unspoken - phan

darkness.

I entered the classroom. We had math and I knew I had to sit next to Phil. I looked around but every other seat was taken. I sighed and walked reluctantly to our table.

I knew he wouldn't talk with me, I knew he was done with me. It was my first and only chance to get a friend, but no wonder, I messed it up.
No one could ever like me.
No one could ever -

"Hey Dan! Did you find your mobile yesterday?"
I nodded with a little smile on my lips. He actually continued talking to me, even though I was such an awkward looser.
"So can you sit with us this time?"
I bit my lip. I was unsure if I wanted to risk this.

What if I begin to like them and they begin to realize how fucked up I am?

I didn't know if I wanted someone in my life. I didn't know if he would stay.
I couldn't risk getting hope for a normal life. My life wasn't normal, I wasn't an average 16 year old boy.
I didn't go to outside, I never had a girlfriend, I never even fell in love.
I was an outsider and maybe I should stay one.

I'm better off alone and never liked, than liked and then left alone.

I sighed. I just didn't want him to get dragged in my dark life.
Phil didn't want a fucked up person in his life, he just didn't know yet.

"Everything okay?" He asked, but I just ignored him. It hurt me already and I couldn't imagine the pain after a real and lost friendship.
Better too early than too late.

"Um, Dan?"
I kept staring at the table, breathing slowly in and out, until Phil turned away.

And my heart sank.

>•<

I kept staring at the ceiling.
I was tired, but sleep couldn't help.
I was hurting, but meds couldn't help.
I was starving, but food couldn't help.

There was alcohol in my blood.

Don't drink calories

I drank often.
And I knew it wasn't the best solution to my problems, but when I was drunk,
everything was numb -
everything was silent like me.

I stared at the blurry light on my nightstand and switched it off.
I didn't know what time it was, but my room was dark.
From downstairs I heard my parents.
Yelling at each other.
It was an usual evening.

"Well if you wouldn't work all day-"
"Oh I work all day? You're the one who's taking overtimes!"
"Sorry that I want to earn money!"
"Fuck money! Get interested in your family!"

I couldn't tell them apart.
I couldn't tell who's who.
In the end they were both leaving me all day alone.
They were both letting me slowly die from loneliness.
They both never noticed.

If my marks weren't that bad, I would probably still get bullied at my old school.

I closed my eyes.
My head was empty and full at the same time.

But I thought of Phil.
He attempted to become my friend.
But he didn't know that I couldn't have friends.
I was unable to get them.

Because nobody liked me.
My existence was worthless
and so was everything else.

it was too late for friends

And my parents yelling faded in the darkness that surrounded me.

They both didn't know how their son was drunk laying on his bed.
Crying silent tears and wishing he was dead.