The Life You Love

Chapter 11/Part 2

I don't know what comes over me. I rush toward her, to Amelia. The realisation of it all crumbling down onto me. She loves me. She's said these words to me a thousand times, and I to her. We're sisters, best friends. Of course she does... but she said it so differently this time. Her voice wavered, the confidence absent. It wasn't a quick light-hearted giggle. It was a breathless, anxious whisper. I love you. You love me? I love you too. But I don't say it. I can't, because somehow I don't think she's telling me what I already know. Instead she's telling me something I don't know. I don't know how I couldn't know, but I don't. I didn't. I do. Now. It makes sense now. All of it. She was scared. Scared of herself, of what others would say and do. Me. She was scared of me. God, Amelia. She was scared of how I'd react - she still is. It's there in her eyes as she watches me think it all through, she's hoping I've caught on, so she won't have to explain. I can't believe she was scared. That she didn't trust me - no trust herself enough to know that I would understand. That even if I don't feel the same that doesn't make me hate her, or love her any less. But that's the thing... I do love her, don't I? I always have and I've always told her that. Not necessarily in words most of the time but in things. In the best friend necklace, the gifts from holidays. The way we hold hands down the street or the corridors. We've always been those girls who act like lovers and nobody ever batted an eyelid. They probably thought we were lovers. We keep to ourselves so it's not like we had any friends around to ask. Yet her we are. She was too scared to say so she kept herself distant from me, to avoid any confusion. My heart breaks for her, for the fact that she was struck with this inkling that there was more to her feelings than friendship, than sisterhood, that she felt she had to hide it, that she couldn't allow people to think we were a thing when she wasn't sure if she actually wanted it. I understand. I don't quite realise why I do or that I even have the capability to get how she feels but I do. I wouldn't want all eyes on me, making jokes about something they think is so innocent whilst I'm in the process of discovering myself. I just wish she had felt that she could talk to me, that neither of us had to go through the past few weeks and months alone. I look at her, I really, really look at her. Her small rounded nose, light freckles on it, spilling over to her cheeks. She's so sharp, her face structured with points everywhere. Her nose is the only soft part, as well as her eyes... and her lips. God her lips. I realise now that words can't say anything remotely close to what I want and need her to know, so I do the only thing that feels right... I shuffle closer to her, my hands reaching out to take hers.

'Amelia.' I whisper. It's hardly audible. The words nothing more than air. I drop her hands and raise them in the air. I'm shaking, I'm so nervous. It wasn't like this with Alex. I cup my hands around her face and draw my lips to hers. They are soft. So incredibly soft. I think I understand now why they say you can feel sparks fly, because I can. It's like electricity in the air, my whole body fills with goosebumps and tingles. I feel weak but so incredibly strong at the same time. I could collapse in a heap, float in the air like a butterfly but I could also move mountains if that's what Amelia wanted me to do. I cherish every second we are together, the taste of her on me and I on her. I get it now. I do. I can't believe I never realised this before, that I never knew. But I do now. I can't describe the way I feel, this new sensation I have inside. Is this what others get? What every other kid in school talks about - what they spoke about feeling with Alex or with the boyband on X Factor and that new teen actor in the big movie or tv show? Is this what I'm supposed to feel when I look at those shirtless male models? The butterflies that almost remind me of when I feel sick, the tingling sensation that I never realised could happen unless I was being touched? If this is what it is like then I get it. I get why people love it, why they crave it. I understand now the obsession with boys - or rather with those you love. I look at het, at Amelia, at my best friend and I wonder, is this who I love. Is this why I have never felt it before? I was too busy looking at boys and judging girls for being obsessed when really I just didn't understand. I didn't look at boys the same way as they did because I don't care for them. I never looked at girls the way they looked at boys because I never thought I would be gay. I assumed I was straight. I assumed I liked boys. I thought if it were any different I'd have realised growing up, there would have been signs. I'd have never worn skirts or dresses and I wouldn't like barbie dolls. But then you don't have to be "butch" to be lesbian. You don't need to be the stereotype. But even then I never fancied girls. I thought I'd have had a moment of realisation long before now. I thought I would have had crushes on girls and know that this was why. But I didn't. I'm 17 and I only now think I may be gay. I only now realise that I don't know myself at all. Looking at Amelia, I can see the thoughts crossing through her head too. Neither of us know ourselves. We've never explored our sexuality. We've never even kissed a girl. We don't know where this will take us, how this will start or end. But it feels right. It's different to when I was with Alex, when I kissed him. When I kissed him I felt ecstatic because I kissed a boy. I felt incredible that somebody wanted to do that with me, but kissing Amelia took me to another universe. The world melted away and it was she and I in that moment and nobody else. It still feels that way, her room only barely appearing in my peripheral vision. This girl. God this girl. I love her. I always have, I always knew I did but I never realised I loved her quite like this. She was always a sister to me, the sister I never had and I was hers. But now I realise there was more to it. I think back on all the days we have spent together, the sleepovers, shopping trips, cinema dates. The book launches and library readings. We did everything together and when we couldn't we always thought of one another. Forever springing silly little gifts upon each other. We are two peas in a pod. Lovers. Friends. Sisters.

'Does this make us...' girlfriends? The word has a sweet taste on my tongue, though I can't yet say it out loud. I want to, but it is so foreign to me, to her.

'I... I think so? I don't know? Maybe?' she says, the hesitation crystal clear but the excitement there all the same. It's so new, this world. It's brand new to us both. It's an untouched land ready to be explored. And side by side, hand in hand, we are ready to set sail and make our way to new shores, to see what lies ahead. Who knows if this will bring us joy, or heartbreak, perhaps even both. But one thing is for sure; we are going to explore this together, we are taking a leap into discovery and I can't wait for us to learn, to find out who we are whilst we are on the path to finding our love, our life... and ultimately, the life we love.

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Annndd we're done! That's the first draft! Thanks for all your reads and votes and for putting up with this mess from my brain.