Vapor [LASHTON AU]

18.1

two-part-chapter

first part in Luke's P.O.V.

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luke

I haven't gotten out of my room since what happened between me and Ashton last night. I didn't even get out of my bed. I just cried the whole night and the whole morning. My heart hurts. My body hurts. My mind hurts. Just everything hurts.

I couldn't get the image of Ashton and Bryana kissing out of my mind. I couldn't understand how Ashton could do that to me. I couldn't get why he had to make me believe that he cares about me - that he feels for me, and why he did all the things he did for me before that is one of the reasons that made me fall in love with him.

Why did he do all those nice things for me? Why did he even get jealous of Jesse? Why did he go to the extreme of getting back at Andrew for what that asshole did to me? Why, when at the end, he will just cheat on me?

Was I not enough for him? Was it because I am a boy? Was it because I couldn't satisfy him with his needs?

Or, maybe...these...everything that happened between us was just a part of some big game or bet he is playing and I was his target because I was the new guy and I was just that easy to fool?

How even about his friends? Were they even real with making friends with me or they are his accomplices? What about the things they told me about Ashton and about how Ashton is with me? Were they true or did Ashton just made them tell those things to me? How about Harry though?

Fuck! Everything is just so fucking confusing and I need answers but I can't...I mean I don't have both the guts and the energy to go get them. I know for sure that when I see Ashton, I'd grow weak. Just one smile and one look from him would make me go run back to him.

I am just foolishly in love with him and I can't push away that feeling even though I am hurting so much right now because of the very same man I am in love with.

But Ashton has done so much in my life that made it a whole lot better. I fell in love with him because of the genuine person I saw in him or at least that was what I thought.

But he did things for me that I never thought anyone would be able to do. He made me fully accept who I really am. He made me see things I was blinded of before. He gave me confidence. He made me stop hating myself.

Harry told me before that Ashton needed me more than I needed him. But, no, I need him more than he needs me. My whole life I felt so worthless because of a lot of things. My insecurities for one. I just couldn't do things right. Being the youngest in the family, I was always dependent on the people around me. Then there is this thing about my sexuality.

Fully accepting who I really am was a long battle between me and myself. I always believed that I wasn't normal because I'm gay and I like boys even though I am supposed to be with a girl. But Ashton made me realize that I was wrong. He made me understand that what I am, makes me who I am. He taught me my self-worth and most of all, he made me feel important; that what I do or what I say matters.

Without Ashton, I would still be this insecure, closeted gay who would never ever have the courage to come to anyone other than his best friend. I would still be the one who never fully accept myself and would always believe that I don't matter in this world. I would have continued to hate myself.

Ashton changed my life for the better. That is just something I couldn't deny. But that one thing also makes everything a whole lot more complicated and difficult for me because that is the very exact thing that ties me with Ashton. And after what just happened, I don't know what to do with it and how to deal with it.