[Before]

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When I was younger I have this concrete memory of crying, frustrated and angry about something stupid. I was around seven, probably upset about something ridiculous and unworthy of my intense emotional response. I remember sitting on the porch steps of our church, the summer breeze sweet against my tear stained cheeks. I couldn't stop crying, couldn't calm myself down. Suddenly a hummingbird was right in front of me, its wings flapping so fast and so gracefully. I stopped crying, amazed by its beauty and the fact that it was right there in front of me, unafraid. It stayed there for a few minutes watching me, staring at me. I knew then what it was, a sign. It flew away and I felt myself calming down, a wave of relief washing over me. Maybe I wasn't alone, maybe there was something looking over me, someone who cared. Ever since then on my darkest days, I've seen a hummingbird and known that everything would be okay.  

I've spent the last eleven years looking for signs like it, for a light to illuminate the darkness. 

I thought I'd found it.

I've never been so wrong. 

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