The Life You Love

Chapter 9/Part 2

I can't remember exactly how far along the pathway Alex took me before cutting into the trees since I've only been here once so I walk slower than I would like as I make my way along.

'ALEX!' I'm shouting his name, praying that he won't run away again. I need answers. I can't go on like this. I feel like everyone else knows what's going on except me. My phone beeps with a text from Amelia: "Hey, no worries about class. We had a sub anyway. Are you alright? Xx" I quickly glance at it and get right back to my search for Alex when my phone rings this time, an incoming call from Amelia.

'Lia, I don't have time to chat, I'm sorry. I'll tell you later - ' she talks over me.

'Sophie told me about earlier. Listen, Liss. Go to him. Talk to him. I should have told you before but we can chat about it later. Please just find him. Sophie told me what Alex was there for, about Tom - I know you don't know about him yet but whatever you do, please be easy on Alex. He's not having a great time.' She hangs up and I'm honestly dumbstruck. What. The. Fuck. Is going on?

'El?' the voice is barely audible, but it's enough for me to follow until I come across the inlet. It's as beautiful as ever and right there, on the same rock we sat on before is Alex. He's looking right at me, his face red and soaked. He curls his lips in to his teeth, fighting back the tears. He's still looking at me as he shakes his head.

'I should have told you.' He blubbers. Any anger I had before has gone. He looks broken. I drop my bag from my shoulders and run to him and throw myself down on the rock next to him wrapping my arms around his body, letting him cry, comforting him as best as I can. When his shoulders finally stop shaking and his cries are nothing more than small sniffs I pull back a little, still not fully letting him go. I keep my voice soft, I need him to know I don't hate him, that yes, he might have hurt me, but I'm here, and I'm ready and willing to forgive, to hear him out. To understand.

'Alex, please talk to me. Who's Tom?' I put one hand on his shoulder and the other on his knee, giving both a comforting squeeze. He's breathing heavy and I can tell he's fighting back even more tears. Finally he inhales deeply and I can see he's ready to get everything off his chest.

'Take your time. I'm here - and I will be for as long as you need me.' I give him a smile and he blows his breath out loudly.

'Okay. I should have done this so long ago. God, I watched Amelia suffer and kept telling her to talk to you and yet it's taken me this long to tell just one person. Only my family know this, you know - and Amelia, but then again, I knew about her so it was only fair. Tom...' he pauses, looking down at the ground beneath his feet.

'Tom is amazing. He's my brother.' I didn't even realise Alex had a brother but I say nothing, giving him this time to tell his story. This is his moment, not mine.

'I was so close to him when we were growing up even though he's five years older than me. He was amazing at rugby and even though he'd been offered loads of contracts he refused to leave school early. He wanted to complete his sixth year and get more qualifications. Mum used to bang on about back up plans so he wanted to make her happy and put off his dreams for one more year.' There's a smile in his voice at the memory of his brother. After a brief pause, he continues.

'But he never got to sixth year. After Halloween, the year I was in primary seven, he started getting distance with me. Mum put it down to the fact that he was nearly 17 and I was 12 - he was starting to mature and take school seriously but I was just a kid. Eventually we stopped seeing Tom around the house. He was always out at training but now he was going off to parties and sleeping all day. The school got involved as he was acting up in class and being reckless - he ruined any good reputation he'd had, instead replacing it with a bad one. He was a teenager. Nobody thought much of it, until one day when his exams had finished. He took me round to the field to play some rugby. He used to try and teach me and I remember him saying that he wanted to make sure I still had the skills. He always wanted me to follow in his footsteps and love the sport as much as him. I never had the heart to say I'd rather play football. He was acting weird, in that he was back to his old self for a while. But on the walk home he kept asking me weird questions - things like if I've been doing ok without my big bro by my side. If I wish he had taken contract so he wouldn't be around school when I move up so his reputation couldn't follow me around. I was just a kid - I shrugged him off, telling him I didn't know. I just wanted to know if mum was going to let me have the fancy ice cream for dessert that she'd bought. I wanted to go hang out with my friends and I just wanted to talk to Tom about video games and stuff, not school. Believe it or not, I was terrified about going to the Academy. I knew how big it was from going to see presentations and stuff that Tom was part of. Anyway, we should have seen the signs - I should have seen the signs. He came to me that day for help, all he wanted was one person to tell him they loved him, that they'd miss him. He needed to know he wasn't alone and people do care. But I just brushed him off, talking about fucking ice cream of all things.' He's getting angry at himself now, tears of guilt pouring down his face.