Contronym

Chapter 30

Hands.

Hands, I felt them all over my body. Covering my mouth, squeezing my throat, kneading my breasts, slapping me across the face, clawing at my insides. Pain blistered on my legs where hand print shaped bruises was left behind. My eyes watered and my throat burned worse than it ever had before.

Blood.

Blood that flowed from my mouth and my gashes. Blood dripped from my core and my forehead, down into my eyes. Crimson, salty liquid filled my throat, gurgling I tried to fight the hands away. My own hands turned red as blood seeped from my finger tips from behind my nails. My vision was blinded by red, the noise around me sounded like it was under water from the blood in my years. The warm drips flowed down the sides of my face and onto my neck.

Screams.

Blood curling screams were the only noises that were heard clear as day. My own mouth was opened like a fish, blubbering to let the noise and the liquid that filled it out. The banche like noise clawed at my insides and made me want to plug my bleeding ears.

Another hand hit my face, making me stumble backwards while holding my jaw as I fell onto the ground. Hands. The hands disappeared, leaving only a pair on the sides of my upper arms.

"Sylvia!" I voice called out in a drowned voice.

Finn's voice.

My eyes shot open and I gasped for breath, breathing rapidly like never before. I would have thought I was actually having a heart attack had it not been for the lack of pain in my chest. My body was sweating making me feel like I was still covered in my own blood. Tears rolled down my face as my saucer like pupils adjusted to the darkness.

"Sylvia! It's not real. It's only me. Baby, it's okay. I got you. They aren't real."

My muscles relaxed slightly when I saw that it was Finn who hovered above my body with his comforting hands that gripped my arms like I would disintegrate if he let go. I tried to blink my tears away and wipe them with my hand. Finn let go of his death grip on my arms and I sat up.

Finn backed up and sat down on the bed from his crouching position. I threw the covers off of me and ran my hands through my hair. It was still dark through the cracks in the window.

My breathing had evened out but my blood still rushed in my ears and thudded in my chest. I wordlessly got up and left my bedroom. Finn trailed behind me, but allowed a generous distance.

I descended the wooden staircase and crossed the foyer that lead to my kitchen. The light was flipped on without hesitation, I wouldn't stay in the dark right now. That was the last thing I needed after that nightmare.

Finn shuffled behind me as I fished out a pot and a packet of Ramen. I was about to open the seasoning packet to add to the water when Finn stopped me.

"Don't."

"Why not?" My voice was tougher than it had ever been before due to the strangulation.

"If you're going to ignore the doctor and try and eat solids, don't add the sodium packet. It will only burn. If anything, add some chicken broth. That's atleast a little less salty." He resounded from his spot leaning against the island. "But not by much." He muttered to himself.

Despite not wanting to, I listened to him and took out a can of broth from a cabinet. I dumped it into the pot with the block of Ramen and turned the burner on high. I would have leaned against the counter like Finn, but my vagina was on fire so I moved to sit down on one of the stools with a back on it.

When I settled into my chair uncomfortably, I looked back at Finn. His dirty blonde hair was messy and a few strands fell on his forehead but it still had the same curved shape as usual from the way he always raked it up to the left. I quite enjoyed his hair. I thought it was a turn on. My eyes drifted slowly down his face. The light of the kitchen hit his cheekbones perfectly and his green irises sparkled. His jaw was sculpted by God himself, much like his arms and shoulders that were emphasized by the crossing of his arms. I had to stop myself when my eyes made contact with his carved stomach and defined V that dipped into his low hanging shorts.

I shook my head and my eyes drifted to the counter in front of my where my arms and elbows rested. What was wrong with me? I was raped not 12 hours ago and now I'm thinking about fucking Finn. I can't do anything right. I couldn't even be a victim right. I was pathetic.

I wasn't strong enough to get through this. I was a little girl parading in an athletes body, desperately trying to stay afloat.

My eyes closed and I let out a shaky breath. Part of my was surprised that Finn didn't ask what the dream was about or try and talk to me, but the other half knew he wouldn't. Actually, most of me knew he wouldn't. Finn tried to respect boundaries and right now he didn't know what those boundaries were.

Hell, I didn't even know what they were. Neither of us had ever delt with a situation like this before.

"I don't know what I'm doing." I broke the silence because he wouldn't. "I can't even control my own mind. It's pathetic." My voice cracked much to my dismay.

"It's not pathetic. No once can control their mind. You think war heroes and rape survivors don't have nightmares? The doctor said you might. Dreams are the brains way of processing." He replied comfortingly. You would think he had done this before if it weren't for the slight nervousness in his eyes. He hid his emotions well, but I still saw them.

"Did I scare you?" I asked in a low voice. It sounds stupid, a small defenseless girl scaring a powerful man, but I needed to know.

He stayed quiet for a moment and my brain ran wild with conclusions and negative thoughts before his mouth parted and he spoke. "Yes. You scared the crap out of me." I closed my eyes and huffed out a breath through my nose. Of course. "Because," he said in a tone that made me open my eyes to look at him again. "Because the girl in my arms, who's probably the most important woman in my life, looks like she's been through more pain and abuse than any person should ever have to deal with, screaming bloody murder, trying to escape her own body and there's nothing I can do to help. Because I can't protect her from the thing that hurts her the most."

Silence hung in the air after that confession. I didn't know how to respond to that. The most important woman in his life? Holy shit. I knew his mother wasn't in his life and he didn't have any sisters but that was still huge. I must have been torturing Finn with my silence but he didn't let on. I was thinking so long that I forgot about the food boiling on the stove.

Finn didn't, though. He poured the contents of the pot into a bowl and placed it in front of me with a spoon and a fork. The movement seemed to snap me out of my trance. "You don't have to save me. It's not your fault," I whispered.

Finn rested his elbows on the counter and stayed leaning closer to me as he spoke. "I can't help but feel like it was. I should have slept in the guest bedroom."

This inquiry, I was quick to respond too. "No. If you weren't there, I wouldn't have been able to sleep at all. The doctor said this was one of the symptoms. They'll go away eventually...." I hoped.

When Finn looked up from the counter and into my eyes, I noticed how close our faces were. I could feel his warmth radiating onto me. I might have even kissed him but I didn't think now was the right time for me. Apparently, Finn didn't think so either because turned his head slightly and stood up all the way, putting more distance between us.

I'm an idiot. He wouldn't want me now that I'm broken.

I twirled my spoon and went to take a bite when Finn stopped me yet again.

"Cut it up first. You're not going to want to swallow long noodles."

I rolled my eyes but did as he said. "Thanks, mom." I huffed before putting it in my mouth. I haven't eaten since my early dinner before the game. I was starving for this carb filled goodness.

I put the delicious noodles in my mouth and swallowed. Halfway through, I had to wince because of the pain but I tried to hide it. Sadly, Finn was more perceptive then that.

"Told you." He looked serious but his mouth has a ghost of a smirk in the corners.

"No one asked you." I retorted and he let that small smile free.

At least there was still some sense of normalcy.