Cang Xi's Story

Letting Go

Cang Xi remained silent as Xiao Xin Yu spoke. When he paused she would listen to the pitter patter of the rain, but her mouth never opened.

Xiao Xin Yu took a deep shaky breath and continued. "I immediately summoned the doctor, but he said you had lost too much blood. He said the baby was long gone and that you would follow him soon enough. I nearly went mad when I heard that!" Tears continuously flowed down from the corners of his eyes, the terror and pain from that day had been so horribly heavy and so perfectly imprinted in his mind!

"But what the doctor said only became worse as he continued to explain. He told me that your condition had been result of a poisoning, a cruel type of poison. The poison would accelerate your blood and force your body to continue producing more and more blood, it made it virtually impossible for you to stop bleeding while at the same time your body would never stop producing blood. Th-this would have continued even if you had died." Xiao Xin Yu's breath became shallower as he continued to speak.

Cang Xi felt her eyes sting as she bit down hard on her lips. Lowering herself to her knees she hugged Xiao Xin Yu and cried with him. Only then did she finally speak to him. "If that was the case, what did you do? How am I still alive?" She asked through her tears.

Xiao Xin Yu opened his teary eyes and revealed how Mo Xi Lin had become involved. "There is only one cure for this type of poison, the Lilyblith serum. The serum is precious, and aside from the one kept by the Emperor only Duke Mo had this type of antidote. I begged him for it, but he gave me only one choice. He agreed to give me the antidote with the condition that I willingly marry his daughter as my legal wife.... I'm sorry." He apologized sincerely but even so he still felt so guilty, he couldn't forgive himself because he could not protect her!

Cang Xi squeezed him tighter. Oddly enough, she had been the one who was actually hurt, but she felt like he had hurt more than she. It made her sad that such a vivacious man had been brought to tears like this.

Xiao Xin Yu continued his tale, trying to say all the words at once so as not to think about it anymore. "Mo Xi Lin delivered the medicine and added one more condition. Without her permission I would not be able to see you, furthermore, I was to humiliate you, so you would not seek me out.... Do you know, that day I wanted to hold you tightly and ask for your forgiveness? Do you know, I wanted to slam my head on the nearest pillar every time I said hurtful words to you?" Xiao Xin Yu finally closed his mouth and slowly looked up at Cang Xi's face.

Cang Xi remained quiet for a moment longer. "Yu, I- we both know your mother was involved with this...Mo Xi Lin's punishment has calmed me, but..." Taking a deep breath Cang Xi said what was on her mind. "I cannot forgive this evil deed, please help me seek justice for my child."

Xiao Xin Yu slowly nodded. Though it was wrong to harm his family it was his family who had harmed him first. "Actually, Mother and Mo Xi Lin kept everything very secret, it is not that I did not want to punish them, rather I could not prove it was them. No matter how glaring the truth was, they had covered their tracks well. Even those servants I had left to care for you disappeared without a trace." He suspected those servants were dead, as was anyone related to the matter, hence why it was so hard to find proof.

Xiao Xin Yu stood up and helped Cang Xi do the same. "Back then all I could do to protect you was stay away from you and ground you. As for Mo Xi Lin, I promise you," he emphasized his last words, "I never touched her."

Cang Xi smiled lightly and tightly held Xiao Xin Yu's hands, then locking eyes with him she nodded her head. "Yu, I trust you. I really do." She said, no doubt in her tone.

Xiao Xin Yu smiled slightly and then lowered his lips to her forehead. "Thank you."

"Yu, can we go visit our baby?" Cang Xi asked tentatively. She was only a concubine, so even though it was her baby she could not visit his grave without permission.

Xiao Xin Yu looked out at the rainy night and nodded. "Do you want to go now?"

"umm. I do." Cang Xi said as she raised her arms and beckoned him to her. She hugged him and placed her cheek on his shoulder. "I want to properly say goodbye."

Xiao Xin Yu nodded. "Me too." Neither of them had ever truly let go of their baby, now even if they were not whole they at least wanted some closure.

The family cemetery was not far away, it took only thirty minutes ride from the manor. Once at the cementary Cang Xi walked slowly beside Xiao Xin Yu until they reached a small relatively new grave.

"Yu, our baby suffered so unjustly. He never even received a name." Cang Xi had cried so much, but here in front of her baby her wet eyes could not release a single tear.

Her cheek on his shoulder Cang Xi kept her eyes on the small grave.

"Shall we name him then?"

"No... let him be reincarnated without any connection to this life." She replied sadly.

Xiao Xin Yu Nodded. "Then let us pray for him to be reincarnated into a family that will love him dearly. Our nameless baby, please be happy." Xin Yu lit some incense for the child and made their wishes known.

Cang Xi closed her eyes and finally, a single tear fell down her cheek.

Not long after the couple left.

In the carriage Cang Xi leaned her head on Xiao Xin Yu's shoulder. "Yu, I want to leave the Xiao family."

Xiao Xin Yu froze. Closing his eyes, he took a breath. "Why?"

"Yu, I cannot have children anymore. I am barren, unable to continue your family line... Won't you set me free from your family?" She asked with a pained heart. It was only recently the doctor had revealed this terrible secret to her.

Xiao Xin Yu had known from the beginning the side effects of the poison. Even if she could no longer have children, he still loved her. At the same time he wanted to agree, he wanted to do what would make her happy, but... If she was not there how would he live?

He shook his head continuous, faster and faster. His hair was wet from the rain, every time he shook his head it would slap him causing his handsome face to turn red from the strikes.

Cang Xi reached out and held his cheeks with her hands. "Xiao Xin Yu! Calm down! Calm down. I won't leave!" She hated to see him so desperate, it did not fit his image, his personality.

That night even when she went to bed he was next to her, his hands clasped like iron around her waist. She could not move, and it was uncomfortable, but it was warm and safe.