Depression Session

4/1/18

My Depression

To me, my depression is like a cocoon. On the inside, it's made up of the softest blankets you could possibly find on this earth, and they just wrap you up tightly and tuck you in and lay your head down to rest.

It's dark inside too, it's pitch black. A the kind of dark that you can only get in the country, far away from the city lights, on a cloudy night that hid away the moon and stars. It's so dark that I can't see my hand in front of my face. A silence matches the dark and the softness. The quiet wraps you up and muffles your ears. There's not a sound to be heard accept from yourself.

My depression is like a dark, silent night in the country, and I'm laying in bed, tightly tucked in and ready for sleep. It's peaceful. It's comforting. It's familiar.

Yeah, sometimes it really fucking hurts and it tears me apart and leaves me wishing for death, but it's so, so familiar that I feel odd, I feel not myself, without it.

One of the only times that I remember feeling void of my depression, I remember missing it, I had felt out of place and uncomfortable.

Yeah, it felt nice to not want to die every other hour, but I was left out in the wide open, away from my save little cocoon of horrible comfort.

I don't know what this means for me... it terrifies me to think that my depression makes up who I am. It's not just my mental illness, but it's become who I am. It scares me to think I'll never be anything more than my depression... and yet I can't bare to walk away from it when I have the chance.