stray kids ; changlix | crash ↺

20 | float

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"where are we going?" felix's voice a whisper against the storm, murmuring into the skin of my neck as his arms clutched onto me from behind.

"somewhere," i replied absentmindly, my eyes focused on the grave paths before us as we cycled through.

he sighed, body plastered against mine as i felt him shiver.

winds rushed with us, street-lights dimmed by, and the rain felt like blades cutting through our shoulders. the night died into utter nothingness and left everything to rot in heartless chaos around us.

i was completely out of breathe, my sight blurry, and my fingers sliding off their grip as i cycled on, trudging my way downtown in hopes to escape the thundering skies. my feet slipped off their pedals, my chest ached, but all i could do was think about felix.

—the boy who was leaning tenderly against my back, the boy who made my summer like no other i've ever had, the boy who owned my heart in the palms of his hands.

i halted, pulling the brakes with my numbing touch as i looked up to see my favourite place on earth. and maybe it was cliché to bring us here — but i didn't know where else to go.

"is that— is that a library?" felix's words stuttered.

i nodded, too cold to say anything as i climbed off and pulled the taller boy behind me, taking his hand into mine as he kept close. with that, i managed to drag my bike under the stone stairs, a hiding spot i knew all too well.

"are we going to break in? changbin i—" he kept muttering, eyes running scared.

"do you trust me?" i suddenly turned to face him.

caught off guard, felix brought his gaze down, "after today—" he hesitated for a moment, but something let him go, "—i love you, of course i trust you."

i couldn't help but let a small smile overtake my lips as my cheeks unnoticeably blushed and my heart skipped a beat.

"then don't say anything and let me try fix my mistakes, at least one step at a time," i averted my gaze and reached into my hoodie pocket, knowing that my set of keys was just where i left them last time.

felix attentively watched me shuffle through all of them, one from the front door, one from the back, one from the shed, one from chan's house, and well, one from the library.

i could see his lips twitch in curiousity beside me, his shoulders tense by second as i rummaged through and managed to pull the door open after first click.

it was a small place — a small place with a big world inside.

my grandfather's old library, which he passed down to my own father before his death, was more of a research centre than anything else. people used to come down to the corner store to have scientific discussions and chat about plants, read encyclopedias and simply enjoy the nerdy atmosphere. myself and jisung would come down to do our homework, getting answers to agriculture studies from the visitors all around, hearing stories from afar and always learning something new.

"this is my grandfather's old place," i told felix as we walked in, turning on the rusty lights, "my parents met here, and i spent most of my childhood here with my dad."

felix's eyes were busy walking on the details of the old shack to notice my shivering tone as i brought him inside. alignments of bookshelves, wobbling tables and dusty walls, creaking floors, leaking ceilings and adoring memories that stood out to this day.

"how come you never brought me here before?" he pondered with a small smile.

i faltered in my steps, "my dad closed it down last spring after getting a new job and— and after that i just stopped coming here. i guess i just forgot about it," i scratched the back of my neck nervously.

felix hummed in response, fingers dancing along the wooden surfaces of old stories that made me the person that i was to this day.

and i couldn't help but stare at him as i stood in a trance, his freckles were like constellations that i memorised from books when i was little, his lips pursed in concentration as his eyebrows furrowed in wonder of what to say. and maybe i always thought of his sunshine smile and broken speech at the first calling of his name but — felix was so much more than that.

he was a scatter of warmth on cold nights, with hands that always held mine in reassurance, with eyes that searched mine in the darkness and with kisses that were like flames against my lips. he was the one who always put too much sugar in his tea, always stuttering on his words and then growing pink right afterwards. and maybe i've never been in love before, but — we start somewhere, right?

because i knew that i loved felix, almost from the very start.

"i'm sorry," i suddenly called out, my chin rooted down as tears slipped from my eyes.

"changbin—"

"—no, let me talk," i interrupted, turning away because i couldn't dare to look at him. "when you first showed up on the doorstep of my house, soaking through and shaking cold, my first thought was — how could someone be so beautiful without even trying? but soon enough, i found out that you weren't just what your looks showed on the outside. because in truth, you adored hugs and looked for excuses to cuddle by my side, you always smiled and kissed me goodnight in fear that i'd disappear the next morning. you hid a story behind you, you drowned your secrets in hopes that they would disappear while you were happy here with me. and i— i thought i was doing the right thing. i thought your parents would see how genuinely happy you were, and maybe let you stay—"

"—changbin," felix whispered, "they'll never let me stay," he echoed as the storm crashed against the window.

———

written: march 01-03, 2018 | 00:33

idk if you know, but it's the end of the world here in ireland. it's snowing like mad for the first time in like 40 years— (we never get snow) schools are closed, buses and trains don't work, people set shops on fire.

but i hoped that you liked this chapter, sorry i haven't been in a mood to write lately.