Memories of Summer

[A Memory of Summer: Oliver]

The sky is innocently blue as a swing on a quiet playground is swinging back and forth, over and over. The speed has almost died out since there is no one sitting on it. On their way from the playground is two bigger boys who laugh together as they look from time to time over their shoulders and see the boy with now ripped jeans that sits in the sand.

Angry tears are stinging in the eyes of the boy with a similar appearance as his sister. His name is Oliver Collins and you might think that this was something new for him. But this is his everyday life. Apparently pushing, beatings and mean words still brings satisfaction for some people. Ollie himself can't understand why, but he can see it from the smiles of his bullies.

What he cries about is that the poem everyone in his class was supposed to write for mother's day, is torn in half. No matter how many times he tries to hold the two papers together it feels like the poem has lost its life. Before it was actual words speaking to the reader, now they are just uneven letters that are looking just as empty as their owner.

Ollie tries to rise from the ground but even though the sand is slipping thru his fingers when he feels it, it's one of the most solid things in his life. He looks, not without hesitation and a little fear over his shoulder to see if the boys have left or not. But there isn't a person as far as he can see.

Oliver once again sits down on the swing that had been the only witness to what has just happened. He hadn't thought about the idea to actually write a poem for his class to read but to actually leave it for Maggie to read, if she would ever decide to come home.

The thirteen-year-old kicks his foot in the sand and feels how a frustration he doesn't totally know how to handle comes over him. Why is he missing someone who chose not to be with him? Why is it her attention he is longing for, and not the ones that actually talk to him daily? He once again looks down at his hand and feels how the paper feels empty in his eyes, it has lost all its value.

His so-called mother hasn't called in years. There are no videos of her and in his house, just to mention her name is like cursing. He doesn't want to admit it, but sometimes he even has a hard time picturing her. 

What is a woman that leaves her family like?

The boy starts to swing his body together with the swing and as he does so he starts to rip the paper into smaller and smaller pieces. And just when it feels like he is about to shoot up into space and leave all his worries to rest for a while he lets go of the small pieces. Some are brought by gravity and sail down to the sand, while some others are caught by the wind and are carried away like small white snowflakes of carelessness.

At night I can't sleep, I'm thinking too deep.

About all the things I'm supposed to know, but I'm just feeling low.

Everyone I let someone into my life, behind their back there is a knife.

They wear a fake smile from the beginning, it just feels like I'm never winning.

I really try yes I do, and I wonder if it's me or really you.

Anywhere I go, I can never see any glow.

Bad things always seem to follow, I'm starting feeling hollow.

And when the press is too much is too much, I can't even feel my own mom's touch.

While tears are rolling down my face, everything feels out of place.

Everybody seems to play a game that isn't fair, how do they dare?

I keep provoking that ache, how much more until I break?

They always tell you others people have it worse, so it's not okay to put yourself first.

They laugh if I say depression, as if it's some kind of question.

How will they ever understand, if they just think I can't take a stand?

I'm not asking for a crown, just for the world to slow down.

It feels like time is running out of my hands, like I'm in some kind of trans.

Remember when they said you got your whole life ahead of you, when I looked at my own world I didn't believe it was true.

Because the society that we live in, got my whole world spinning.

Just a second thought, maybe if my life didn't feel like a knot.

People might actually appreciate me, that's a person I wanna be.

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Your dearest,

6th of April