poems.

disaster.

I'm a disaster

he called last night,
he was drunk again

and I'm a mess

I didn't eat,
I can't sleep again

tell me what to do

I would like to be the woman
you have always dreamed of
the one who comforts you,
makes you smile,
the one who knows how to treat,
how to touch you

but look at me
I'm a disaster

and he screamed so loud
that I still hear it in my dreams
I can feel how it's slowly
falling apart in me again
and
more than ever

I want to be the woman
you are proud to have beside you,
the one you can't stand with a look into her green-brown eyes
I always wanted to personify your sense of happiness,
I wanted to be the support you always needed

but look at my heart,
do you feel the weakness?
I always wanted to be strong,
wanted to show you how much I care,
how much I would do
as long as it makes you feel better

but here I am
after he called me
drifting apart in an ocean of thoughts, burning like lightning light in my green-brown eyes
I get blinder with every minute

after six months,
hundreds of kilometres
and so many tales about the future
he still picks me up
and destroys me

how could I be any of the things you want,
anything of what you deserve,
if I can barely save myself?

in my body
I'm a disaster,
and
nobody sees how my world is tumbling,
how much my ground is shaking

looking at my body
I feel the cuts,
the parts of myself
he touched
and the parts of my soul
that still ache

and yes,
I am screaming
yes,
I am breaking
and I don't even have a clue,
if anyone will ever notice
what's behind these words

pain, pain, pain
is all that I am feeling
I am bursting
and I need you to hold me
just seconds
to distract me from this horror
distract me

my mind doesn't know the difference between memories and dreams, doesn't seem to notice the difference between the truth and fears
in my head
there is no rule to don't hurt the other, to be friendly or play with fair methods
it's pure chaos, war, fulfilled emptiness
my mind can't distinguish between desperate wanting and real possibilities

all I need is to stop the movies in my head
I would like to sleep again, but
I need someone to be gentle,
to touch the places I feel the greatest weakness
I need you to show me
that I am as strong and powerful as ever
I need you to tell me how beautiful I am with these scars
I need you to show me
that I deserve to be loved

change my mind,
show me the differences
take my disaster
and create a story out of it,
take my body
and carry me through the night
until your lovely words slip into me like a flood of milk and honey,
take care of my body
and treat me like every touch of yours is worship
I need someone
who declares
that I am the woman of her dreams
the one she would never let go

and maybe
some people do have better offers than me
maybe there a girls
that look better,
those with money or
those who didn't ever feel what I am feeling know,
maybe you want someone more talented, someone with more intellect
maybe you don't even want a woman

but look at me
I'm a disaster
and a sure as that goes
I know that there's no disaster on earth
that could do the things to you that I can
the good and the bad

and maybe we're both not as different as it seems

turn this poem around
what would you want me to answer?