𝐀𝐋𝐌𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐇𝐎𝐌𝐄 ‣ jjk

七十九 ; void and darkness

day 22
9.40 pm
jeon jeongguk
3rd person point of view

void and darkness

jeongguk is a warrior
but once in a while
even men of war take off their armour
the girl he loves sees glimpses of him underneath
and then he works to cover it up
trying to hide his true self from her eyes
and now he's afraid

the fading of the lights from the lanterns above
also meant the fading of his heart
the wintry air around him
takes away every warmth it could

he wraps his arms tighter around himself
pulling his coat close
and tucking his chin downward into his pullover
his feet dragging across the snow covered ground

his breath is now only visible
under the streetlights;
the few which still lights up
the decaying city

as he walks from the east end to the north
he feels the icy sidewalk beneath his shoes
jeongguk quickens his pace with no destination in mind
his breath hitching
the cars passing by him zoom fast
none of them noticing the broken heart dragging himself
with no remaining will left inside him

his mind is clouded
with images of her tear stained eyes
and that look on her face
begging him not to leave
but he did
and he hated every single being of himself

he hates his fate
hates his disease
hates the fact that he would never get to see her again
hates everything that had happened to him

"i'm sorry" he whispers under his breath
praying that even though it wouldn't be possible
that she could hear it

"i'm sorry"
he repeats it over and over again like a chant
his feet slowing down as it feels
heavier and heavier
with every small step he takes

he remembers how beautiful and ethereal
haru had looked
under the glowing lights of the flying lanterns
she is the light in his life
the star on his darkest nights
his hope when everything is lost
it may sound like he's exaggerating things
but it's the only way he could ever describe her

his heart aches
wishing that things had been different
would things be different if he had met her
under different circumstances
as different people
with different stories?

he can't help but compare the night
with his own state of mind
just like the clouds
his insides are in a chaos
a mess

he clutches his chest
feeling the throbbing pain from within his chest
it shouldn't have hurt this much
but the thought of haru breaking down is killing him

and all of a sudden he feels empty
as if he had really lost everything
as if he had lost a part of himself
and his only reason to live

he grabs onto a nearby bench
and slumps down with a heavy breath
tilting his head back with his eyes shut
as more jolts of pain raced through his body

it's getting unbearable;
he feels suffocated

something flows up his throat
and he fights hard to control his gag reflexes
but to no avail
as the metallic taste of blood
lingers on his tongue

his stomach feels sick
then he loses control
and presses his palms onto his mouth
as scarlet red liquid escapes through his lips
it soaks through his shirt and coat
tormenting him
making him feel completely helpless

his face closes in a painful grimace
skin pale and clammy
slowly, he tries to get up
but quickly realises how futile it is
that he has to bite his lip from keeping himself
from crying out
sharp pain laces through his head
and colourful spots flash through his eyes

it's like every part of his body had been beaten
and that every movement
causes some muscle or bone
to ache

regardless
he knows he has to get out of there
away from everything
away from his thoughts

maybe his family would understand

it isn't death that he's afraid of
or rather, it's the pain

but none of it can ever compare
to the pain in his heart