry all over again.

"Okay? Isn't that a good thing? You love him and he-"

"Pushes me away and tells me it was all a mistake?" Ryan cuts Dallon off and Dallon feels anger fill his chest.

"He what?" Dallon asks. 

"Maybe it was a mistake. I mean, I came here to help Sarah, and look at me now," Ryan says, trying to laugh but tears form in his eyes again. "God, I'm a mess," he mutters, looking down. His hands are shaky and skinny and pale. 

"It wasn't a mistake. Brendon's an idiot, it wasn't a mistake," Dallon explains, but Ryan shakes his head. 

"An idiot I let myself fall in love with. I just-... I wanna say that I'm not angry because he said he doesn't love me, but I am. I am angry, because-"

"Because what?"

"It hurts," Ryan says instead. He won't admit it. Only Sarah and Spencer know, so he's not gonna let himself tell anyone else. It doesn't change anything. Either way, Brendon doesn't love him and he never will. "I just wanna... I don't know, I hate that I'm so in love with him. He... he kissed me and it just came out and I felt like I was melting and then he pushed away and told me... how it was a mistake and how he doesn't love me. I don't know what to do and I don't really want more people knowing."

"I don't think he'll tell anyone. I won't either."

Ryan forces a whisper of a smile, tugging at his blue hoodie sleeves sadly. Chills are running through his body, pain coursing through his veins. His veins are too young to be depressed. The young veins. His young veins.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do when I go home. Sarah's moving to LA and my grandma's dead. I don't have anyone to go to anymore." 

"You have my number, right?"

"I destroyed my phone," Ryan says almost immediately. 

"What about that other phone? The one B-... um, the one he gave you?" Dallon asks and Ryan internally thanks him for not saying his name. 

He leans down and grabs it from his bag. 

"I don't know why I kept it."

"Keep it. Call me when you need to, okay? Call me, call Sarah, call Spencer, call Tyler, call Josh, call Br-" He stops immediately.

"I don't have Spencer's number. Do you?" Ryan asks. 

"Yeah, I'll text it to you," Dallon says, and Ryan nods, putting the phone in his pocket.

"You're not gonna tell anyone about... what happened between us? Between me and Brendon?"

"No, of course not. I would only ever tell Sarah or Spencer, and that's only if I had your permission." 

Ryan nods, taking a deep breath. It hurts more than he'd ever thought it would. People say that love hurts but he didn't realize that this is what they meant. 

They reach the airport pretty quickly, and Ryan takes another deep breath. 

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" Dallon asks carefully. 

"I don't wanna see Brendon Urie ever again," Ryan says, staring right at the building. He turns, meeting Dallon's worried gaze. "I'm sure." 

Dallon turns off the car and Ryan unbuckles, opening the door. Dallon does too, and Ryan grabs his two bags. He didn't bring much for the obvious reason of not being too worried about clothes. He was nervous when he got here, now he's leaving with a broken heart for a complete opposite reason. 

They hug for a little bit, Ryan finally forcing himself to relax. They pull away and Dallon gives him a sad smile. Ryan looks down and turns, walking to the building. He's tired of people pitying him. 

He gets through security and boards the plane easily. Minnesota to Seattle, it's not a very popular airport based on the lack of people. Then again, it's also nearly 8pm. The airport is an hour and a half away from where they're filming.

Ryan sits in peace, watching the lights turn off and feels the plane soon take off. He doesn't know if he's being overdramatic or childish or anything because he doesn't know how to handle the situation. He can't face Brendon anymore, he's decided that much. He can't handle looking at someone who told him that he doesn't love him, that everything they've done was a mistake.

He can remember everything. He misses Brendon's touch. The way he holds him when they kiss, the way Brendon calmed him down those times by hugging him close, the way they sat in bed after he fell through the ice and Brendon snuggled with him, the time they kissed by the fire. Brendon's scent lingers on Ryan's hoodie, and he tries to steady his sudden uneven breathing. He hates this. He hates feeling so low, so hurt, so rejected. 

Ryan sighs and leans against the side of the plane, staring out the window. He takes a quick picture, then posts it to his Instagram with the simple, all lowercase caption 'home.' and nothing else. 

He grabs his headphones, connects it to his phone, then begins to play music and forces himself to relax. He could laugh at his sudden realization, but considering why he does now, he won't, but he came here and left with the exact same phrase:

"I hate Brendon Urie."