Becoming Hers

30

"I won't smoke as long as you are alive." I told her.

"Lexi, it's not that I don't want to see you smoke. It's you, I don't want it to damage you in the future, what if you have lung problems or literally anything else?" She blabbered.

"Well that's in the future,"

"That's besides the point,"

After a while we'd stopped talking and we were just lying there, her partially on top of me. Our hands were connected and fingers were spread around each other's. I didn't feel awkward and neither did Gracie.

I decided to break the silence, "Do you remember when you asked me how I knew for sure I was gay?"

"Mhm?" She uttered.

"It was-and still is loads of little things that had been sitting right in front of me waiting for me to realise. Then one day I just did and it all became clear to me,"

"What were they?" She was intrigued.

"For as long as I can remember, I'd never wanted a boyfriend, I always used to say they were horrible. Everyone laughed and said I'd change my mind when I got older but no, I still think they're disgusting, I like girls and I decided to stop pretending," I wanted to tell her, I wanted to tell Gracie everything.

I guess I inspired her because she decided to tell me a story of her own.

"I haven't told anyone this, not even Charlie," She mentioned.

"Hey, you can tell me,"

"When I was younger I had crushes on boys and I had a few boyfriends but nothing serious, they never were. I always broke it of before something happened," Gracie explained but I was mainly focused on the way my body vibrated as she spoke.

"Yeah I get that,"

"I never even thought about the possibility that I could be gay, I just carried on, thinking there was something wrong with me," When she said that I realised how much she could've been hurting but I never realised.

"Trust me, there's nothing wrong with you," I assured her. In fact I thought she was exactly right, Gracie was the person I'd always needed in my life.

"It wasn't until you came into my life, that's when I realised. I only want to be with you, no one else Lex,"

"So that guy the other night?" I didn't want to bring him into it but I had to know how he fitted into the equation.

"I just wanted to be sure," She said, "maybe if you kiss me again I'll be certain,"

I hesitated for a second, it was like I had to check if everything that was happening was actually real.

"I'm sorry, I'm such an idiot, I tried to pretend like I felt nothing for you," I gave her an uncertain look because I was unsure of what she was talking about.

"That's why I ignored you and got you out of my life because I couldn't look at you everyday, wanting to kiss you, tell you how I feel about you, but knowing that people may never look at me in the same way ever again made me feel awful, it was like I had to choose between you and the rest of the world,"

"And you chose them." I acknowledged as a sad smile slumped across my face.

"I didn't choose Lexi, I Shut everyone out, you, Charlie and all of my family because I realised I couldn't not look at you ever again, even if you hated me, at least then I'll be able to see you smile, see you happy, even if you weren't with me,"

"But I wouldn't ever be happy without you." I whispered. Jesus she was the only reason I was happy.

"I know that now," She replied.

"Gracie," I mumbled, "you're not the first girl I've ever dated,"

"Oh so we're dating?" She giggled and it was so cute.

"Something like that," I tried to play it cool but I couldn't. I mean I was finally dating the one girl that I wanted.

"But you're the first girl I've ever loved, and I knew from the very first day I saw you that I wanted you, I don't know what it was about you, everything really, you're smile just melts my heart and it makes me feel things," I finally took a break to breathe, "great things," I added.

"Are you sure it's not the vodka?" She motioned down to the half empty bottle we'd been drinking.

"It's probably both," I admitted, "but mostly you,"

I was weary of saying the word 'love' because I didn't know what her reaction would have been but I just wanted to be honest with her.

"I'm sorry I was a jerk before. I should've realised that you were scared and that was why you were questioning me,"

"It's ok," She smiled and assured me it was fine but I felt like I owed her an apology.

"No it isn't, I went on at you quite a lot but I just really wanted you to be gay. I know it wasn't my place to tell you your sexuality but I just hoped you like you girls and there was a chance for us because I fell for you, fucking hard Gracie," It wasn't really an apology but that's how it went.

"I was going to tell you," She blurted.

"Oh yeah?"

"The night when you got up on the stage," She mentioned then smiled to herself.

"When you were up there it all seemed so real," Gracie admitted, "And I knew that if I'd just have said something everything would have changed between us,"

I knew what she meant and stuff like that scared me too. Something could change so much just because of something so little. It scared me but it also excited me.

"That kind of threw me off, but I went home and well you inspired me,"

"You came out?" I beamed.

She nodded, "my mum, Caleb, Blake and... my dad,"

"Oh shit Gracie I'm so sorry," I knew just by the way she added her dad on at the end meant that he didn't take it well.

"He's just not talking to me at the moment and it's hell in my house," She commented.

"But everyone else?"

"They're cool with it," She grinned.

"And actually Blake sort of came out to me too," Gracie added.

"Seriously?" I tried to act surprised but she could see right through me. "I'm really happy for him, I know it can be hard,"

"You already knew didn't you?" I didn't have to reply because she already knew my answer.

:)