Where do we go from here.

It wasnt supposed to be like this

It's been 18 months since I walked down the isle to the man of my dreams but what those dreams turned into was a nightmare. Sure the first 6 months were all I ever imagined and more but then something changed he changed. He was no longer the Joey I loved more than anything, the Joey who has been my everything for the last almost 10 years. Once the guys decided that the break they were taking would be permanent and his solo stuff taking off locally he had changed, no longer the loving attentive man who would do anything for me, he was gone replaced by a shallow self absorbed "pop star" who only seemed to care about himself and when the next party was or what his next drink will be.

Even with everything going on between Joe and I, I still managed to continue with school and will be graduating next semester. Victoria And JJ are now three and a half and if it wasn't for them god knows I probably would have lost it. They don't really know anything is different with Joey because they are used to him always traveling and working. I do my damnest to make sure that they are not effected. They are now in preschool well I'm in school and Joe's is doing, well hell if I know what he is doing. Even though it's as strained as it is don't get me wrong I still love his as much as I always did it's just now I question his feelings.

It was Sunday night and Harley was hanging out watching a movie and the twins upstairs in bed sleeping for school and Joe was at another show in some sleezy club in Worcester. It was 3 in the morning when I hear a car door slam and the flood lights go on outside, Diablo rushing to the door barking and snarling. "What the fuck" I jump up and run to the window "damn it, Diablo crate" Diablo goes and lays down, Lee what is it?""Fucking Joe."
I flung the door open and walked outside to see Joe laying on lawn passed out drunk. "FUCK HARLEY!" Harley comes running out "shit""yea I know help me get him in the house". We pick him up and bring him up to the bedroom, "Jesus Christ, did he seriously just drive home this way""looks like it""I'm so sick of this shit Harley""I know you are but don't make any rash decisions well your mad,I'm gonna head out if you don't need me""I'll be fine,thanks""Ok call me tomorrow""I will" I leaned in and kisses him on the cheek and he headed out. "Damn it Joey!" The anger just kept building til I had a knot in my throat, I take his boots off and get him stripped somehow and get him up on the pillow. I run down and grab a bottle of water and Advil and put it on the nightstand next to the bed. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the water in the tub and stripped down. I slide into the tub and just let go, the tears stinging my eyes"Why is this happening, what did I do? What didn't I do?" I sat in that tub for over a hour and just unraveled. I got out dressing into Joe's tee shirt and slide into the bed next to him, never in the almost 10 years we been together have I felt such a distance between us even when he was on tour the distance didn't feel like this. I laid there and cried til I ended up crying myself to sleep. I wasn't asleep long before I was woken up to the sound of Joe coughing "shit" I knew that sound I jumped out of the bed and rushed around to his side and grabbed the garbage pail just in time for him to sit up and start throwing up, I rub his back and he continues to vomit "it's ok baby, let it out" no matter how much he is hurting me he owned a piece of my heart and it just hurts to see him like this. Once he got it all out he let out a little moan and fell back against his pillow. I got up grabbing a wash cloth and cleaned up the vomit on his face then cleaned up the mess " fucking fabulous so this is my life cleaning up the vomit from my pissy drunk pop star husband it be different if this was a one time thing but it's not lately he is drunk more than sober".

Joey's erratic behavior continued, it came to ahead when I got a phone call from Mass General he had a accident and wrecked the car. I dropped the kids to Alma and rushed to the hospital, imaging the worse. Tears in my eyes as I swing the Rover into the parking lot and run in,I run up to the emergency room check in desk " Joesph McIntyre""and you are""he is my husband" she checked my ID issued me a pass and directed me to a room down the hall. I reached the room and took a deep breath before I walked in not knowing what I'd see once I walked in. When I walked I found Joey laying in the hospital bed a large bandage on his forehead to cover over the stitches and his wrist wrapped from the fracture to his wrist. I turn and close the door and rush next to him, he opens his eyes "Sweetbaby""Joey""I'm sorry sweetbaby""Joey are you alright""I will be""Baby this has to stop" tears start to fall from my eyes. "I know""the drinking has to stop, what if this was worse what if you didn't make it, how the hell am I supposed to be without Joey! Damn it we have kids and your out here acting like this, this isn't you!""I don't know what to say I'm sorry, I'm not trying to hurt you""but you are, if your not happy say something because I can't keep doing this""Sweetbaby I am happy with you and I do love you...I'm sorry". Just then the emergency room doctor came in "Mr McIntyre""yes"" well Mr McIntyre you are extremely lucky individual, all your tests have came back clear, I will be discharging you but for the next week you will not be able to preform and no drinking alcohol they will interact with the medication I will be prescribing you, do you understand?""yes sir""alright the nurse will be in shortly with you discharge instructions and paperwork". A little while later the nurse came in and took out his IV and discharged him. I got him into the car and headed home, I dialed Alma to check in on the kids and let her know I was on the way "Hi Alma""Hey sweetheart what's going on how is Joe""he is ok could've been a hell of a lot worse,the Jag is totaled but he is ok and been discharged""oh sweetie that's great""ok I just left Mass General we should be there to pick the kids up in like 15 minutes""why don't you let them stay overnight they are upstairs asleep in Marks room, go home get Joe settled in and just come get them tommorow""I think it is a good time for you and Joe to have a heart to heart don't you""I suppose your right""ok settled see you tommorow""ok thanks mama Alma""anytime love ya bye""bye". I hung up, "what was that about sweetbaby""Just Alma is keeping the kids overnight so I can get you home into bed""now we are talking" I look over to see Joe wink at me. "Not what I meant or what Alma meant""So that's a no""that's a hard no you just wrecked the damn Jag because you were lit and driving what do you think"" come on sweetbaby""Joe""Joe, you never call me Joe unless you are pissed""well Joe do you think I'm happy about this""obviously your not""put yourself in my place I get woken up from the hospital calling saying you were in a car wreck and I needed to get there immediately""I'm sorry ok""no it's not ok,none of this is ok, do you have any idea what it's like to have to pick up and load up our sleeping kids I the car and call and wake up Alma and rush them there to drop them off not knowing if when I pick them up that will be the time I have to tell them that their daddy was gone, do you have any idea what that feels like , fucking do you Joe? Cause let me tell you I'm dead inside because of this and I can't keep doing it!" At that point I have to pull over to the side of the road, I'm crying to hard and I can't drive. Tears are pouring out now months of trying to be strong all coming to the surface. He unbuckled his seatbelt and lean over wrapping his arms around me "I'm sorry sweetbaby I really am!" I feel the warmth of his arms and his tears on me and I so desperately want to say it's ok and go on our merry way,but it's not. "Joey we need to figure this out because we can't keep doing this""I'll get it under control I promise"" I lifted my head to look him in the eyes "promise"" I promise sweetbaby I love you""I love you too Joey" I kissed his lips, this is the first time in weeks I have kissed his lips and I forgot how much one kiss from him can totally overwhelm me. A second later we got back on the road and headed home in my heart I wanted to believe everything he just said but in my mind I knew it wasn't going to be that easy.