A Little Bit Of Joy | ✔

Chapter Eighteen : The Boy Who Wasn't Loved

I took a sharp breath and remarked, "Liz was always stubborn."

"Yeah, she was." I heard Katherine's light laughter and the tension in her voice seemed to ease. "She was so stubborn right from childhood. If she wanted something, she would be so firm and create so much chaos until we surrendered. She would turn the house upside down."

"Yeah, she was stubborn but beautiful. She was so beautiful, she still is in our hearts," I murmured while trying to suppress the suffocation I was feeling.

Tell me Liz, did I unknowingly kill you?

"She will always be beautiful in our hearts. I wish she had hope for herself . . . If she had, maybe she would have lived. The statistics wouldn't have mattered if she had hope," Katherine said in a much calmer tone.

"Yeah," I breathed and suddenly, I heard Simon's voice in the background.

"Sorry, I got to go JJ, thanks for calling. See you around," she bade farewell and hung up the call.

I plopped on my bed and fresh tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't know why, but I started to cry again as I shoved the spoonful of beans and rice in my mouth. I couldn't taste anything other than my salty tears. Even if I did influence her decision innocuously, intentionally, I could have given her hope, especially when we both were in the same situation.

I heard the doorbell ring and some noises from downstairs.

Suddenly, I heard Shaun's voice, "JJ, Logan is over here! I'm sending him upstairs!"

Why was he here? Did something happen to him?

I roughly wiped my tears, placed the unfinished plate of food on the table and quickly sat up.

"Hey," I greeted when Logan entered awkwardly, fidgeting with his long sleeves. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." He quietly sat beside me on the bed where I had pointed him to sit.

"How were the sessions with the counsellor? Is it making you feel better--- "

"How are you?" he interjected and continued bravely, "Everything's fine with me and it's not about me-it's about you. I came here to know if-if you were okay. If you feel fine or if you need someone to talk to."

"Thanks, Logan, but I'm fine," I lied, but he saw right through me because he shuffled closer to me as I instinctively shrank back, my back hitting the wall. He lifted his finger gingerly and touched my cheek with his feather-like the ghost of a touch. He then withdrew his hand slowly. A drop of my salty tear was traitorously sitting on the tip of his finger.

"This doesn't show you're fine," he stated calmly and leaned back. "I heard about Eliza from your grandfather, so I came here to check on you. I'm sorry about her . . . She was a close friend of you, so I don't think you're feeling fine about this. Are you feeling fine Joy?"

"No, I'm not feeling fine, Logan," I whimpered and bit my bottom lip hard to stop it from trembling. "I-I feel like I influenced her decision, you know? Before going for her-her operation, she asked me whether I would do this if-if I was in her place and I-I said-said y-yes. If I-I h-hadn't maybe-maybe . . . "

I sobbed and I didn't realize that Logan was rubbing my back. I rested my head on his shoulder for comfort and he didn't seem to mind. He remained silent for a while until I stopped crying.

Tell me Liz, did I unknowingly kill you?

"No Joy, you didn't," Logan said softly, snapping me out of my thoughts. "We're quick to blame ourselves when something happens to the people we care about. It wasn't your fault, it was her decision. Her choice. You didn't make that decision for her, she did it by herself. It wasn't a bad decision, nobody could have predicted the future. It was what she thought would be the best for her."

"But I could have given her hope when she needed it," I whispered and I could feel his shoulders slumping.

"You could have, but every person you come across, every person you're close to, isn't your responsibility. You both weren't so close these past days and that's why you couldn't see what she needed. Again, it's not your fault that you couldn't see, it's not. If she would have asked for your support, I'm sure you would have given it to her," he said, his voice not once faltering and gently stroked my back. "Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah, I'm and I understand. I was not crying out of guilt, I was crying out of frustration, out of anger that I could have done something," I said in a squeaky voice and he just hummed in response. "But now I know that I didn't have anything to do with her decision, she would have never allowed me to make her decision just like she didn't allow Katherine. Still, I can't stop crying. I-I miss her so much and I feel like I should continue grieving for her."

"Why?" His eyebrows knotted in confusion as I straightened my posture and glanced at him."Eliza loved you and when a person loves you, they don't want to see you in pain. Stop crying now, Joy."

He was staring at me intensely and I stopped sniffing.

I inhaled deeply and said, "Okay, I won't cry anymore, you're right. But sometimes, you-you need to listen to your own advice Logan."

His forehead creased. "What?"

"The thing that you're doing to yourself-the pain you're going through. The people who love you and care about you--- "

"No one loves me," he bellowed and I shook my head.

"I do. I love you like I loved Eliza and I do care about you. I do care about you a lot," I said softly and he averted his eyes to the floor.

"Stop saying that. You don't need to say that out of pity--- "

"No, I do care about you. You're precious Logan, don't think otherwise."

"Stop!" He suddenly raised his voice and I flinched. He got up swiftly and strode towards the desk to pick up a newspaper. Not just any newspaper, but the newspaper where the article of his family's death in the car crash was published.

* * *
A/N :

Joy saying that she loves Logan, it wasn't anything romantic yet, but purely friendly.