BURDEN ✔

[Chapter 25]

"You know that everytime I went back after meeting my therapist, I went straight to Namjoon and Hoseok to talk about it." Yoongi told him. Seokjin nodded then the younger continued. "We discussed about it. I always heard every word that my therapist said. I had a problem with opening up to her and she understood, so she gave me some advice that I could discuss with Hoseok and Namjoon."

Seokjin lowered his head and nodded, a gesture that told Yoongi he was listening.

"The reason why I never tell Jiminie, Taehyungie or Kookie about it is because I don't want to bother them. In my eyes, they're still kids, I still look at them as their predebut self, and I never want to make them upset or overthink about my condition." He continued and chuckled to himself. "I guess I have a really soft spot for them."

Seokjin smiled a little at the obvious fact.

"And the reason why I never tell you is because I know that you're hurting too." Yoongi told him.

"But Namjoon and Hoseok are hurting too." Seokjin told him. Yoongi raised his eyebrows, surprised at the older's words.

"They're hurting but they always talk about it, at least between the three of us. But...do you really know about them?" Yoongi asked him, tilting his head slightly.

"Yes, I know Yoongi-ah. I knew about Hoseok, I knew about his anxiety, his self-doubt and his overthinking habit, I knew about Namjoon and his hardship of being a leader. I knew it all." Seokjin told him. "But I didn't dare to talk about it with you, knew that the three of you have each other and I knew you guys didn't need an addition of someone who knows about your problems. It will be too overwhelming."

Yoongi sighed and rubbed his hair. "So, you knew."

"Yes."

Yoongi nodded, it was his turn to look down, avoiding Seokjin's stare.

"I also knew about Jungkook's extreme homesickness that liked to visit him in unexpected situation. I knew how hard Jimin could be towards himself, pushing himself too hard and put the other members as his number one priority. I knew how thoughtful and kind-hearted Taehyung's heart is, that he always silently crying when he accidentally started an argument with the others, because he never wanted to hurt the others. I knew." Seokjin added. "But you have Namjoon and Hoseok, the maknaes have each other's back, so all I could do was just secretly helping you guys by cooking your favourite food, let the maknae line sleep with me when they felt down, positioning myself so I could make you guys comfortable."

"But you're hurting too." Yoongi said. "Even before our predebut time."

"But I was in denial." Seokjin added, he couldn't stop himself from pouring his heart out. "I always lie to myself, telling me that I'm okay, that I'm fine, that I'm completely alright. I always put a perfect act of confidence in front of the camera, boosting about how handsome and good looking I am, entertaining people with my dumb dad jokes and my flying kisses. I always lie, telling myself that I have to feel grateful because I got accepted in such a great group with you guys. Telling myself that it was all alright, that getting the least lines is completely okay, that didn't have any screen time is completely fine, that being a worst dancer is completely normal. I always lie to myself. Telling that my sadness is only temporary, that I will be okay, that the pain inside my chest was me overreacting and the horrible voices inside my head was only me imagining it, and I am completely fine."

Yoongi looked at the older intently, noticing how Seokjin's voice broke at the end of his words.

"But that incident." Seokjin gulped the lump on his throat, blinking back his tears. "Everything came crashing down on me after that. Every lies that I made up all of these years fell on me like giant nets and I can't get out. I started to realise that I was putting on an act, I was denying every problem that I have, I was denying all of my emotions, all of my pain. I realised that I am not okay, and it was my fault. It was all my fault."