A Solitude in Hugs

9/story one/

"I have a question, sir. And please, be honest with me."

I look at Dan and he looks distressed, as if something had really brought him down. I frown at how sad he looks. "What is it?"

"Louise says she saw Cara flirting with you...is it true?"

I mentally let out a breath of relief, as that's way better than something really terrifying he could've asked like "Hey, are you in love with me?" I would've passed out. Instead I look down at the floor. "I mean she...she said that...I was hot once, but you know I don't usually notice when someone is flirting."

"That's true." Dan said, "A million girls can flirt with you everyday after school, crowd around you, just to listen to you talk and you don't think it's flirting. Even when they twirl their hair endlessly, or laugh at everything you say, or lean in all close to you—you just don't see it, and it frustrates them a lot. But I know, when you think about it, you can see if they were flirting or not."

Dan leans in close to me, and my heart picks up. "So, was Cara flirting with you?" He whispers, and I notice everything about his body right then. I measure the distance from his nose to mine, how close his hands are and how gentle they are on the desk, the way he's leaning (so careless), and his shoulders are rolled and his collarbones are sticking out from his t-shirt, his long legs right in front of me, swinging slightly, his cracked pink lips, the way the sun highlights his brown hair, his deep eyes and long lashes and I notice the little moles and freckles all along his skin. I see him now, as he is closer than he's ever been and I cannot breathe.

My cheeks inflame. I don't mean for them to, but I know he sees. "I-I...yes."

I don't want for him to lean away. But he does with a sigh, putting his head in his large pretty hands, as if stressed out. "Fuck."

"What? What are you cursing for?"

He shakes his head. "Well, you just told me my girlfriend is flirting with you, for one. And I...you're not even the first to tell me. Pj, as much as I hate the bastard, tells me how unloyal she is every day. I never listen because, like I said, I hate him, but...fuck."

And he looks so sad. I think of all the times he would tell me how beautiful she is, go on about how much he likes her. He must feel heart broken. He lays down on the desk and he's staring at the ceiling in his silence, and he's so fucking beautiful.

I can't do it. I cant do it. I cant look at him anymore, feeling distressed over someone he loves when I...when I feel that way over him. [I can't not look at him he's right there] I love his voice, his dramatic moments, his yelling, his dancing, his calm face, his dimples, his heart that beats right out his chest, I love his stories, his light, I love it when he's laying down all love struck and happy, I love when he's so exhausted I just let him sleep for the whole detention! I love him! And all he does, he's so weirdly cool. I feel like shouting at him, I want to touch him, but I can't, I want to tell him about my own first heart break but my throat is all in a lump and caught up in everything Dan Howell.

Please, I beg, Don't you dare cry Dan Howell because I will kiss you, and once I get started I won't be able to stop.

I cannot stop.
No matter what Evan says.

"I'm sorry, Dan." I say, and he sighs yet again.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too." He mutters, "There goes my way out."

And I don't know what that means.

//

It was not a normal day. It was a Friday, and Dan served no more detentions with me. We had our last one on Wednesday, and he's so extra he brought a cake. He completely avoided any of the topics from the last session, which had been the first time I'd ever seen him sad, and instead we talked about anime and video games over red velvet cake and tea. It was nice, but I just wanted to kiss him.

Thursday, nothing. I had no tutoring session, private detentions, or cleaning duties. I went home and played on Evan's new Nintendo Switch until he came home, and then we ordered pizza and played it together.

And now is now, and it is just not a normal day. For one, I was the teacher all day. I got to be the substitute for all the classes. And not only was that nerve wracking, but kind of really cool, and I'd never had so much fun grading tests before. Another thing was, Dan was still acting like everything was okay. As far as I knew, he was still with Cara and nothing went on from Tuesday.

It kind of irked me, but I didn't say anything about it. It wasn't my business. Who Dan Howell (a seventeen year old student) was dating, is not any of Phil Lester's, a (twenty three year old man child's) business. It wasn't, no matter how much I made it my business.

It was just not a normal day.
But it was an okay one.

Second to last period of the day, there was yelling outside of my classroom. "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!" I, being the hero I am, opened up the door to see Dan punch Pj Liguori right in the face. He gets him on the ground and there's more yelling. I can't move for a second as he punches him again, but Pj's caught onto what's happening and he starts trying to kick Dan off, and gets him right in the jaw. But at this point I scramble to the middle of the circle that's crowded around them and I yank Dan off of him. (Or try)

"Dan!" I yell, "Dan, stop it! Get the hell off of him!" I shout, pulling him up. He's so angry it's like he can't hear.

"Fuck off!" He shouts, "He fuckin deserves it!"

"Dan, please." I say, and by now another teacher named Mrs. Kearney pulls Pj off the floor, who's holding his nose. "Take him to the nurse." I say to her, "I'll deal with Howell."

She nods, and the crowd parts as she drags Pj away and I drag Dan to my class. "Suck a dick, Howell!" I hear Pj shout, and Dan tries to go after him again but I throw him in my classroom and close the door. "Dan! What the hell was that about?"

"He's such a fuckin dick! Fuck everyone!" Dan shouts, kicking over a chair with all the adrenaline dripping off of him in red. "He was kissing Cara when I came to walk her home in the fuckin stupid locker room and fuck him! Fuck everything, Lester, she was my way out! That fuckin beautiful girl that doesn't give a damn about me or anything and I don't want to care but I do! Fuck it, fuck her, fuck mother fuckin Liguori he wanted me to see that he owns me that he knows me that he's won and I can't do shit about it, Mr. Lester! I can't win, I can't win, that fuckin prick that just wants to hurt me!"

"Dan-"

"I can't take it, you know he truth! They can all know the truth! They can keep calling me that fuckin stupid fag that fuckin gives blowjobs for food or something fuckin stupid that's not even fucking true and I will keep hiding it all away. Fuck Cara, fuck her for it all, fuck it!" And he puts his head in his hands, and his shoulders are shaking and I realize he's sobbing. He's so angry he's crying.

I rush to hold him up, and he grabs onto me like I'm all that matters, his fingers digging to my shirt and he buries his face in my chest and keeps sobbing, soaking through my shirt. "So fuckin stupid." He mumbled, "I'm so fuckin stupid."

I can't breathe. He can't breathe either, he's inhaling so sharply. And I really don't know how long we stand there, but eventually he pulls away. "I'm sorry." He mutters, "I don't mean to...I'll just go."

"Wait." I call, and I don't know why. I just don't want him to think he has to apologize when I don't mind at all. I don't want him to go.

He turns around and I don't know what to say. I pause before saying, "I'll see you in detention."

For some reason, that makes him smile. I can't tell if it's real or not. He nods. "Yeah, you definitely will."

-

AN: we're getting to "the part"
mwahaahahahahaha