poems.

losing control.

I think you waited for a text about you. I know you read the poems I published the past few times. And I tried to hide it, denying the truth.
I was losing control.

Thinking about it, you used the weak spots of me. But you were the one of us being scared. You are the girl with the feelings for another one. You are the one with problems of being anxious.
Thinking about the term "relationship"- I don't know a person with so much panic in your eyes as you.
What was so wrong about me?

I tried to trust you so much.
Do you even know how much pain you caused?
You left through what's app. I hope you know how fucked up this was.
You left with bullshiting me.
And I deserved so much more than that.
I deserved more than just another girl who just played with my heart.
And the worst thing is you knew my story. You knew exactly what I've been through.
And I warned you.
I warned you a thousand times.
And you just said "I love you."

Here I am talking and talking about things that went wrong, even though I don't know what the fuck just happened.
Just like...
What the fuck did just happen?
Do you even feel any shame?
Any type of guilt?
Cause if I were you,
I would be ashamed as fuck.

I know you've got issues. Problems. I know some pieces of your story, you didn't tell anyone. Or maybe you did, and this was just another lie. I don't know.
But I respected you the whole fucking time. I tried to be there for you, even though it wasn't fair.
Again.
What was wrong about me?

Don't fail at your interpretations. I don't want anything of you. Cause you only caused pain and I've got plenty of that at myself.
But I also ask myself again and again the last few weeks what I did to be this kind of a failure to you.
What did change your mind so rapidly?
Cause the last time I saw you, you just buyed a bottle of bismarck water. And it was adorable.

Now you're an asshole who was fucking playing with my heart just for fun-
maybe just to get over her other girlfriend. You had some fun and tried something you didn't really  wanted, but you was too young to understand.

And I'm upset.
I'm disappointed at myself.
I shouldn't have trusted you.
I should have trust myself,
should've see this through,
just like I always did.

I don't know what went wrong.
I don't know why I thought you deserve this statement about myself.
I think, you don't even deserve anything of me, cause I was too good to you.
I was more caring than I should have been, cause at the end you just treat me like rubbish. Like just another bitch. I was girl number 8 of so many others, wasn't I?

And maybe now you've got that winning smile, like:
Yes, there's the text I wanted. She finally wrote about me. I'm still important to her.
Listen:
No, you're not.
You're a just a text of me.
A drunk thought of me while listening to music I once loved.
You're a teenage girl I've had too much believe in.
You're someone I'm glad never slept with.
You're someone I won't meet ever again.
Cause you already know what a mess you created.
You already know how bad your accident with meeting me was.
And maybe you regret everything of it.
Maybe you regret actually asking me out.
But I am not.
Cause now I know how fucking worthy I am.
And I realized the importance
of loving yourself first.
So you didn't ever teach me something.
But I learned a few things while dealing with you.

And I don't want to be rude.
I just want to tell how I am feeling, talking about you.
You just ripped me apart.
Oh Wonder,
I am ready to go.
I am tired of it all.

I just wanted you to know that
wherever you are,
whatever you're doing,
whoever is next after me:

I want you to think about it.
Think about what the hell of a fucking bleeding mess you've done.
At least one time, while I am dieing inside.
I think, that's the least thing I deserve.