Frost on the Green (The Green Girl sequel) ✓

Chapter 25

Where did he go?

What was so important that he had to leave me now?

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t…

“Here,” Cade ran into the room and handed me a clear plastic bottle. “Here, drink some water.”

I shook my head.

My breathing was better now that he was by my side again and I no longer felt abandoned but it was still irregular; I was sure that I was going to choke on the water if I attempted to drink it.

Caden put the bottle on the nightstand and paid no attention to it falling off due to his abrupt movement. His worried gaze was focused on me and I thought that if a bomb was to explode nearby, he’d ignore that too and keep looking at me.

“Alice, I don’t know what to do. Tell me! Tell me what you want…”

“Hold me,” I muttered and he complied.

He sat by me on the bed and wrapped both arms around me. His left one went to my back and started rubbing soothingly. My breath was less shallow now, my heart beat was almost normal and I felt more in control.

Poor Caden!

It wasn’t enough that he had a mother with a panic disorder that he took care of but now his girlfriend was the same. I wondered if he’d thought about how similar me and Rachel were now; we both got robbed and our lives had changed for the worse after that. Would I end up in a mental hospital as well?

Would I have to be stuffed with several drugs per day so that I won’t flip and try to harm myself?

No.

Rachel had done something that I’d never even considered. She’d felt so scared, so psychologically pressured that she’d tried to take her own life.

I had not done that.

Even when I was depressed, I could never do that.

“A panic attack,” I mumbled weakly. “I can’t believe I got a panic attack just because I decided to talk to you about…”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath; my heartbeat had accelerated once more.

“About the shooting?” He suggested just as quietly as I’d spoken.

“Partly.” I took another deep breath and let it out slowly before I opened my eyes to look into his. “But more importantly, I needed to talk about the outcome of the shooting; about how I am now and about… About how this affects us.”

“Us?”

“I can’t help but feel like I am not bringing anything in our relationship,” I started to explain, each word difficult to utter.

“Alice…”

“No, Cade, just let me speak, okay? Let me say it all now because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to talk about it again.”

I waited for his reply – a nod – and went on:

“I really… I just can’t give you anything good. You promised to be quiet, Caden,” I reminded him because he’d tried to speak. He closed his mouth and I continued:
“I… feel that… I mean… God, this is so difficult to explain!” I shouted.

His hug tightened but it was still gentle. He kissed my forehead while I attempted to gather my thoughts.

“Here it goes: I feel useless, I feel like a burden, I feel I don’t deserve your love because even though I love you more than anyone in the world that is all I can offer you,” I shot out quick while I still had the courage to do so. “I think I’ll never really get over what happened to me in my own home and I’ll always have nightmares.” My voice cracked and I felt like my throat laced up with each word that came through my mouth but I kept talking even as tears rolled down my cheeks. “I’ll always be jumpy, I’ll always cry without being sure why, I will continue to have these damned panic attacks…”