unspoken - phan

like or love.

After walking for ten minuets a sudden heat rushed through my body, getting hotter and hotter.
My head spun, the whole world spun around. I felt the need of laying down, throwing up and fainting.
I heard my heart pounding in my head, my ears. My vision faded completely black and right before I lost control, I sat down, closing my eyes.
Don't pass out.
Don't pass out.
I covered my face with my hands, but it just didn't get better. I in- and exhaled, but I felt out of breath.
I couldn't walk anymore, I could barely sit without passing out completely.
I had no other option than asking for help this time. I pulled myself together and opened my eyes. Everything was in a blur and it took me a few times to unlock my phone and text pj.

"sorry for bothering but could
you pick me up i'm ten minutes
away from phils and i feel like
passing out"

I didn't wait for an answer, I just sat on the pavement, trying not to faint. I felt absolutely horrible. Physically and mentally. I was so angry at myself for being such an idiot, for hurting Phils feelings and kissing him in first place. I was overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings. In addition, I was exhausted and starving. I was lost, tired and just on the edge of breaking down. My heart was filled with sorrow. I didn't want to think about it and I didn't for days but now I just wished for an end. I wished for falling asleep and just not waking up.
And in all honesty I wished for death.

There were memories of people bullying me, tearing me slowly apart. There was pain of all those meals I skipped, threw away and up. There was never ending silence and unbearable clamor. Alcohol, smoke and lighters burning my skin.

I was so tired of this life and Phil wasn't enough to live for. I was too much to handle. I was on fire and he just didn't know how to put me out without burning himself.
He deserved more than this. He deserved to be with someone who makes him happy and I knew that I would never be more than okay.

I might drown without him, but that's better than with him.

I heard a car stopping in front of me and saw Pj stepping out of it. I stood up, just to feel dizziness and darkness overcoming me. "Hey, hey don't pass out",Pj said, catching me in the fall. "Wait, sit down."
I sat down again and tried to concentrate on not passing out.
"You are really pale, have you eaten anything?",he asked.
I lied.
"Okay, good. But you should drink something",he gave me a bottle of water and I drank a bit.
"Well maybe yesterday was a bit too much",he laughed and I smiled, even though I wasn't in the mood.
"Is everything else alright?",he asked with a bit of concern in his voice.
I didn't know if I should talk with him about Phil. I didn't know how he would react and to be honest, I had enough homophobic comments in the past and they were without a reason.
But I had nobody else to talk to and I didn't need to say that we kissed, just that we had some sort of an argument.
I grabbed my mobile and opened the chat.
"Wait, you could type it into google translate or something to read it out loud",he suggested and I thought that'd work.

"Some problems with Phil",it said.
"Problems? Ok just to clarify, do you like him?"
My eyes widened. How did he get to that question?
"not in that way",I said out of panic.
"You do know that I'm gay right?"
What? I tried not to look shocked so I just tried to answer, but I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to be offensive. I felt like I needed some time to take it in. Did that mean that he was in a relationship with Chris?
"You're not homophobic or something right? That'd be fucked up",he said after I didn't come up with anything.
I immediately shook my head.
"I just didn't know what to say",I said embarrassed.
"It's fine, it's not that obvious. So back to you, in all honesty, what exactly do you mean with problems?"
I hesitated. Ok he wouldn't make any mean comments and he could help me with it, but could I trust him?
"What you just said. Do I like phil?"
"Oh my, so I was right? Chris owes me £5",he said with an amused smile. "Sorry, I bet with him that you two had something going on."
I was kinda puzzled and shocked, but couldn't stop the corners of my mouth raising upwards.
"So, what happened?"
Again, I was unsure about telling him, but  it was already too late to lie.
"We kissed."
His expression changed into utterly shook. "Wow I didn't know you were that far. And now you don't know whether you like him or not?"
"Exactly."
"Okay. Do you know if you're gay, bi, pan whatever?"
I shook my head.
"Uh that's rough",he inhaled."You should kiss him a second time."
"I did."
"You already kissed twice? I should get £10 for that",his smile got bigger.
"Did you feel anything? Did you like it?"
"I felt a lot, but I just don't know if that whole thing is a good idea",the google translate voice said.
"It's not a project or something, it's love and if you want that then there's no should or should not, I know Phil really likes you."
I looked down at my sleeve covered hands.
"He deserves a lot more",I couldn't believe how honest I was.
"He deserves to be happy and you make him happy. Dan you're such a great person, if I wasn't with Chris I would definitely date you",he laughed.
I smiled. So he was in a relationship with Chris.
"How did you know that you love Chris?"
"It was quite simple. I had a huge crush on him since, I don't know, primary school and like three years ago I just kissed him and he kissed me back. So I knew. But I got you. The difference between a friendship and love is that you don't just want to be around him, but share everything with him. That you want to hold his hand when you're walking next to him, that you want to hug and kiss him and yeah that you think that he's hot as fuck. You have to know if you like him more than a guy from school to hang out with."

"I think I like him at least a bit more than that."