Where do we go from here.

How am I supposed to do this without you

About a hour later my room was filled with people so much so that the hospital actually had to make everyone come in shifts they were only allowed 10 minutes it was insane. When night finally came as I sat in the bed feeding our son I look over at Joey who is in the rocker rocking slightly with Victoria I hear him ever so quietly sing

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero, your strength, anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time, promise you
For you I will

To her as he feeds her. His eyes even though as tired as he was sparkling in a way I haven't seen them do.
Joey spent everything minute in the hospital, sleeping in the chair only eating or changing when someone ran-him up something. He helped with every feeding and every diaper change. Three days later Vicky,JJ and I were released from the hospital.
We pulled up to the house to find two wooden storks on the lawn with the babies info on it that Kay had ordered. As soon as we closed the car doors out Ran Danny and Jon out the door " welcome home"" thanks" as they both hug me and Joe, " here let me grab that car seat from you""thanks Danny" he smiles as he picks up Victoria in her car seat and carries her and as Jon grabs my bag. We walk in to find everyone was there to welcome us home. Betty,Marlene, Alma and Kay all made food for everyone. Harley and Jon put together the bassinets. Danny literally did everything in the house that we needed done he mowed the lawn, fixed the leak in the bathroom and even steamed the carpets. Donnie and Rae even made the trip with Izzy to welcome us home. I can't tell you what it meant to both of us. After hugs and all our babies were hijacked by everyone wanting to see and hold them,normally I would object but no not with them these people literally mean the world to me, babies didn't seem to mind. Everyone held one if not both of the babies everyone except Jordan. I walked over to Jordan who was sitting quietly off the side which is kinda weird for him because he is normally a world wind, I sat next to him " hey uncle J why you so quite""Just thinking""you ok""yeah I'm fine, by the way you sure make some beautiful babies Lee"" thanks Jordan,but seriously why haven't you came over and seen them, they want Uncle Jordan to hold them!""I can't""why can't you?""I mean I can't I never held a baby""really, come here!" I grabbed his hand and brought him over into the livingroom," ok give me you hands" he holds out his hands,"which baby do you want?""either one I love them both already!" He sits and I place Victoria in his arms and his smile grows. Just then Victoria wakes up and Just looks up and Jordan with her blue eyes and grabs his finger and a tear dropped his eye, it Was beautiful. "So J what you think""she is the most beautiful thing in the world, I'm glad you say that because we want you to be one of her godfathers."He looks up as to be waiting for me to say I was joking, " are you sure you guys want me?""absolutely!""Well yes of course!""awesome" I lean over and kiss his cheek, " are you good with her or do you want me to take her back""no...no I....I want to hold her do you mind?""of course not, I'm going to be right over there with Raeanne and Izzy""ok me and Victoria will be find, right Vick, tell momma your cool with Uncle J" as if she understood what she said she let out a little squeak. "See she told you!" I let a little giggle and walked over to Rae, "Raeanne" "hey momma, how you feeling?""sore like I just had a Mac truck rip out my vagina, but happy,relieved and totally head over heals in love. As weird as it sounds I think I'm even more in love with Joey after this if that's even possible""I never would expect any less from you two. Lee they are so gorgeous I can't believe our babies are exactly a month and a day apart""I know it's crazy right""it is" just then Izzy wakes up and starts to fuss and Rae goes to pick her up " can I?""of course Auntie Leesa" I pick her up out of her seat and bounce her and she fall back to sleep. "Thanks"" no problem,I've missed you girl""I've missed you too". Just then Betty tells everyone it was time to eat. Everyone sat and enjoyed the meal that the moms made. Shortly after everyone started to head out to give Joey and I a chance to settle in. Kay turned in a little bit later leaving Joey and I alone with the babies. I instinctively went to let the puppies out for the night not remembering for a minute Danny had taken them to his house til we got settled in. I walk upstairs to find Joey laying with JJ on his chest watching the Sox's game on TV, "Hey there Daddy""Hey Mommy""everything ok?""Yeah he is asleep""I see that, maybe we should go to sleep to""I know we should but I like holding him""I know but we need some sleep so we can take care of them" I pick up JJ and lay him with his sister in the bassinet, they sleep better when they are next To eachother. We fell asleep about 15 minutes later, that didn't last long the babies woke up 3 hours later for a feed and change and since they both seem to eat at the same time as eachother that meant both of us had to wake up. The twins woke up about 3 times that night leaving us both pretty much exhausted, lucky for us comes our god sents Ma and Alma took over in the morning so that we could sleep some.
Over the next couple days we started to adjust to everything and I was lucky that management had worked it that Joey didn't have to do any media telling them that he was home sick. It was that Monday the day that changed my life forever, Monday July 9th, I was upstairs dressing JJ after his bath when the doorbell rang and Joey answered it. A few seconds later I hear him yell up the stairs for me to come down, when I come down Ma told me to hand her JJ and that I was needed at the door, I come around the corner to see a Boston police officer standing at the door and I walk up "Hi officer can I help you?""are you Leesa Renee Engert?""Yes""Miss Is Mr Steven Engert your father?""Yes, what's this all about?""Miss I am sorry to inform you that today at 8:32am there was a accident on 441 and 250 and your father was involved in that accident""oh my god, where is he is he ok?" At this point I am screaming and Joey walks up, the officer removes his hat and looks down and back to me,"I'm sorry Miss Engert the accident was a fatal one, your father didn't make it!" I screamed dropped to my knees as Joey grabbed me and it all goes black. I don't remember how I even made it over to couch I really don't, the next thing I remember is chaos and everybody at my house. I hear the babies crying and Kay and Harley trying to feed them, well Joey is frantically on the phone and I'm crying on Jonathan's arm, it feels like a out of body experience I see everything happening but yet I can't move,can't speak, and can't think. A short time later I feel myself being carried upstairs and being laid in the bed and I feel the bed next to me dip down and Joey's body next to me. I roll over and lay my head on his chest and just let go, he sits and rubs me back I hear him softly in my ear