Say You Won't Let Go

01

Alexa

THE worst part about losing someone is losing them when you least expect it. It's not every day you have your parents break the news to you that your best friend has committed suicide.

It was one of those days where I just had that gut feeling that something was bound to go wrong, and trust me I've had more than one of those days, but never in my life could I have imagined something going this wrong.

The memory of hearing of my best friends death was as fresh in my mind as ink on a sheet of paper and the days after that were just a blur of tears and locking myself in my room all day attempting to convince myself that this was all some cruel joke, which I soon learned was the first stage of grieving. Denial.

But as much as I wasn't ready to move on I knew I had to try because even if she wasn't here to live her life with me I know that she would want me to live mine for the both of us. Even if I was still angry and confused about why hers ended.

I take a deep breath as I sit in my parked car while staring up at the building with the name Crystal Falls High School emblazoned on its front. The lawn is littered with teens as they converse about what they did over break while they go on as if absolutely nothing has changed when it feels like my whole world has changed.

Taking a deep breath I grab my things before opening the car door and stepping out. A cool breeze passes by and I'm grateful for the hoodie I decided to wear along with denim skinny jeans. Putting my head down I try to walk briskly into the building without having to run into anyone.

"Alexa!" Just my luck.

"Paige, hi." I force some enthusiasm into it but it didn't take rocket science to tell that I wasn't in the mood.

"I heard what happened and the girls and I just wanted to say sorry for your loss. You know if you ever need anything I would be happy to help." She says with what I could obviously tell was fake sincerity.

Paige Evans. Co-captain of the cheer team and certified mean girl. She's never really liked me and the feeling was mutual but I was forced to put up with her seeing as I was captain of the team. I look at her and the rest of the girls sitting at a table a few feet away.

"Thanks for your concern, Paige," I say, forcing down any hint of anger. "But I'm fine." With that being said I turn around and walk away before she can reply.

As I walk through the crowded hallway, I glance at the place where my best friend's locker used to be. The place where I'd meet with her every day to complain about how awful our mornings were as we headed to our first class together.

The place I'd no longer be going to every morning.

I paced through the hallways, memories boggling my mind as I tried so hard not to break down right then and there. It was hard enough waking up this morning and driving past her house on my way here, but this? This was heartbreaking. The shrill ringing of the bell broke me out of my trance and I hurried to my locker before heading off to my first class of the day.

As Ms. Anderson started teaching the lesson for today I couldn't seem to focus. I could not stop hearing her voice in the back of my head, or picturing her next to me not paying attention to the lesson at all as she made snarky comments about how awful Ms. Anderson's outfit choice was that day.

"Alexa? Ms. Parker are you with us?" The sound of Ms. Anderson's sickly sweet voice interrupts any further thoughts and I try to clear my head.

"Yes, sorry." I quickly apologize and she gives me a knowing look before continuing with the lesson.

As my next few classes went by time seemed to be moving agonizingly slow and it didn't help my mood as every now and then people would approach me saying how sorry they were for my loss and how she was such an amazing person. Half of them didn't even know her and it took everything in me not to snap.

When lunch finally came around I sat at my usual table towards the back, relieved to get a break to sort my thoughts. My break was short lived as I was joined by company.

"Hey, Alexa. How are you?" Alison greets as she and Madison sit down with their trays of today's mystery meat.

Alison and Madison. Twins and probably the sweetest girls you'll ever meet.

"I'm good," I replied half-heartedly. "What brings you guys here?"

"What? Can't have lunch with our captain?" Madison says with that bright smile that can light up any room.

"We just wanted to check up on you and everyone wanted to know if you'd be at practice today." Right. There's practice.

"Oh. Yeah, totally." I flash them a reassuring smile and they go on to talk about championships. As lunch progresses and they make no move to leave I try to stay as focused as I can but can't stop the memories from flowing in.

This was our table. The table we'd sit at every day and talk about boys while also discussing our futures. She'd always talk about how we would attend the same college and become roommates and then rent an apartment together in a different city after graduation.

It all just keeps leading me back to the question of why? I can feel my eyes start to blur with tears as I abruptly stand up. The twins look up at me, halting their conversation with concern filled in their eyes.

"I-I'm gonna go, I just remembered I have to go to the library and check out a book for my next class," I say while grabbing my stuff.

"Oh okay. I guess we'll see you at practice?"

"Definitely." I emerge from the cafeteria and make my way to the bathroom, my eyes locked on the ground so no one can see my tears.

Suddenly, I collide with a stiff body and everything looks blurry as I hit the ground.

"Watch where you're going." He says in an annoyed tone.

"Sorry." I rush out as I get up, not even bothering to look at the person as I sprint to the bathroom in my frantic state.

Making sure it's empty, I slide against the wall and do the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do today.

I cry.