Where do we go from here.

Grief makes you do all kinds of things

I spent the next week in the hospital and I was trying to heal my body but nothing and I mean nothing could ever heal my heart. I was released from hospital into Kays care. I got back to the house I walked up to the bedroom and that's where I stood. I didn't want to speak to nobody I didn't want to see anybody even Joey. I stood in that room for days, soon the boys had to leave to go on a overseas tour, 12 weeks he is leaving after just loosing our daughter he is leaving for 12 fucking weeks to go half way across the world. I know it's his job but he is leaving me when I needed him even though at that point I refused to admit I needed him. Maurice came that next morning to pick him up and fly out to start the European leg of the tour. I just sat in that room on that bed watching him pack to leave, leave me after the most devastating event of my life, to go live another life performing for a crowd a people like nothing ever happened. I watched him put the tiny lil blanket that the hospital gave us of Brooklyns into his bag and A tear dropped my eye. " well Maurice is downstairs it looks like I need to go Babe""then go"" Babe please, I'm going to be gone for 3 months don't do this""do what""this being cold like you don't care""cold what's cold is you leaving for 3 months to shake your ass for crowds of girls after we just lost our daughter that's cold!""no do you fucking think I really want to leave now, is that what your really think?""doesn't matter what I think or want you are going to go anyways!""no stop that's not fair what the fuck you think this doesn't matter to me that I'm not just as devastated as you are that what you think, let me tell you something there isn't a minute that goes bye that she isn't in my head or the fact of having to see you laying in that bed not knowing if you were ever going to come back to me don't begin to tell me shit about it. I have to go, i don't want to trust that!" At the moment there was a knock on the door and we both yell "WHAT" Donnie pops in " ummm don't know what's going on up here with all the screaming but Joe we gotta go" Donnie walks over and kisses my cheek "take care Shorty"" bye" and he walked out. " Well looks like it's time, I gotta go""then go""baby, You going to be ok?""I always am""I love you I'll call you when I land."" "Whatever love you too" and with a kiss he walked out the room down to say goodbye to his mom "you ok Joesph?""not really we just got into a argument she is so mad at me for leaving ""she will be ok Joesph she is grieving everyone does that differently""I know mama I just don't want to leave her , I feel like she hates me for going""she doesn't hate you she is trying to come to terms and process everything she will be ok give her time, we will look after her""I
know mama thank you, well everyone is waiting I better go" so he kisses him mom and off he went.
Ive always been the type to have built up walls to protect myself but when I met Joey he knocked all my walls down as if they never existed and now when I need him the most he left. Now I know it couldn't have been easy on him but at that point in time it really didn't accure to me. I stayed at the McIntyres for a couple more weeks and went back to my dads house. I went back to school but something changed I changed at this point sweet Leesa was gone, I started hanging with the thugs and gangbangers. My choice in friends wasn't the only thing that changed my appearance did to I went from girl next door to stripperella overnight. I bleached out my hair, my makeup changed most of all my attitude changed. I didn't give a fuck anymore. I came and go as I pleased when my father tried to ground me it didn't matter I go out my window. Everyone tried to get thru to me Kay included I just shut them all out but still they tried. I don't think I honestly wanted to be this little bad ass gangbanger I was just hurt, emotionally scarred.
