It All Started In Rehab ✓

[Chapter Thirty-Eight] Too Many Emotions

Chapter Thirty-Eight- Too Many Emotions

Bailey's Pov

As the days went by I felt like my feelings were tearing me apart from the inside and there were so many I didn't even know what the hell I was feeling anymore. I was angry, sad, depressed, happy, anxious, violent, tired, scared and the list goes on.

Julian was at a loss on what to do any I couldn't rely on him to always fix everything. He had his own problems and I'm not stupid enough to think I was the only one hurting from Lacey's suicide.

I still don't know why she did it, what changed in only a few hours? The feelings that were starting to scare me the most were that I understood why; I understood that she wanted to take her life and that she didn't want to live anymore because I felt those too sometimes.

Sometimes I entertained the thought of doing it but seeing Julian smile at me or hearing him tell me he loved me made me feel sick for even thinking about it. I would never forgive him if he followed Lacey and I don't want him to feel what I would feel.

I know I should be stronger but right now he was the only connection I had to this world, he was the only think that kept those thoughts from my mind. I already almost relapsed so how the hell am I going to make it out there?

There will be temptation and I know Macy's going to come to collect, how am I going to be able to resist her? She loves fucking everyone's life up, it makes her feel good inside I guess so if she could drag me down again that would make her happy.

I think that I was taking a toll on him too because I know he's been leaving me at night after I fall asleep probably because he can't stand all the crying and the depression. I was going to bring him down too.

I know he loved me and I truly loved him but there is only so much I can ask of him and he's already done so much for me. I know he would even put off being released for me too and I can't let him do that.

I just can't stand hurting him anymore. I can't stand the emotions I fell and I can't stand not knowing what I'm even feeling. I hate crying I hate being sad and everything would be okay if Lacey wasn't so fucking selfish!

How can she just do that without thinking how it would affect me or Julian, let alone her freaking family who would do anything for her and absolutely adored her! She was lucky, she would have had a family to go home too, people to support her.

I was just angry all the time at her but then I would be upset because how can I be mad at her when she's gone, I loved her and it's not right for me to be angry but at the same time I was because she was gone and it went back and forth.

I just didn't know what to do and Robert was trying to help but maybe I just wasn't letting him because I didn't want it. Maybe I was tired of everyone helping me and not knowing how to help myself.

This was my mess and I should be able to fix it without dragging everyone else down too.

Julian was already spending as much time as he could away from me without it being suspicious but I knew. I knew he didn't want to deal with all my problems anymore. He was doing so good, even with Lacey and the problems with his family, he was handling it well.

He didn't sit there crying about it he accepted it and accepted there was nothing that could be done to take it back, he was moving on while I was dwelling in the past, dwelling on why.

I just couldn't accept it without knowing why.

"Hey pretty girl." Julian tried to wrap his arm around me but I just shrugged him off and went to curl up into bed "What's wrong?" he asked and I shook my head. I didn't want to talk I didn't want to get into this now.