Kiss of Death- Dave Mustaine Fanfiction

Walking After You

Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
Oh oh ooh
I'm on your back
I'm on your back
Oh oh ooh
I'm on your back If you'd accept surrender, I'll give up some more
Weren't you adored I cannot be without you, matter of fact
Oh oh ooh
I'm on your back If you walk out on me
I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me
I'm walking after you Another heart is cracked in two
I'm on your back - Foo Fighters

Is it bad to say that the first few months of parenthood were hell? If it is then damn me for it. We were still in our late twenties when we had Justis. I had great timing when getting pregnant since you were just finishing up tour and were about to go through the arduous process of making a new record. Don't get me wrong you were completely and utterly dedicated when you first saw your son being birthed, however, you and I both knew that a child was one of the last things on our mind. Despite, us tying the know that didn't really change anything for us. Sure, I had movie production and all of that, but after Natural Born Killers wrapped up I couldn't really star in anything for a while. It wasn't because my reputation was bad. It was because I had to be fully committed to Justis now. Some part of me, even to this day, can't really stomach the thought of being a house wife. This wasn't the fifties. I wasn't going to sit around, cook all day, and just say, 'yes dear', 'no dear', 'sorry dear'. That's just not how I wanted life to function for me. To me that was just as bad as being back home with mother. It felt like my life was being restricted again. 

It was different for you. While, I don't really like pulling the 'sexes are different' card it is true. You were a man. You could bounce back not only physically but mentally after having a child being born. It was also an added plus that you didn't have to carry the child for nine months. You were still just as crazy as you were before, and I applaud you for stopping your addictions with heroine and cocaine. However, around this time I believe you found your new demon, Alcohol. Alcohol was your new lady with golden eyes. She would knock you out and put you into a peace blinded stupor for hours. This isn't to say that you weren't punching in the hours with Justis. You were and I won't take that away from you, but it was blatantly clear for me. Whenever, I looked into your eyes I would see this mixture of happiness, boredom, and weariness. You were clearly growing tired of having to tend and be around the baby for a while. This clearly wasn't the life you were used to. And to be fair I wasn't either, but we all have to grow up, and it wouldn't happen to you until the early 2000s. 

You couldn't accept the fact that you were getting older, and Justis was living proof of that fact. How could it be? The immortal Dave Mustaine is walking around with a kid now. In the music scene; especially in the rock and metal scene, it was a clear unspoken rule that if you had a kid your crowd would go. Having responsibilities and a family to take care of just didn't really vibe that much with the whole badass aura and aesthetic that you have built for yourself on since the early 80s. 

Despite, all of this I couldn't and can't deny it now. It just didn't seem fair. How come I threw it all away just to satisfy you, while you could only grimace and barely muster up a grin while, I constantly tend to and care for our newborn. It wasn't fucking right. Was it because I was a woman and that was the role that was merely expected of me? To hell with that! I sacrifice it all yet, when you have to lock yourself in your room for 'work purposes'. I can't even ask you to come and see our son trying to crawl around on his stubby arms and legs. Your work caused you to miss a lot of important moments too. When it came to some milestones with our son like learning to walk or speak you witnessed it for the first time on a VHS tape, and not for your own eyes to witness. It made me feel quite sour when I was offered work too, and you just brushed it off and told me to just decline. Yet, when I, the mother of your child, plead with you to stay home and not stay on tour for 9 to almost 12 months I'm overreacting and being hysterical. I hated that double standard with you and I still do to this day, but who was I to complain? Being a mother was my choice, and I thought I had made it with you. 

To be honest I wasn't expecting a complete transformation on your end, but to some extent I was expecting more than this. I felt useless and worthless in your eyes. I felt like I was just your child bearer to you and that was it. I wasn't the love of your life, your wife, or even lover anymore. I was just the mother of your son. I guess once things started to cease being all that fun and spontaneous for you love just flew out the window. Many may argue that it's financial strife that causes marriages to fall apart, but I strongly disagree it is the lack of interest and impromptu and uncoordinated raw excitement that leads to crumbled marriages. I knew for certain I could witness it happening to our very own.

Today was the fourth year anniversary of our marriage. However, tonight I'm tangled up in my blankets and dreaming aloud without you around. I wish you knew how much you were adored. These were the times when I beat myself up more, and just sigh to myself saying, 'I'll give up some more'. My heart was cracked in two. As a matter of fact I cannot be without you, so if you walk out on me I'm walking after you.