Three months passed and I knew Joey and the boys would be home soon finally off tour. I missed Joey so much but I couldn't do it, he was a painful memory I rather run with thugs with criminal records then to be with the only man who ever loved me more than anything. Raeanne was even a forethought Everyone just a sad reminder of loosing my Brooklyn. It was Friday night when Kelly had the idea to hit the tattoo shop. When we got there I got Brooks foot prints tatted on my wrist and well I was waiting for Kelly to finish her playboy bunny tatt who should walk in but Mark " Lee""Mark""what you doing in here?""fuck You think I'm doing in here?""I think you fucking up because Joey ain't around!" Just then My boy Fresh stood up and stepped up " yo my dude there a problem!""I got this Fresh"" Now if Joey had any concern he wouldn't have left""Lee you know it ain't like dat""whatever well I got to go Marky I'll see around" we left and jumped into Fresh's drop top and sped out. We was just about to pull up to the spot when Kelly said" yo you ok""yea fine""no you ain't thinking about what that kid said""what Mark""Yea""nah" I had no idea that after we left Mark called Donnie who was on a plane on the way home with the rest of the boys to tell him about our little run in. " dude Donnie she is straight tripping, I ran into her at the Palace and when I tried to talk with her this dude Fresh stepped and try to get in the middle, this dude is trouble he just got out 6 months ago on a 5 year assault bid.""what the fuck she is doing with them?""you have no Idea she been straight tripping since y'all left.""I gotta tell Joey"" that's another thing Fresh isn't the only one she is hanging with the whole crew is bad, they are running the whole area!""what you mean running the whole area""they own the block she is in with them dealers, dem door Boys !""oh shit I gotta tell Joey""I don't think this is something he is going to be able to handle on his own, these guys are dangerous to say the least."" Well I'm going to talk to the guys our flight will be in in about a hour and we are going to have to handle this""Donnie she is in trouble don't think she even realizes it""" ok we're on the way watch her""I can't I can't get near where she at or I'm gonna get it""fuck ok we're on the way" and they hung up and Mark picked up acouple of his Boys and drove over to the spot were I was chilling and watched the house til he got word from Donnie. It was about midnight when my phone was going off non stop " who the fuck keep blowing your shit up?" I look at my phone to see a bunch of missed calls from Donnie and Joey I shoved the phone back into my pocket and ignored it " nothing no one". At the time Joey climbed into my window like old times in the hopes I would come home, Donnie And Danny pulled up to the spot were Mark was but bye that point I had slipped passed them. We hit up Magik city club that night we're I ended up fighting Danilyn someone who at one point was a close friend but it didn't matter at that point, I beat the shit out of her like curb stomped, dog walked her ass well the crew just cheered me on. All of a sudden sirens and I did the only think I could think off and ran. I snuck back into my window about 4oclock in the morning to find Joey asleep in my bed and it was as if my heart just started to melt. He woke as I go to cover him up "Lee""Joe""Babe what happened to you""got into a fight ""no everything ""what are you talking about Joe""your hair your attitude, and since when do you get into fights"" since I want to""oh you like fighting now huh, you think you a bad ass huh, this ain't you""how the fuck you seem to think you know me you abandoned me when I needed you" by then all that hurt started to boil over once again. " that's not fair you know I had to go""whatever "" oh this is how it's gonna be now fighting, running with gangbangers Because your mad with me""I learned to live without you when you left after we Lost our daughter so excuse me but fuck you""fuck me""yea fuck you" as I reach up to slap Joe he grabs my wrist and spins me around to look at myself in the mirror "look at yourself Leesa this isn't you,you know this I know this""you don't know me like that anymore""bullshit I seen it in your eyes the minute you looked at me you're still in there, you still love me. That same girl that I fell in love with is still in there, the same girl who would make me watch love movies and lay on my chest so you can listen to my heartbeat, same girl that when we went to the animal shelter tried to adopt all the animals because it broke your heart to see them in cages. Same girl that I lost my virginity that night at the Hotel Commonwealth with the candle light, I gave everything I am to you that night and I know your still in there I refuse to believe she is gone that you don't love me because I can see it!" Joey spun me around and kissed me as if he never would see me again and I felt my knees go weak. He pulled back and looked me in the eyes and said " now tell me you don't feel that that you don't love me still!" "Joey""Lee"" I do love you I always have" Joey leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my lips " Lee I missed you""I missed you Joey I really did." His hand tangles in my hair as he deepened the kiss, I can feel my shirt being lifted over my head as I work on getting his sweatshirt off he whispers " do you want to do this?""yes." I quickly go to work on the button of his jeans, he had no trouble when it came to my skirt he ripped it off my body. He picked me up and we slammed against the wall as we tried to make it to the bed. I missed his kiss, I missed his body I just missed him. We got to the bed and I push him down on the bed and start to crawl up His body "shit baby"" you like this" he starts to growl as I rub up on him, my hands find their way to what's waiting for me in his boxers.I feel his hips buck up. I start to kiss my way down his chest as his hands try to grab me" not today Babe I think I'm gonna play" and I push his hands over his head, then continue kissing down his chest til I reach his waiting erection. "Shit Lee" as I kiss and lick his inner thighs I can feel his hips start to buck again. As I put my mouth on his waiting erection and start to move I can feel him start to moan and buck his hips, his body starts to shake I crawl my way up and climb on Well I rock my hips I can tell he is about to blow any minute. Just then he grabs the sheets and lets go. " holy fuckkkk baby" is all he can say out of breath and laying there. I crawled off and snuggled next to him, I feel him place A kiss on my head " shit Lee!" We feel asleep a short time later just like before wrapped in each others arms and that was all that mattered the world in that moment didn't exist it was just Joey and I.