HARM /noun/ : physical or mental damage or injury : something that causes someone or something to be hurt, broken, made less valuable or successful, etc.
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I PLACED MY HAND swiftly against the nape of my neck. I bit my lips nervously, pulling on the thin wire connecting to my spinal cord. After a few tugs, the engraved metal chip had stopped glitching.
It had always been there, ever since I could remember. I never knew its purpose, nor did I ever bother to ask.
"I need to have more mental control," I muttered to myself.
I was in my room, sitting near the bay window, doing what I could to straighten my thoughts.
Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy as it should've been.
When I was being overwhelmed by my emotions, I usually sat here. I'd take in the silence and clear my head, tell myself to straighten up. I would use a fabrication to ease my mind, convince myself that everything was flawless—is flawless.
However, this time, none of it worked. It was as if I already knew that everything wasn't perfect. I felt like I was doing nothing but denying the truth.
Even when I was in the one place I had felt peaceful, I couldn't help but let my eyes wonder towards the window. I stared blankly at the dull grey sky, unmoving.
My preliminary exams were next week, yet no matter how many times I've tried to focus, I couldn't concentrate on studying. All because of her.
I didn't know what I was supposed to feel. Betrayed? Angry?
I pulled my hair in frustration. What had been going through her mind? What motive did she have to betray us like that? To betray the institution? To betray me?
I had asked myself various questions. Ones I couldn't answer.
I felt the nape of my neck sparking up, I ignored it.
Why was she willing to throw away 17 years of her life for this? Was it worth all even worth it to her? Was the answer to her curiosity worth it?
I froze, There was a glitch.
I immediately stopped panicking. I knew that just sitting here wouldn't get me anywhere.
I grabbed my laptop from the table, but before I could press anything, my hands abruptly stopped. For fear of what I'd find out.
Before I could bail out, I searched up "Self-Harm". As soon as the engine loaded, I scanned the page. My eyes widened when I read the text below the logo, 183 million results in 0.25 seconds. I knew this didn't mean anything good.
The common words that showed up were, 'Anxiety Disorder' and 'Depression'. Unable to understand, I clicked on the first link, waiting for it to load.
The page went white, displaying a short message.
Access Restricted
I sighed in exasperation. Of course.
I went into files, hoping to find something.
"Self-harm itself is not a mental illness, but a behavior that indicates a lack of coping skills. Several illnesses are associated with it, including borderline personality disorder, depression, eating disorders, anxiety or posttraumatic distress disorder."
That was all I could find useful yet, I didn't know what half the words meant. I copied the paragraph to my notes, then I opened up my dictionary.
de·pres·sion \di-ˈpre-shən, dē-\ noun : a state of feeling sad. : a serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way.
I reread the meaning five times over, making sure I had read it correctly I knew this couldn't have been the case. What was there to be hopeless about? The fact that we might not pass the preliminary exams? The amount of failing marks we'd get after trial year?
Or that we might never reach full perfection?
I shook my head while closing my laptop in defeat. Accepting the fact that I may never find answers that easily.
I looked out the window, staring at nothing in particular. I rest my head against the glass and sighed, remembering every single detail of that moment.
~ 🥀 ~
Saturday lessons had finished, the lecture rooms and Activity centers were empty, everybody had ran to go to their comfort places where they would distract themselves from time by sinking into their text books and study for next week's exams. I was going to do the same.
I walked down the hallways that led up to my room. Every sharp turn I made, every stairway I climbed, everything looked all too familiar to me. The fact that I'd seen these passages everyday for the whole span of my life was the reason.
I pulled my attention to my text book, I hugged it tightly against my chest. I needed to concentrate for the preliminary exams we would take next week. I had prepared my whole life for this, doing everything I could to exceed everybody's expectations, to, in time exceed perfection.
I sighed, and opened the door to my room, putting all my stuff on the table. I looked around, expecting that my roommate, Jupiter, had arrived, but to my dismay, she hadn't. I shrugged it off thinking she'd be in the library
Fifteen minutes had passed since I'd been studying in the bay window when I heard a faint whimper. My head shot up, I put my textbook down and looked around.
After a few minutes, I heard another snuffle from the bathroom door. I approached it and softly knocked on the door. "Jupiter, are you in there?" I said, gently turning the doorknob.
I gasped at the sight.
There she was, Jupiter, sitting on the bathroom floor. Her body, crouched over droplets of blood that were on the tiles. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably. She looked up at me with tears filling up her eyes.
It took me a minute to digest what was happening. Unable to move or say anything. The pit of my stomach clenched, my eyes darted to her arms, a crimson liquid dropping down slowly.
She was slitting her wrists.
~ 🥀 ~
I remembered the look of betrayal she gave me when she was being dragged away by the staff that I had called.
A tear had escaped my eye, I quickly flicked my hand to wipe it away, remembering the rules of a Porcelain girl, never to show weakness, in any way, in any form.
I shook my head quickly telling myself to think straight. I will not be distracted, nor will I fall right now, when my trial year is so close. I did not want to disappoint the people who took their time and effort to make me who I am. To hide my flaws and come out strong.
17 years of my life will not be ruined by a single teardrop. I will not show my flaws, not now, not ever.
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Credits to: https://www.nami.org/ and The Merian Webster Dictionary
