The Life You Love

Chapter 5/Part 1

It doesn't feel the way I imagined, but I guess books and reality was always going to be different. There was never going to be sparks flying or birds singing or anything of the like. The room doesn't even spin. But regardless, I enjoy it. It's nice. It's nice to have someone that close, to know there's some sort of connection, though I can't say I imagined having my first kiss on a bench in the social area after a panic attack... beats double maths though. We break away from each other and I honestly don't know how much time has passed so I guess some cliches are true. We both smile at each other and I start giggling. That just happened. We just kissed. I never anticipated being that girl, the one that falls for Alex Reynolds. But I haven't. I haven't fallen for the popular fuck boy. I've fallen for the quiet, kind and caring one, the one that nobody else sees. I don't know why he hides this side of himself from everyone, but in a way I'm glad there's this part of him that's just for me. I want to do anything but go back to maths. I know it's wishful thinking but I can't help but look at the clock on the wall and pray it's almost the end of the day. It's only been about twenty minutes. Alex catches on to what I'm doing and I think he's going to suggest we had back to class but he has other plans.

'Come on,' he says, standing arm outstretched for me to take. I think back to that day on the bus, unable to believe it's not even been a week. A small nagging voice tells me that it's was too quick for me to have such a dramatic change in opinion but I'm too caught in the aftermath of that kiss to dwell on it. I don't allow myself to overthink. I don't want to ruin what I have, this feeling. I want to stay this way forever. All thoughts of Amelia are gone from my mind and I almost don't remember the panic attack. Almost, if not for the fact that I'm still reeling a little from it, and the kiss. I don't even question where Alex is taking me. Right now, I would follow him to the ends of the earth, the highest mountain, and the most active volcano. Anywhere. Alex isn't feeling quite as dramatic as that and instead we end up in the Library. I'm blissfully unbothered by the fact I have a goofy grin on my face and even when we walk hand in hand into the library, still with said smile plastered for all to see, and Jem looks at us over a bookshelf I don't stop.

'Oh, someone's changed their tune.' Jem jokes, faking a note of annoyance on her voice. She's still smiling and I realise that she is finding it amusing that not too long ago I was ranting at her about all of Alex's unwanted attention and now we definitely look like two kids who just kissed for the first time.

'Well, I guess you won't need my company today,' she winks at me and I know that she's happy for me, which is strange since most teachers would be appalled at such a "good student" like me being with Alex. We wander over to one of the little book nooks, a little space with sofas to snuggle up and read in, surrounded by books. They're pretty private spaces, which is nice, although it isn't as if the library is ever packed with people. We sit opposite each other, each on our own sofa.

'So,' Alex starts. I can tell by the tone of his voice that this isn't going to be a general conversation and I recall the question he asked me in maths before my panic attack.

'So,' I repeat back at him. I'm amazed I never saw how good he looks in the school uniform. The green in his tie bringing out tiny flecks of the colour in his predominantly blue and grey eyes.

'Is it safe to ask you about earlier?' he asks hesitantly. If it had been anyone else I'd be mad that they brought it up but before I can react he considerately adds,

'Or do you want me to drop it?' I pause before answering, thinking it over. But then I remember how I felt downstairs in the social area and I know that I can tell him. More than that, after the panic attack I need to tell him. I can't deal with this alone and I can't bother mum right now with everything happening with dad and the divorce. I have a look around, I need to make sure Jem is out of earshot. I might be wrong but I don't think she would appreciate me telling Alex about Amelia's problems. I do my best to tell him, organising my thoughts and try not to be a broken record. I have a good habit of not understanding a situation and then just saying 'I don't know what to do' over and over. I sort of expect Alex to tell me it'll be nothing or to not care but he looks... shocked? 'She didn't tell you?' he mutters under his breath, almost as if he didn't want me to hear. I assume he's just really into the gossip and can't believe my best friend would hide something from me but then he moves forward to sit on the edge of his seat, then he leans across to me and takes my hands once more.

'Liss, you need to go and see her. Talk to her - I know, I know, you've tried. But you need to tell her that you don't know what's going on but you want to help her, to support her. Because she needs support whether she knows it or not.' I'm taken aback by this advice. Alex seems extremely concerned for Amelia and I can't believe I thought he never noticed girls like us or ever cared about us. I try to take in the advice he's giving but there's one thing playing on my mind: he called me Liss.

'What? What's wrong?' Alex asks me. I don't want him to think I'm looking for problems with us already since we're not even, like, together, we just kissed but I want to know why he called me that. Nobody calls me that. Everyone just calls me El, if not Elissa. Except Amelia – Amelia calls me "Liss".

'What,' I hesitate, 'What made you call me that?' I need to know and if I don't ask now I'll never be able to. Confusion is written all over his face, as though calling me "Liss" is the most normal thing for him to do.

'What? "Liss"? It's just a nickname? Sorry, did I do something wrong?' and now I feel bad. Amelia wanted us to have nicknames for each other that nobody else uses, so I got "Liss" instead of "El" and she got "Me" instead of "Lia". I shake it off, telling him it doesn't matter, but deep down I'm sure there's a connection. After all, he knew about her appointment AND he was, like Jem, pretty desperate for me to talk to Amelia before calling me by her nickname for me. And what was it he said? "She didn't tell you?" replaying it in my head I don't think it was disbelief that my best friend didn't tell me, I think it was disbelief that Amelia didn't tell me. Tell me what, I don't know, but I think Alex does. I stop myself before I can accuse him of hiding things from me because I really don't want to be that person, and I'd much rather revel in the memory of that kiss with him. I don't want him to have anything to do with Amelia, and if Jem wouldn't tell me then Amelia must have asked it to be kept quiet. I don't want to ruin what Alex and I have, and if Amelia has been so desperate to keep me in the dark that she's somehow got Alex on her side then so be it. I don't care what Jem or Alex say, she can wait another day before I get to the bottom of it, but for now, now I just want to be lost in my world of book, with the boy I've fallen for. I want to find out everything about him I don't know because of my avoidance of him. I want to talk about books, films, favourite animals, restaurants, our dreams and goals. So I do. We spend the rest of the day in that little nook, just the two of us, revealing all the little details about ourselves that we don't think are important but that the other is making a mental note of. I want to watch his favourite films. Listen to the songs that speak to him and visit the hidden little inlet he's found and likes to go to when he needs a break. The one thing we don't talk about is family. I don't bring them up; I just can't talk about it. I might have before dad appeared to clear out his things after three years but not now, not with everything so raw – an old wound cut right back open. This time I don't know if it will heal again.