Kiss of Death- Dave Mustaine Fanfiction

A Juxtaposition in Fate

A juxtaposition in fate
Find our mutual coordinates Moments of clarity are so rare
I better document this
Across the view is fears
All that matters is Who is open-chested
And who has coagulated
Who can share and
Who has shot down the chances? Show me emotional respect, oh respect, oh respect
And I have emotional needs, oh needs, oh ooh
I wish to synchronize our feelings, our feelings, oh ooh - Björk

On February 11th of 1992 I finally gave birth to our first child and only son, Justis. I remember lying there in bed at night. My blood felt like it was running cold, sweat began to accumulate on my brow, as my skin tone became a very dreadful pale sickly white tone. At that moment I remember you dropping everything to just stick by me and take care of me during this time. I felt as though I was dying. My insides felt like they were tied up in knots, as our child kept kicking at my lower stomach and up into my uterus. It was around 4 AM in the morning. You were currently asleep, but no matter how hard I tried to ease and calm myself before we went to the hospital I couldn't sleep.

I whimpered out in pain and began to unnaturally contort my body as I felt my water break and begin to run down my legs. I tried to shift my weight onto my side and force you awake. You opened your eyes in drowsiness with sleep still in your eyes as I started to shake your shoulders. You quirked your eyebrows in confusion as your vision began to adjust the darkness that surrounded us. You asked me what was wrong, but the pain was so immense that I couldn't speak or even utter out a syllable. However, somehow,  I managed to muster up enough strength to grab your hand and force it in between my thighs to show you that my water had indeed just broke. Your eyes widened in shock as you picked me up and begin to swaddle me in our bedsheets. You carried me out to this old mustang from the 70s that you fixed up. And drove me to the hospital while driving through every red light possible at 70 miles per hour since we didn't necessarily live all that close to the hospital or any clinic. I felt another contraction as the humid California night air made my feeling of ailment even more evident and made me feel like even more of a sickly dog just waiting to be put down.

As we arrived to the hospital you rushed me into the ER as we were then swarmed by nurses who would tend to me as they prepared me to give birth. Apparently during the process I had to have tons of ibuprofen and morphine put into my system as they began to dilate me since my opening was too small and it could've ripped my uterus in half and killed me in the process. Plus, it was already too little too late to have a C-Section, so I had to go into labor. Finally, after several hours of arduous pain Justis was finally born. I lost a lot of blood, however, according to the doctors it wasn't enough to kill me or leave me completely maimed or bruised because of the medicine they put me on prior to this.

As you held our son I could finally notice how happy and at ease you were in those very moments. You never looked so proud or so accomplished ever before as you did in those very minutes. You never looked this encaustic in your life; not when you first got in a band, not when you made your own band, not when you made it big, not when you were high, not even when we got married. This took the cake for you. His tiny hand barely clamped down around your index finger as he began to softly coo and giggle in spite of himself. It was as if despite being an infant he knew how special and how attention grabbing he was. 

Your eyes began soften as you start to sniffle and slightly weep as you swaddle our sleeping babe  in your arms.  The only time you ever cried was when you found out Cliff died, and even then your emotions were stifled at best. But now that had all changed. Life was going so fast now. We didn't have something to prove anymore. We weren't angry anymore. However, most importantly we weren't sad or alone anymore. Sure we were almost always around each other; physically, but mentally we were as isolated and detached from each other as a severed head from it's body. Over the years this was the norm for us. This was just what it was. You didn't question it and neither did I. The thought of what more there could be for our (at the time) dwindling relationship never came up. It was just there. It was the elephant in the room. It just lingered in the air and neither one of us dared questioned it. This was a change of pace for us. Justis would be the rebirthing into hopefully a calmer and much more serene and eased atmosphere that we desperately needed.

I was ready to be fully committed to you. I was willing to give it all up for you. I was willing to let it all go for you. I knew you couldn't do the same. I couldn't expect you to do such a thing. I would be drastically unrealistic to think that. I knew and accepted the fact you were a musician. Work would always interfere in our private life one way or another. However, I thought and hoped that this would lead to more dedication one your side. I didn't just want to be chopped liver. I just wanted you to be mine, and to fully own you and occupy your heart as you have for me. Moments of clarity are so rare, especially around you. I wish to synchronize our feelings. I wanted to feel your everything. I desperately wanted to feel your pain, your happiness, and your sorrow. However, as the years would go on; especially for the rest of the nineties and part of the early 2000s that is was just us temporarily finding our mutual coordinates. This was a juxtaposition in fate.