A Solitude in Hugs

17/story one/

I found a way to subtly tell my whole first period I had a date with a girl.

They were hollering and whistling like it mattered at all to me, little mischievous smirks lighting up the room. Dan only stared at me, his brown eyes burning deep with...nothing. He was just staring far into me like he had something he wanted to say but also like he didn't. Like he was speechless and curious at the same time.

Just blank.

I had to avert my eyes to keep from having it affect me, gulp and fix some things on my desk. He looked almost indifferent, almost imperfect. He looked like someone stole the light out of him in that moment, until he turned away towards his friends and a smile split his face at something they were talking about.

I couldn't believe he was like this.

I was down the whole day until I was about to leave, when suddenly he came into the classroom, his arms crossed. He raised his eyebrows at my shocked face, rolling his eyes. "Don't act so surprised. Should've known I'd come back around one of these days. I am in love with you, after all."

I couldn't speak. He ghosts me for a week after he kisses me and now he's just back? Of course I'm surprised. I thought he regretted it.

He comes in and sits on a desk, sighing loudly. "I'm only here because I'm jealous, I hope you know." He smirks at me. "I probably could've lasted another week before I started seeing my mistakes. But it's not your fault. It's all mine. You had to go and announce some girl when I know damn well that's not what you're looking for."

I frown at him. "Why did you kiss me and leave?"

He tilts his head. "I thought you knew? You don't think it's suspicious how much time I spend with you? There's enough rumors. Thought if we didn't know each other for a while they would clear up a bit. And they have. And now that you've announced your little girlfriend, they definitely have. Good job on that one."

I look at him like he's crazy. "What? I had no idea why you stopped talking to me."

Dan raised his eyebrows again. "Huh. Surprised you didn't ask me about it."

"I thought you were mad."

"Why would I be mad?"

"Because..." I feel myself grow nervous, butterflies erupting. "I just...I let you kiss me. And that's not right. I'm sort of your teacher right now, and I'm five years older than you, not four, so because you're under eighteen it's just...not okay. Even though you kissed me it's not okay."

He smiles. "I thought it felt very okay."

I blush. "Yeah, but it wasn't."

"So you agree? You liked it too?" He asks, still smiling.

I know what I have to say. And I also know what I want to say. And no part of me can choose.

"I...yes but no. No, I mean, no. I didn't like it."

He doesn't even frown, he just laughs. "I know you're just telling me what you think you should. That's adorable."

I hate him. Why is he so easy to fall in love with? Such a dick because of it. But also the cutest and nicest.

"I'm sorry, Dan." I say because I've made my choice. "But...even if I did like it I can't do it again. I'm not going to do it again."

Dan looked confused. "Why?"

I gulped, ready for the lie I knew I'd have to tell him. "I'm...I'm not in love with you too, Dan."

He seemed taken aback like there was no way that wasn't true. But he didn't say anything, just stared at me until the tears got to his eyes. Or maybe they didn't, maybe his eyes were always that shiny and bright. I watched the confidence drain from his face for only the third time ever.

"What?"

I gulp. "You've been such a great...friend to me. I mean you're absolutely amazing. But I would risk everything by being with you."

"Okay, yes, but what do you mean you're not in love with me? Pj said you told him that."

My eyes widened. "What?"

"You're telling me you didn't tell Pj yesterday that you were in love with me?"

"No, why would he say that?"

And Dan looks like he might fall off the edge of he world right there. Because that's it.

His hope and all of his beautiful enthusiasm subside and now he's such a mix of anger and hurt he won't even look at me. And I don't know who's fault it is, mine or Pj's.

Why would Pj say that?

"Dan..." I say, trying to get him to look at me. I feel so terrible for loving him. I feel so fucking terrible and I can't even explain it to him.

"So, you really just don't like me, huh?" He interrupts, meeting my eyes with his hair a bit over them. He pushes it aside and sniffles.

He's so beautiful.

"For now." I say, because in the future, I feel like I could love him unconditionally. And I forget about mistakes right then.

He tilts his head. "What do you mean?"

"In a year." I say very quietly. "Everything may change and you may have moved on, but if you haven't..."

His eyes light up, and I smile at it, weakly.

"If you're still waiting for me, I'll come to you."

He smiles. "So, right now you're not in love with me. But in a year you will be."

I nod as he catches on. "Right now I'm "not at all totally and 100% in love with everything that you do" but in a year, I'll tell you that right to your face."

He wipes away his previous tears and chuckles, he's so sweet when the dimples pop in his cheeks.

"Okay. I'll love you in a year too. I promise. And I won't start crying and ruin everything."

I laugh. "Please do. You're so amazing, Dan. I think you're one of the greatest people I've ever had the joy to meet. And you make my heart just...I can't even explain it. But for now, I'm going to have to tell you to have a good day."

He nods at my laughter, hopping off the desk and then hesitating for a moment; but then he pulls me in by my tie so fast I feel winded and he kisses me right over the desk. It's fast but the world still flips, everything's up when it once was down.

"That's better." He mumbles, and when we make eye contact he grins. "Can't wait for for the year to be over so I can do that again."

He let's go and I can't help how much I'm smiling, how just looking at him is making me so terribly happy when a second ago it was making me terribly sad.

Flipped.

"See ya in class, Mr. Lester." He winks, leaving me alone to my pounding heart and thoughts.

My mind wanders to Pj, who seems to be

B

E

Connected

ederededederedereder
connect

he
dan

split

scatter:control:alt

p     j

Hi, sorry for that. Let me just fix this for you.

[deleted]

-

AN:

who
AM
he
is

apart