Phantasm

zero: phantasm

I'm in a white-walled, narrow and dull room, sitting on a single bed with white sheets and surrounded with white things. White pillow, white blanket, white sink, white clothes. The only things that aren't white are my blue irises, bright yellowish blonde hair, dark circles under my eyes and the dark dips where my collarbones, jawline and cheekbones are threatening to pop out of my body at any time. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was actually looking at a mirror.

Wait. Who owns that face? Oh, is that how I look like? I don't remember looking like that. I used to be strong and... why? How?

I frantically searched for an exit without standing up. Everything is hazy as if there's a barrier that blocks me between what I see and what my brain tells me what I see. I mean, it's like I'm watching through a screen, a simulation. Everything sounds muffled, too, like I'm listening through the walls. Not that there's a sound to hear anyway except the thumping of my heartbeat and the ragged breaths escaping my mouth and nose.

Without removing my sight from the mirror, I caressed the face with lanky, slender, pale fingers. I can't feel the fingers on the face. I can't feel the tears trickling down the face and some even got to the fingers. I didn't even know I was crying already. I can't feel the thin mattress of the bed underneath me. I can't feel anything, even inside of me, even my own emotions. I'm numb.

Numb.

After a few moments, I could feel the cold sweat forming on my forehead, the heaving of my chest, the adrenaline caused by panic dying down and finally, the tears. I didn't realize that I was sitting up as straight as humanly possible when I slumped. Placing my temples between my hands as I dipped my head between my legs, I let the tears fall freely and whimpered. Soon, I was on the floor, lying as I was having an intense tantrum.

When will this stop? I need this to stop! I didn't do it! I didn't! It wasn't me!

It was interrupted by a sound of a buzzer followed by a voice.

Samuel, talk to me. Tell me what's happening.

"Who are you? H-how did you know my name?" I panted as I succumbed to the bed and placed my arms protectively around my knees.

You can trust me, Samuel. Let's talk this out.

"No! Go away! Leave me alone!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. After those words left my lips, the buzzer went off again and I was left alone with my own thoughts.

I lied down on the bed, exhausted at the little episode I just had. This is getting frequent. I placed my arm on my forehead, somehow shielding myself from the bright fluorescent light of the room. I tried closing my eyes and breathing slowly but it was no use. My mind was racing, no, it's fleeting. I sat up and let out a frustrated grunt and reached for the sink. I grabbed two different bottles filled with medicine tablets and popped one from each. I walked towards the door and grabbed the bottle of water which was placed on the tray with food rations.

The medicine's effect was so quick that I was stumbling before I reached my bed. Everything around me is starting to get blurry and there was a searing pain in my head. I pressed my palms against my temples as to prevent my head from exploding, well, that's how it feels anyway. I plopped into the bed and it was a struggle to lie on my back. I slowly closed my eyes as the lights above me started to flicker.

*****

I'm now floating in a black void, naked and clueless as to where this void will take me. What is this place? This is a new dream. I scanned the foreign surroundings with awe and confusion. Abruptly, there were images around me, fast moving images that are unrecognizable and strange. Then, it slowed down, with the images moving very slowly.

The first one was a scene where there are two hooded figures approaching me while they're levitating. The second one was a lively version of me, staring at the mirror and clearly distressed about something. The next one was a scene in a school cafeteria where there are students whom I do not recognize at all. They were all looking at me as if we've known each other for a long time. The next few ones became gradually blurry as they paced faster. There are ones that I recognize, though. Like a field of corn on a sunny day through a car window, a view of crumbling houses stacked on top of each other, a hand holding a phone in a restaurant, a boat full of almost naked bound people and a stunning view of the sunset from a top of a building in the middle of a metro.

It was bizarre at first but deep inside, I have this unexplainable nostalgic and warm feeling just seeing these pictures. These are just mere images of, maybe, somebody else but why do I feel as if they're my own? I don't even know how or why they appeared before my eyes so suddenly. They do not only feel nostalgic but they felt important. I felt like have to remember them.

And then, they disappeared as I was engulfed in darkness.