pause // dan howell x reader

Chapter 44 - Finally

me: "i'll update every 4 days"
also me: *updates 10 months later*

Your POV

Dan lays on your lap as you stroke his hair. You're trying to stop the bleeding, but there's red everywhere.

Any second now.

The ambulance is almost here, you can feel it. The siren blaring, the blue and red light flickering.

Any second now.

Dan could faint. You rub his hand and whisper for him to hold on. He's slowly losing rationality and sense of self.

"Are my legs tied up?" He asks, turning to look at you as if that's a normal question.

"What? No..." You say, glancing down at his feet.

"Okay, good. She didn't get me." He nods to himself. You furrow your brow, but you decide to not question him. His eyes drift off and he focuses his attention somewhere else.

-

You are in the hospital hallway, hunched in your chair. You tap your feet nervously. You're having déjà vu. Reliving the time that Dan broke his leg. Only this is scarier and colder. You hug yourself and move your hands to create some heat. Why is it so cold? Why can't you make the cold go away?

The doctor asked Dan how and when he hit his head, and what his symptoms are. They ran some small tests to see if his memory or concentration is affected. They also checked his balance, coordination and some other reflexes.

His behaviour is still unusual so they're doing an MRI scan to check for brain damage.

Please, no brain damage.

You begin to worry at the thought. The thought of Dan being in pain. Imagine if he lost his memory. What if he forgot who he was? Would he even remember his family? What about you? Would he remember the time he kissed you in the arcade? The time he tickled you till you cried? Cuddling in the blanket fort? Would that all mean nothing to him?

You focus on the lines along your palm. You can feel yourself trembling.

You're calm.

You breathe in and out. You can feel yourself wavering.

You're calm.

You gaze at the marble pattern of the floor. You can feel yourself losing it.

You're starting to believe that you're not calm.

A nurse wearing green scrubs enters the hallway. You look up at her with a hopeful expression.

"Are you Y/F/N?" She inquires, clinging a folder close to her chest.

"Yes." You answer eagerly and sit up straight.

"Daniel Howell is in a stable position." She says and you let out a breath of relief. "We inform you to take him home to rest. He must avoid any extreme activities."

"Of course." You nod in agreement and follow the woman to his room.

You step through the doorway. A dim yellow lamp is switched on in the corner. Its light reflects off the white walls. Dan is staring at the bed, fiddling with the sheet in his fingers. He looks up at you in surprise. His eyes are like hot chocolate, warm and sweet. He smiles at you and like magic, the coldness, the icy worry, it all just melts away.

-

You drive Dan back to your apartment. There is no way in hell you're risking him sleeping at his flat. You swiftly steer around a corner; the streetlights peeking into the car and flooding their golden light.

"This is so itchy," Dan complains, fiddling with the bandage on his head. You stifle a small chuckle.

"You'll get used to it." You smile. "I mean, you have been a cripple before."

"Excuse thee." He stubbornly turns away from you to look out the window. "You can stop being a little shit."

"Whatever you say."

-

It's an early Saturday morning. You fix up Dan's breakfast tray. The smell of toast, sausages and eggs wafts in your apartment. You walk into your bedroom holding the tray. The curtains are slightly drawn back to show a trickle of sunlight. Dan's eyes slightly open as he lies against the bed head.

"Morning Sunshine." You say as you place the tray of food on his lap, along with a kiss on his head. "How are you holding up?" You carefully straighten out the bandage on his head. He hums a reply back.

You sweep your finger across his forehead, bringing the hair away to reveal a patch of freckles. Dan looks up at you, the morning sun glowing in his eyes.

"Your phone rang a few times." He says as he picks up his fork.

You twist around to grab it off the bedside table. The lock screen is filled with missed calls from F/N. Your stomach drops. A lump forms in your throat.

"Who called?" Dan asks. You peer up into his curious eyes and quickly look back down.

"Um, just F/N." You toss the phone aside.

"Aren't you going to call her?" He says with a mouthful of toast. 

"Yeah," You shuffle uncomfortably. "Yeah, I will." You repeat. Dan quirks an eyebrow at you.

You get lost in thought, but Dan brings you back with a touch of your hand.

"Tomorrow, can you please help me unpack at the new apartment?" He asks.

"No, idiot. You can't do anything physical."

"Trust me, I don't want to." He smiles that familiar smile. "Let me rephrase. Tomorrow, can you please unpack everything?" Dan tries to convince you with puppy dog eyes and a cute grin.

"How is that fair?"

"Trust me it is. I have to put up with you, so this is the least you can do to repay me." Again, he smiles playfully. You want to wipe it off his charming, dumb face.

You move closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder. He places his hand on your thigh and gives it a few gentle rubs with his thumb.

"We have to do something about Polly," Dan states. "I don't want her to go too far and hurt you." He interlocks his fingers with yours.

"She's hurt you too." You comforted him. He hums back and calmly looks out the window. Something about that hum tells you that he'll happily take it. He'll take any pain Polly throws your way. 

You watch his face. His eyes stare out the window, tracing the streets and flickering to the pops of colour in the trees. The rich brown of his eyes becomes glossy. The corner of his mouth dips like a falling kite. He goes to speak but hesitates, pressing his lips together for a split second. You remain silent, showing you're listening.

"I could have died." He keeps his eyes on the world outside. Avoiding any confrontation. "I would have died and I would have made it." He inhales sharply. 

Your heart aches. It hurts to see somebody so generous and beautiful in so much sadness. 

"I would have finally-" He says, tripping over his wobbly voice. 

You settle him down by cupping one hand on his face and smoothing his cheek with your thumb. He doesn't break his teary gaze from the window.

"I would have-"

"Shh, it's okay." 

"I would have finally..."

long time, no see  :)

thank you so much for reading and being patient. i love you so much and i promise things will get veryyy interesting soon.