Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

62 Guilt

"Have you seen Natasha?" Steve asked finally. He had seen Natasha. She wasn't okay just like he wasn't okay just like Bucky wasn't okay. Like none of them were even remotely okay anymore.

"No," Bucky replied. There was some shuffling behind the phone and Steve wondered what Bucky was doing.

"I'm so sorry," Steve said quietly.

"Yeah," Bucky said bitterly. "You should be." Steve didn't know what else to say. Asking for forgiveness was beyond ridiculous.

"Are you okay?" Steve decided to say. Bucky took a long time to respond.

"I don't know," he finally said. "I... I'm trying to... I just can't believe... I trusted-" Bucky stopped and Steve waited patiently for him to pull his thoughts together, bracing himself for the worst. "You lied to me," he finally said, and Steve understood everything he was trying to say.

"I know," Steve said.

"Look, let's talk about this later," Bucky said. "I don't want to... Let's just... Later, okay?"

"Okay," Steve replied.

"I'll be over soon, I guess," Bucky said.

"Okay," Steve said again and then, finally, Bucky hung up.

He arrived at Steve's apartment in a jacket with the sleeve taken off and a pair of sweatpants. He had bathed, clearly, and shaved, which Steve thought was a good sign. He looked better, at least, than the last time Steve had found him by his apartment. He didn't look much happier, however. Bucky brushed past Steve once the door was open and stood in the hallway. Steve didn't bother saying hello.

"Tony's not here yet?" Bucky asked.

"No," Steve said. Bucky nodded.

"Guess we'll just wait then," he said.

"Do you want to sit down?" Steve asked.

"No," Bucky said and leaned his right shoulder against the wall. There was a long silence and they stood that way for at least ten minutes. Steve had so much he wanted to say and he almost said it, but the way Bucky had asked him to talk about it later stopped him again and again. Bucky didn't seem to have the same problem. He stared at the wall in front of him blankly, blinking slowly. He got that way sometimes, when no one was actively engaging him, and Steve shuddered to imagine what he could be thinking about or reliving.

Finally, after such a long silence that Steve's ears were ringing, there came another knock on the door. Steve opened the door to find a familiar-looking red and gold Ironman suit and stared at him, confused. Tony swung out his arms and the metal over his face rose to reveal his self-satisfied grin.

"Tada!" Tony said.

"You rebuilt it?" Steve asked.

"Rebuilt what?" Bucky asked behind him.

"Well," Tony said, dropping his arms and the look on his face was difficult to read. "I thought maybe it shouldn't be about me. Maybe people need Ironman." Steve was a little taken aback by this. His relationship with Tony was complicated, but Steve was a little impressed by this.

"That's really nice, Tony," Steve said. That was honorable. Steve felt a surge of pride in him.

"What can I say, I'm a nice guy," Tony replied. Steve just laughed, and then Bucky came up behind him and gasped.

"What is that?!" He cried.

"Bucky, hi!" Tony said. "This is my new suit, what do you think?" Bucky was speechless. Steve looked over his shoulder at him and his eyes were wide. "Well are you going to invite me in or am I just going to stand in the hallway, cause-"

"No, no, come in," Steve said, and he and Bucky awkwardly shifted away from the door, pulling it open wider, and Tony with his shiny new metal suit joined them inside. Bucky was staring.

"You...," he said. "What, you made that?"

"Yeah," Tony said, like it was obvious. "I'm Ironman."

"Oh," Bucky said, as though he was trying to accept this. But Steve could see cogs turning in his head as he stared. Steve realized he was probably thinking about his arm. If this was the kind of stuff Tony made, what would a bionic prosthetic from him look like?

"I didn't really want to wear this," Tony said and there was clicking and shifting and suddenly, he was stepping out of his suit, the entire thing opening up for him to simply stroll out of. "But it's new and I used it to fly here and I also sort of wanted to show it off, you know? It can just stand here, right?" Tony didn't wait for Steve to say yes, he simply turned around and ordered Jarvis to stand there.

"Of course, sir," Jarvis said and Steve saw Bucky grin, delighted and surprised. Steve couldn't help but smile a little, too, watching him. Bucky glanced over at Steve as though he had forgotten that he was angry for a second, and nodded to the suit.

"That's amazing," he said both to Steve and Tony. Steve smiled back.

"It's not like anything we grew up with, that's for sure," he replied.

Tony instructed Bucky to take off his jacket and shirt and began to take a cast of his right arm using tiny hand projectors and holograms. Bucky stood very still, holding his arm aloft and watching, enthralled, as Tony scanned his arm and shoulder with blue light from several angles. He was smiling, utterly fascinated, like Steve had thought he would be. Steve was glad to see him smile. Earlier, as he had watched him stare blankly, Steve had been afraid that Bucky wouldn't be able to be happy, at least not today. But he had been gladly proven wrong.