Star Wars: Episode IX - The New Order

Heartbroken

Kylo's P.O.V.

"Rey..." I say wanting to tell her what
I really feel, but she gets to the best of me.

"No! You don't get to speak! After everything you've done, you have the guts to connect us? Why? To rub it in my face? Well, I'll save you the trouble. Finn, Poe and Rose are still very much alive and so are many others."

She misunderstood me. "I never connected us. Rey..."

"No, I'm not done."

I sigh in annoyance. "-Rey!" I say raising my voice. I need to say this because I might not get the chance ever again. "I didn't want to do that."

"But you did."

I look at the ground. "I know. I regret it. I regret everything."

"Of course you do now. I've left you." When she said that, it hurt like she ignited her lightsaber and stabbed me a million times. I look up and she looks closer into my eyes. She seems to become less angry and more sorrowful, but she shakes her head and looks away from me. "No, I will not be tricked again."

"Tricked? Rey, everything that happened between us was real." 

"Was it?" She looks back at me.

"Yes, I never would have offered you the galaxy, I never would have offered for us to run away and I would have never kissed someone I don't lov- care about. Rey, it isn't too late." I almost say love but I bite my tongue, not wanting to make things worse, because I know she does not feel the same way.

"I can't. Not like this..."

"I thought that's what you wanted, to be important. Powerful." She gets up from the side of the bed and walks closer to me. "Don't you get it? I never wanted power! I wanted you...  Just you."

I get up from my bed and stand in front of her. I realize as I look at her, there's no hope as she said that because it's too late. She wanted me, but not now after everything I've done. I sigh deeply realizing this. "Well, it's too late now... isn't it?"

I see tears developing in her eyes. "For us, it is."

My hand reaches out and I touch her cheek lightly. Tears stream down her face and I move my thumb below her eye to wipe them away. "I'm sorry, Rey." I whisper to her. Then I feel myself starting to fade away and so does she. I look at the room around me with my hand still in the air from where her face was. I slowly bring my hand back to my side. I sigh and sit back on the edge of my bed.

I wish I could travel back in time. To the time where all of this began. I should have never went to the Jedi academy. I should have left with my dad. He would never let me go with him, but I should have snuck on the Millennium. I probably wouldn't have become Kylo Ren, or met Rey. But maybe that's for the best. 

All of the sudden, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look next to me and I feel tears start to develop in my eyes. "Dad."

"Son."

I know I'm probably just imagining this because he doesn't have the force, so he can't be a force ghost.

"What I did... I'm so sorry... You were right about everything."

"I know." He puts his arm around me and I give him a full hug.

"I'm just glad you killed him, before he killed you. And the girl, Rey... She helped you."

"She did." I sit there in silence. "I messed up."

"Wouldn't be the first time."

I choose to ignore that statement and sigh. "I don't know what to do."

"I think you do. You just don't have the strength to do it." He fades away and I'm left with a dark, lonely room once again. I was imagining that. I know the force wanted me to see him. He's a reminder of what I was... am... and that I need to change for him and for Rey. If only I saw him this time yesterday, everything would be different. I would have done things differently, a lot differently. I was so close, now I'm so far away. I'm heartbroken.

I know what I have to do. I need to leave the First Order and go to her. But am I strong enough? I have no idea. I want to. But she said it's too late, so I can't just go to her. Does that even matter? Should I just go? What if her friends try to kill me? Will she stop them? I wouldn't after what I've done. I look at my lightsaber that I put next to me on the bed. Then I look at the nightstand on the other side of my bed. I look at the diamond she gave me in a sign of trust.

I get up and walk over to it. I pick it up and wrap my fingers around it. I close my eyes. I imagine her grabbing the other one at the same time as I. I open my eyes and I see her, right in front of me. It's not her. Not really. It's just a silhouette of her. I know when I'm looking at the real Rey. She stares at me. "I need you, Ben. More than you know." She says but then fades away before I can say anything. Now I've definitely gone crazy. My fingers unwrap around the diamond. I stare at it in my palm. That settles it. I'm going after her. I go over to my lightsaber and take the synthetic Kyber crystal out and put the diamond in. I need to be connected with her in a way we're not, but once were. I put my lightsaber back together and get up from my bed and take a deep breath. "Rey, here I come." I say and I leave my room for the last time.