The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 44

"I think you just do magic when you feel like doing magic, you big old liar."

"Think what you want. At least I've done something useful, unlike some of us, you ugly buffoon."

"I'll have you know I'm being extremely useful right here," Fabian said.

He heard the sound of galloping hooves and Sir Mikael came racing by on Rothchild. "Hey, we could use a little help out here," he called out as he whizzed by.

"You heard the man," Druvidia said.

"You're just trying to get me killed, aren't you?"

"I wouldn't shed any tears if you die out there, but hopefully you can take out a few brigands first."

"Real classy, lady. Way to be an ethereal earth mother goddess or whatever you're supposed to be. You're setting a real great example for mystical spiritual entities everywhere."

"I stand by my words, thief. The simple fact is I don't like you."

"Yeah? Well, the feeling's mutual. You think I'm afraid to go out there and fight a few measly brigands? I've faced down much greater dangers than that in my day and lived to tell the tale. Not only am I going to battle these brigands, I'm going to easily defeat them and I bet I won't even sustain any minor injuries in the process. That's how confident I am in my abilities. You don't become a legendary hero like me by not overcoming epic odds against you. This here is pure minor leagues."

"Why don't you talk less and start overcoming the odds?"

"I am! Just got to stretch out the old limbs first. There's nothing worse than cramping up right in the middle of a big battle."

"Do I need to go lead a few brigands over here so you can fight them?" Druvidia asked.

"No, that won't be necessary. I'm entering the fray right now." Fabian crept towards the corner of the Inn and peeked around it. An arrow immediately whizzed over his head and he ducked back behind the shelter of the wall. "You know what would be really useful here? Some kind of shield. I know! I'll go back inside and grab that dead broad and hold her in front of me. She won't mind taking a few arrows for a worthy cause."

He walked back into the Inn only to discover two brigands had made their way inside. One had Madge's arms pinned behind her back and the other was holding a dagger to her throat. They hadn't seemed to notice Fabian's entrance so he quickly leaped behind a large potted plant in the corner.

"Where do you keep your gold?" the brigand with the dagger asked. Madge responded by spitting in his face. "You shouldn't have done that, you old worthless twat," he said as he balled his other hand into a fist and punched her in the stomach.

Fabian picked up the pot that the plant was in and inched his way closer to the brigands.

"I'm going to ask you one more time and then I'm going to slit your throat and Vern and I are going to tear this shithole apart. I guarantee we're going to find it anyway so why don't you save yourself a lot of suffering and tell me where the gold is?" He pressed the dagger harder into Madge's neck and a drop of blood appeared.

"There's a trapdoor in the pantry. It's under a barrel in the back. I keep all the gold there. You can take it, just let me go."

"Thank you, kindly. Snap her neck, Vern, while I go check the pantry."

"Okay, Edd," the brigand known as Vern said. "Hey, did that plant just move?"

"What plant?" Edd asked as he turned around just in time to see Fabian leap out from behind the plant with his own dagger drawn. He plunged it into Edd's right eye and the brigand let out a choking noise before slumping to the ground in a heap. Fabian pulled his dagger out and turned to face Vern who was already making a run for the pantry. He whipped the door open and was greeted by the re-animated corpse of Krystal who promptly bit him in the neck and tore out a huge chunk of flesh. Vern screamed in agony as she proceeded to tear apart his body and began feasting on his intestines.

"What in the four levels of hell is going on?" Madge asked.

"It looks like Krystal has come back as a zombie and is eating our friend Vern."

"How did Krystal become a zombie?" Madge asked.

"Um, I might have a theory about that," Fabian said. "I had an encounter with some zombies not too long ago and I got splattered with some of their blood. It's possible I might not have done the greatest job of washing it off myself. She was pretty much licking me all over up in the bedroom. She might have ingested some of the zombie blood and, well, long story short I might have accidentally infected her."

"We're going to have to stab her in the head then," Madge said.

"We could do that, or we could just kind of open the front door, let her wander out and maybe kill a few more brigands for us."

"But what if the brigands she kills turn into zombies?" Madge asked. "Then we've just got a whole new problem on our hands."

"You make a good point. We'll stab her in the head. Probably better stab Vern here, too, just in case. I'm sure Scrote and the others are doing fine against the brigands outside." Fabian crept over to the pantry and dispatched the zombie while she was still stooped over the brigand and munching on his liver. Then he jabbed his dagger into Vern's brain as well.

"There, that's taken care of. Fabian saves the day once again."

"Son, no offense," Madge said. "I mean thanks for saving my neck and everything, but it sounds like you really need to take a long, hot soak in the tub after all this is over. I'll let you use mine free of charge. Can't have you turning any other innocent girls into zombies because you can't be bothered to keep yourself clean."

"Lady, start getting the water heated up, because now that Fabian's on the case this battle is sure to be over in a few short minutes."