Consequences

Chapter 2

Lucy's POV

I wake up covered in a layer of sweat, tears rolling down my face, shivers spreading all over my body. It felt so real I could have sworn it was actually happening again and just like the first time, I couldn't do anything to stop it.
   
I look at my phone and see that it's still 4am but I know I won't be able to sleep... I never am. So I sit up and hug my knees, burying my face in them and I can't stop the sobs from leaving my mouth and the tears from slipping out of my eyes.
   
These restless nights seem like a constant in my life, lately. Ever since it happened I haven't been able to have a good night of sleep. Some nights are worse than the others... this one being one of the worsts for the last weeks. At first, I took some pills to sleep but they never worked so I decided to stop. I thought it would get better with time... I thought the nightmares would stop, eventually. It's been 6 months and nothing's changed and I don't know how much longer I can handle this. It's been haunting me, destroying me. For the last 6 months I've tried to avoid as much people as I can, not wanting to burden them with my problems but the fact that I've been bottling up all my feelings and haven't talked about it with anyone is consuming and killing me slowly. Even though I want to talk about it I have no one to talk to. That person would most likely be Ian, under normal circumstances, but I can't tell him what happened. I wouldn't be able to see the look of disgust and hate in his eyes... the disappointment and hurt. That's why I left without saying anything at all.
   
I know I shouldn't have left like that but I also know there was no way I could see him let alone talk with him. When I saw him standing by the door of my dressing room, last morning, I couldn't even look at him in the eyes, how was I supposed to talk with him? And yes I could have texted but I knew that ignoring him was the only way to keep him away. I know him, and I know he would have never let me leave like that. He'd have started asking questions... questions I wasn't and still am not ready to answer. So I ignored him. It was either that or saying something that would make him leave but that implied hurting him and I couldn't do that... not after what happened.
   
Looking back, I think leaving was the best decision. I had to get away from everyone... I needed time to think, get away from my ordinary life and Vancouver was the way I found to have all of that and have work to occupy myself with.

After staring at the dark for a few minutes I go to the living room. It's really early and I won't be needed on set until later this evening so I really don't have anything to do and could use some fresh air so a few episodes of Friends later, I go to my bedroom and wear my running clothes and a few minutes later leave the house.
   
I run until I reach a little clearing that I randomly found a few months ago and, since then, has been the place I go to when I need to think. I sit by the little lake and stay there thinking. Just thinking. Thinking about what I am going to do now that Ian found me, how I'm going to avoid him and make him leave without hurting him and about what I'm going to do with my life when we wrap Life Sentence... but mainly to think about Ian.
   
   
FLASHBACK
   
"See you tonight." Elliot says, leaving my dressing room. "This time I'll try to get to your apartment before the ice cream melts." He says and we both laugh.

"You better. See you later." I say and he kisses my forehead. He's my closest friend here. He's funny and we have fun together but he doesn't really know anything about me.

I walk him to the door and once he leaves I look around, getting ready to go back in. That's when I notice them. The blue eyes I'd recognize anywhere. His eyes. The eyes of the man I love... the man I haven't seen for way too long. If at first I was happy to se him, that feeling quickly went away when I remembered all he reasons why I left. Tears immediately fill my eyes but I do my best to hide them.

He stands there without saying anything, studying my face and I feel so exposed... naked. We've always been able to read each other like open books and right now I'm not so sure that's a good thing.