lucidity | shyland ✓

nineteen

chapter nineteen
an: i'm 25% done with my exams. i finish exams on june 29th and then have one more month of school until summer break yay!!

i have not spoken in two days, nor have i slept, properly eaten a meal or showered. it was pretty easy, confining myself to the small bedroom at garrett and andrew's house; i ignored any attempts of conversation and stuck to staring at the blank wall opposite me. i couldn't stay any longer, though. their parents were coming home today which meant this room would be needed, and plus the flurry of missed calls and texts from my father were spamming my phone constantly.

home.

i'm not sure what that word means anymore. when i heard the word home – cheesy i know – my mind lead to shane. his soft auburn hair that curled up at the ends if he left it to dry naturally and his arms, especially when they held me close. he was so tall, with broad shoulder, whereas i was tiny, only five foot seven. i felt small, dainty, safe. like i belonged, like i had someone.

except i didn't, because shane wasn't real.

i was scared. really, really scared, because once i've stepped through the door that in less than an hour will be stood between my father and i, there is no going back. along with my poor sister who is so naive to this whole thing, i will be living in a household with a dad who hates who i am, and a mother who is too scared to say any different.

my fingers were trembling as i packed the duffel bag that morgan had thrown together whilst garrett had carried me to the car and andrew had held my father back. at least, i think that's what happened, my memories from that day are too hazy after passing out.

'i'm sorry.' i heard a quiet voice murmur, making me snap my head up to the door. garrett was stood in basketball shorts and the oversized harry potter jumper he had worn when we had that argument a month ago. his hair was messily pushed up, fluffy blonde strands falling in front of his eyes.

i dropped the black t shirt clutched between my fingers and blinked confusedly. 'for what?' i asked, running a hand through my short hair. he blinked in shock, almost taken aback by the fact that i actually answered. all my conversations had been one sided in the last few days.

garrett shuffled awkwardly in the doorway. 'that you have to leave. i wish you could stay, but my parents need this bedroom and if they found out that you'd lived here for a few days without asking—'

'it's fine.' i beamed, my smile fake but convincing nonetheless. zipping my bag shut, i stepped forward and wrapped my arms around garrett, bringing him into a hug. 'thank you for letting me stay. we really should get going though.'

the blonde nodded, thumping his fist on andrew's bedroom. his younger brother appeared and morgan followed, dressed in a denim skirt and red t shirt that read new york across the front. her blonde hair was wavy and pushed back by huge sunglasses, and i couldn't help but feel ashamed of what a mess i looked next to her.

under my eyes were black circles from my lack of sleep, the dark marks fading into a purple-green bruise that danced up my cheekbone and along my hairline. my hair was a disaster, desperately needing a wash, and the clothes i wore were oh so different from the gucci and ralph lauren i was so attached to when this whole thing began.

my left foot began to twitch and jerk uncontrollably, and i sighed heavily. stupid fucking sleep, it seemed to be destroying me whether i actually slept or if i stayed up all night, fidgeting uncontrollably and downing can after can of red bull. i sighed and put all my pressure into my leg to stop its spasms, plastering a fake grin on my lips as my sister smiled warily at me.

*

driveways. my heart was racing as i walked up my own, pulse quickening as morgan's footsteps clicked against the brick. my dad was already waiting at the door, leaning against the doorway just as garrett had in the comfort and safety of their own home. i wasn't safe here. my mother appeared as i shut the front gate behind me with the electrical controller, passing the sleek lamborghini and several mercedes as i stood a few metres away from them.