The Coño Boy 3: Love What You Will

Chapter Eighty-Seven: Four Guys, A Lawyer, and Four Office Tables

Can this week get any worse than it already is?

*What the eff, Gay Bathalas! A little slack here naman! Por que ba we're busy with Santa Martha, you're making tampo in your rainbow slide up there in Kaluwalhatian!*

We're all seated inside a small office here at the ground floor of the municipio. My Dad, who has probably the worst timing of all, was there at Salubong this morning! While Joaquin and Jake were starting World War III, my Dad happens to make his planned public appearances on certain religious events! Hello, it's not even an election year!

*Of all the days of Holy Week, right? He makes sulpot like it's really nothing. You can't even get your driver to pick me up last Wednesday, duh!*

If there's someone that Jake looks up to, it's my Dad: Guillermo "Guimo" San Dejas —his Ninong, the Father he never had. And the Father I have but wasn't really available as much these past few years! Jake's face? Hindi mai-pinta. I think this situation is something that neither any of us thought we'd be in.

*Well, last Friday pa, If you're keeping track.*

I mean who has access to the municipio on Easter Sunday?

Well, my Dad, for sure. Isang sabi lang, bukas agad si Manong Security.

It's better than the police station, right? Knowing my Dad, I would not put it past him if he dragged all four of us to the police station. I've seen him do it dati when nagka-gulo sa plaza during a fiesta. These teenagers were being rowdy because some famous ban was playing and the show had to stop for quite some time and Vice Mayor Guimo San Dejas was there like Moses and he parted the Red Sea. Okay, enough with the religious reference.

This room is so small. Nakaka-claustrophobic. There's an old wooden table tapos may 6 chairs in one side of it then like three office tables na piled with paperwork and the ubiquitous office stuff you'd find in government offices. We were told to sit on the table, magka-harap kami ni Iñigo while Jake's face to face with Joaquin. I'm waiting for the punchline or even yung sudden shock of waking up na I'm back in my room and all this is a dream.

*T@nginamess, kagabi ka pa Sean sa dream and nightmare analogies! Kasalanan mo naman ito! Dapat kasi sa may bintana ka na lang nanood ng Salubong!*

Guillermo, Dad: So, care to explain why you boys are at each other's throats in the middle of the plaza so early this Easter Sunday morning?

No one's saying anything.

Guillermo, Dad: Anyone? Sean?

*So parang secret agreement na itong vow of silence ha, don't say anything.*

I look at Iñigo, and he's looking back at me. I lightly move my head left to right trying to communicate to him to not say anything. He raises both his eyebrows in response.

*Yes na 'yon. Sana naman agreed na tayo on that.*

Guillermo, Dad: You, hijo —hindi ba you're Enrique Zeñarosa's boy?

I look sternly at Iñigo. Sana lang he's going to shut up.

Iñigo: Yes, sir. Iñigo po, Sir.

*Hanggang diyan lang, Iñigo, please!*

Guillermo, Dad: Would you like to explain on behalf of them?

Iñigo's keeping quiet.

*Thank you! I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt na nice ka naman pala. So go with the flow lang, please!*

Guillermo, Dad: Okay. You're decided to keep your silence. Ikaw, hijo, who are you, by the way?

I catch Joaquin shoot me a quick look. This is probably the first time I've seen him this lost. His usual cool, calm, and collected air eh mukhang na-suntok lahat ni Jake away from him —yan ay kung tumatalsik ang self confidence once you get punched. And his face doesn't look it it's any better. Alam niyo yung stage when the purple of the pasa is starting to settle over the red? That's what I can see, right now.