G/T One-Shots

Fairy Tale

"Honestly, fairy tales fucked you up for me as a kid, if that makes sense," says Robbie, without looking away from his laptop screen.

"It doesn't," I reply, tracing the "R" of the control/ctrl button nearby as he types away.

"Like, if I hadn't heard a certain one about a human  when I was little, I wouldn't look at you the way I do probably," he explains, looking to me finally. "Humans would have a really different view in our eyes."

"Oh, I get that. Humans got a really messed up one too about a giant, and it totally terrified me. I don't know why it's still passed down from families."

"What's yours about?" he asks, returning to typing.

"You've literally never heard about Jack and the Beanstalk?" I ask.

"No, but it doesn't sound exciting."

"To be honest, it's kind of a weird concept, but there's this boy who's all poor and shit and he sells his cow for beans-"

"Dumbass."

"But they're magic!" I say, doing jazz hands.

"Still a dumbass."

"True. Anyway, he plants them and a Beanstalk grows, it's kind of like a tree? Anyway, he climbs it and it goes to the clouds where there's a castle that a giant lives in." Robbie snickers and I shoot a look at him. He uses two fingers to gently push me off the edge of the keyboard so he can close the laptop. Hoisting me up again to sit on top, I continue.

"So Jack steals a bunch of shit from him but the giant wants to like actually eat him-"

"V o r e," he extends the word.

"Can I finish? Jesus fuck. Anyway, he steals a lot of things but the giant catches him so he chases him down the beanstalk to Jack's home, but he chops down the beanstalk and the giant dies."

"That's way less realistic than mine. Mine is barely a fairy tale, since now that we know humans exist, this makes sense.," Robbie says, beginning his story. "So, in mine, there's a boy named John and he and his family kept losing their cheese and apples and bread and all that. They were able to get more, but it was pissing them off."

"That's sad." My voice is monotone.

"Shut up? Anyway, John's dad asks him to get the bottle of wine so he and his mom can share it," he continues. "But when he goes over to get it he notices the cork is popped off and laying down next to the bottle, where the wine is all spilled. A little human stumbles out from behind the bottle, all drunk and shit. He's also "plump" as they described it, obviously from eating the food. John calls in his parents and they safely let him go back to his human home."

"Aww," I react, satisfied by the happy ending.

"I'm kidding, they ate him," he laughs.

"What the fuck."