It All Started In Rehab ✓

[Chapter Twenty-One] Looking Back

Chapter Twenty-One- Looking Back
Julian's Pov

I could feel how I moved into a deep depression. It felt like my world was crashing around me all over again and I just felt like I was drowning in my emotions. I cried so much that I felt like I couldn't be a real man. I should be strong and this was just weakness.

I lay awake with Bailey in my arms. She's gotten comfortable with me over the last few weeks and her small body was wrapped up in one of my t-shirts and besides her underwear that was all she was wearing.

It was getting harder every day to control myself around her. As she lay there pressed against my body, her leg over mine and her thigh under my palm I felt a burning need for her that I knew wasn't acceptable. Not because it was breaking the rules I could care less about the damn rules. The only thing that kept me from acting on it was that it was against what she believed in.

I kept telling myself that but sometimes that just made it worse.

Knowing that I was the first man to kiss her gave me a thrill every time I did. Knowing that no man has ever touched her like I wanted to, it all made me want to do it even more. But the one that got me most was how shy she got around me, how she trembled when I ran my hand up her thigh, her inexperience and how nervous I made her was the biggest turn on to me.

I was used to very experienced women and I thought that was what mattered, how good they were and what they could do for me. I was so coked up that I didn't give a fuck about much else.

This was something I've been talking with Robert about it and he told me that everything I was feeling was normal.

When things got hard I turned to drugs, alcohol and sex. Drugs and alcohol kept me in an illusion that everything was fine and kept me from feeling the negative and sex was the thing that made me feel. It was my way for human contact and I lived like that for years.

Sex was the first thing I turned too after I couldn't cope with Sara but that only could last so long. I kept one partner for a while until she would get too attached and then I started drinking. Drinking made everything matter less and then I didn't give a fuck about much else other than shooting good movies.

I could pretend for a while I was the person I was playing and they were always such golden boy roles that it fed into the fantasy that it was all okay.

When that wore off and wasn't enough I turned to drugs which were working just fine for me until my manager decided that there was something wrong.

With drugs and alcohol out of the question since I was here for he said it was only natural that my desires would be a lot more intense since it was the last thing I could be tempted with in here.

But sex is easy, feelings were hard.

Taking sex out of everything made my bond with her more real. We talked about life and were slowly building up to the bigger things.

And my feeling for her made me feel like shit every time I had an urge to be with her.

I sighed and held her tighter and ran my hands through her hair as I tried to figure everything out. There were so many things bounding around in my head and I just didn't know where to start with trying to get it all together.

I back tracked my life. I could remember how I felt just a month ago. The hate I felt for everyone in here because I just didn't want to be here. Four months and they barley got anywhere with me. I was less violent than when I got here but that was about it.

Unless it came to Robert or my dearest but annoying cousin.

Before I got in here there was a l that I either blanked out or couldn't quite remember it was all pretty hazy. I remember going through scenes and going to premiers for movies. There were a lot of parties and traveling which only made my habits worse.